and i cannot be a doormat to rebuilding their R. i will let WW know D14’s whereabouts, plans, and thats about it. it’s up to WW to make a move.
Not sure "doormat" is the right word there, but you're right, you cannot mend the problems between the two of them. W is blaming you and she's blaming D, but she seems to think she has no part in it which obviously isn't the case. And unfortunately that is typical WAS behavior, everyone else is to blame. I mean holy hell, "I tried to text her and she doesn't reply, and when she does it's hurtful and disrespectful." Well which is it, she doesn't reply, or she replies but it's mean? It can't be both. And for crying out loud, TEXTING???????? THIS IS HOW SHE TRIES TO COMMUNICATE WITH HER HURTING D?????? It's aggravating. Kudos to you for trying but I would pull back at this point and hope that the IC can have an impact.
Not sure "doormat" is the right word there, but you're right, you cannot mend the problems between the two of them. W is blaming you and she's blaming D, but she seems to think she has no part in it which obviously isn't the case. And unfortunately that is typical WAS behavior, everyone else is to blame. I mean holy hell, "I tried to text her and she doesn't reply, and when she does it's hurtful and disrespectful." Well which is it, she doesn't reply, or she replies but it's mean? It can't be both. And for crying out loud, TEXTING???????? THIS IS HOW SHE TRIES TO COMMUNICATE WITH HER HURTING D?????? It's aggravating. Kudos to you for trying but I would pull back at this point and hope that the IC can have an impact.
thanks for dropping by AS.
WW still won’t address the elephant in the room, which is her A. D14 is angry about it, hence the disrespectful tone. but at the same time, WW doesn’t understand that what she’s doing is disrespectful as well. IC is really trying to mend the R between the two of them. but unless WW stops, D14 will just keep on doing what she’s doing.
i try to take myself out of the equation, but knowing how much damage we are doing to D14, i try my best to at least make it easy for D14 to go through with the family sitch.
like the comment about texting. yup! after all the hurt WW has done to D14, texting is the only form of communication WW can extend. she can’t talk to D14 personally because she’s scared of what D14 has to say and at the same time, D14 knows that all she going to say are lies.
D14 finally got a text message from WW, asking her if she wants to go to a concert. D14 told me that sh revealed this to her IC, now WW is “showing an interest with them too”. D14 hasn’t replied yet. just too funny.
D14 finally got a text message from WW, asking her if she wants to go to a concert. D14 told me that sh revealed this to her IC, now WW is “showing an interest with them too”. D14 hasn’t replied yet. just too funny.
toenail, I do not find it funny. Even if your WW deserves this, it is awful to have a bad relationship with a child.
My D15 and I used to be really close. We hunted together, she'd go up to the property with me and work on the property, she was a camo-wearing, tomboy that wanted to be just like daddy. In the last year she has turned. It is as if she can't stand me. Wants nothing to do with the activities above. It hurts so bad. It hurts so much worse than when I almost lost my W.
Do all you can to encourage your D14 to make amends with her mom. H and W is a voluntary relationship. Parent child is not, and it is for life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
toenail, I do not find it funny. Even if your WW deserves this, it is awful to have a bad relationship with a child.
My D15 and I used to be really close. We hunted together, she'd go up to the property with me and work on the property, she was a camo-wearing, tomboy that wanted to be just like daddy. In the last year she has turned. It is as if she can't stand me. Wants nothing to do with the activities above. It hurts so bad. It hurts so much worse than when I almost lost my W.
Do all you can to encourage your D14 to make amends with her mom. H and W is a voluntary relationship. Parent child is not, and it is for life.
thanks steve.
everyday when D14 wakes up, before i drop her off to school, when i pick her up, before dinner, before she goes to bed i always remind her to at least send s simple “hi” as a text message to WW. if i was purely evil and vindictive, WW would not even see a strand of her hair.
sending D14 to IC was my idea, not only so she can come out of this sitch, better but to rebuild her R with WW. i work nights, and WW comes home to spend th night with her.no communication happens in those hours that they’re both left alone. once they did, couple of weeks ago, after WW never even said a word to D14 or sent a text message for a longest time, and it ended yelling and screaming for WW. asking D14 if she wants her to be a part of her life . so that was it for D14.she has given up in having a convo with WW.
we can all say D14 is still young, but in the end her own actions and feelings are hers alone. i cannot change that, IC cannot change that, surely WW cannot change that. believe you me, i know that a non existing dynamic between D and M hurts D14. but for D14 to make amends, am sorry, she has heard, seen, read, basically she was a witness to WW’s waywardness.
the reason i find it funny is because, D14 isn’t asking for the moon. she’s not even asking WW to have an R with me. all she’s asking is to stop her A. and WW is trying to hard to hide her A from her. so much so as to saying to D14,” my personal life has nothing to do with you.” or the famous “‘we are not together, we just hangout”.
i would really love to take myself out the equation between the two of them. but i take care of D14, we’re both staying at our home, and WW is having fun with her waywardness. but once D14 starts talking to me about her feelings, about her thoughts, i cannot ignore them. i can tell her to wait and talk or call he IC, in the end she trusts me more than anyone else, for now.
TN, understood. I just know how painful it is for a child to mistreat a parent. I did nothing to deserve it. Have I been perfect? No. Too be honest, a lot of the things she is upset with me about are the 180s I instituted after BD.
I no longer harp on my wife and her for spending money. My D has actually said, "why aren't you yelling at us for spending money? We are going to go broke!" LOL This isn't true, we are doing fine, but it shows you how she is reacting to one of my 180s.
I no longer criticize my W for the housework not getting done. My D has mentioned this.
I no longer come home from work in a foul mood. My D has mentioned this.
it is as if she doesn't believe my 180s, and therefore she is punishing me for the behavior prior to th 180. Kind of like "I don't care how well you are behaving now, I can't forgive you for the behavior before." At least that seems to be it. Yeah, I am mind reading. LOL
You W and D's relationship will outlast this A. And your current sitch. And I am just afraid your D is doing irreparable harm to it, at such a young age, that she will regret later in life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
WW still won’t address the elephant in the room, which is her A.
I imagine your D is more hurt over your W abandoning her then she is the A itself. I mean reducing their communication to texting is W inadvertently telling her "I don't even care enough about you to try to talk to you face-to-face." My ex left me and had an OM, but the difference is both of us sat down with the kids and explained to them that while our M was in trouble, we both still loved them very much and would both continue to support them as parents no matter what. We were united for the kids even through an affair, separation and D. The kids were definitely depressed and frustrated about us breaking up, but I don't think they ever felt anger or resentment towards either of us.
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but at the same time, WW doesn’t understand that what she’s doing is disrespectful as well. IC is really trying to mend the R between the two of them. but unless WW stops, D14 will just keep on doing what she’s doing.
As hard as this may sound, you need to do everything in your power to encourage D to accept the olive branch from W and try to help her understand that W is going through difficult times as well. You probably think your W "deserves" all of this and maybe she does, but D doesn't and she is the one that is really being hurt.
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she can’t talk to D14 personally because she’s scared of what D14 has to say and at the same time, D14 knows that all she going to say are lies.
Maybe, maybe not. You really don't know and that is mind-reading. You should do everything you can to encourage them to communicate and not assume you already know the outcome. It will be tough for them at first but eventually they will make peace.
Originally Posted by Steve85
My D15 and I used to be really close. We hunted together, she'd go up to the property with me and work on the property, she was a camo-wearing, tomboy that wanted to be just like daddy. In the last year she has turned. It is as if she can't stand me. Wants nothing to do with the activities above. It hurts so bad. It hurts so much worse than when I almost lost my W.
Sorry to hear that Steve, but please don't blame yourself. Most girls go through this around her age, both of my D's did as well. In general girls tend to draw close to their dads when they are young and then flip to being closer to their moms in their mid-teens. It's a natural transition that is part of them growing up.
My D15 and I used to be really close. We hunted together, she'd go up to the property with me and work on the property, she was a camo-wearing, tomboy that wanted to be just like daddy. In the last year she has turned. It is as if she can't stand me. Wants nothing to do with the activities above. It hurts so bad. It hurts so much worse than when I almost lost my W.
Sorry to hear that Steve, but please don't blame yourself. Most girls go through this around her age, both of my D's did as well. In general girls tend to draw close to their dads when they are young and then flip to being closer to their moms in their mid-teens. It's a natural transition that is part of them growing up.
Thanks man. It hurts. I made the mistake of catering to her and spoiling her a bit. So she still has a mean entitlement mentality on top of being completely disrespectful to me (and even to her mom).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
TN, understood. I just know how painful it is for a child to mistreat a parent. I did nothing to deserve it. Have I been perfect? No. Too be honest, a lot of the things she is upset with me about are the 180s I instituted after BD.
I no longer harp on my wife and her for spending money. My D has actually said, "why aren't you yelling at us for spending money? We are going to go broke!" LOL This isn't true, we are doing fine, but it shows you how she is reacting to one of my 180s.
I no longer criticize my W for the housework not getting done. My D has mentioned this.
I no longer come home from work in a foul mood. My D has mentioned this.
it is as if she doesn't believe my 180s, and therefore she is punishing me for the behavior prior to th 180. Kind of like "I don't care how well you are behaving now, I can't forgive you for the behavior before." At least that seems to be it. Yeah, I am mind reading. LOL
You W and D's relationship will outlast this A. And your current sitch. And I am just afraid your D is doing irreparable harm to it, at such a young age, that she will regret later in life.
thanks again steve.
as i’ve said, i try and try really hard to let D14 know that WW loves her, she’s just confused right now. what also upsets D14 is WW asked her lie for her when WW “hangs out” with POS. and that, according to D14 is something she might have a hard time forgetting and forgiving herself, that she lied to me about. she feels she contributed to the A.
my own IC also encourages me, since am the rational one, to try and soften D14’s attitude towards her mom. I wish it were that easy. D14 feels, by WW having A, she is embarrassed and disrespected at the same time. “ i know shes my mother, but after she hit me and screamed and yelled at me, we are now equals. the only reason she’s my mother is because i came out of her.” that’s how hurt and angry she is. Am caught in the middle of it.
I wish WW would make at least an extra effort and try to talk to her, but WW is scared of hearing the truth from D14. that’s how i see it.
