Reaching for Trust

[sage]

Pam -- Hugs to you, hon.

Bottom line is I have no direction, I still don't know what I can do. I don't know how I am supposed to interact with David. He acts the same as before. But I'm not sure I can do that either.

I guess I could make suggestions in one of two ways here...on the one hand is the global, overarching, "what does my life look like", "what does my r. with CHL look like" set of questions where you construct the "big plan" that helps you navigate your direction, your path, etc.

The other way to look at it is at the micro-level...what do I need to do to feel as good as I can TODAY? TOMORROW? THIS WEEK? Maybe this feels more manageable right now? Can you think of 1 small thing at work, 1 small thing at home and 1 small thing outside the house that you could do to feel great this week?

Sage

[psluke]

I do not know what I can do other than apologize and say again, that will be the last time I post anything like that.

[psluke]

{{{Sage}}}

I will give it some thought.

Thank you Sage.

[dfb]

Pam, there is no reason to leave. There is a big difference in asking for support and asking for a way of killing oneself.

It's not that you can't talk about suicidal feelings, but tell us about it and figure out what you are going to do to make your life better! We aren't here to show you how to end your life. The people here are your friends and want you to have a GREAT life. But you need to supplement the board with some in-person help, and some of your own motivation.

It's like someone saying "woe is me, I'm fat, I'll never lose weight". Well, they COULD, if they were motivated. But without motivation, things will stay the same. I was talking with a friend of mine who is also losing weight, and someone we know mutually had told her she couldn't lose weight, she loves chocolate too much. Well, if you are going to think that, then nothing changes. We each make our own choices.

[TripleJ]

I do not know what I can do other than apologize and say again, that will be the last time I post anything like that.

Pam,

I have not posted to you before, but I feel compelled to.

I am wondering why you would not post anything like this again? You obviously have some things on your mind and all these feelings and thoughts are coming to a head, and have made you think in a way that is destructive not only to your efforts at DBing, but are construed in a way that are destructive to your life. This BB is supposed to be used for support. One of the many avenues to use when you need help. But this BB can only be used for so much. I am glad, in a way, you posted what you were thinking here. It produced immediate results for you.

I will agree that this is no way of thinking and that ending it all by your own hands unnaturally is WRONG! But by all means, I for one hope and pray for you when you do feel this way.

I want you to know that I have experienced someone very close to me commit his own death. I was 20 feet away from him when it happened. And I WAS POWERLESS over the sitch. I could not stop it. And it STILL pains me today when I thin about it. But what I wouldn't give to have 30 seconds before it happened. Things may be different.

I think that is why so many people are angry over what you even mention here. But the fact remains that you did reach out for help by posting, which in my book, is a good thing. You did not go to actions, but reached out for help. Yeah, its a crappy thing for your friends to experience and hear, but if they were your friends, they would help you. And shame on them if they turn their back on you.

I will also say that many people have put time and effort in aiding in your journey to happiness. It gets frustrating at times to see you not be happy, and like many here have said, this is by your own hand here. You do need to do things that make you happy, we can not control it.

All these people who have posted to you since you mentioned ending it all are your friends. They immediately came to your rescue. Do you expect them to have kind words in this sitch? I bet not.

But the most important thing here is you. Its all fine and dandy to apologize, but will that stop you from having these thoughts again? So you won't post about it anymore, but will this stop you from thinking these things?

Bottom line Pam, we are your friends. We are here to help. But there is only so much we can do. If you have these feelings again, don't waste your time posting here on the BB.

GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!

Use the hotlines. A counselor, whatever. Most, if not all, the people here on the BB are not trained or knwoledgeable to handle these words.

Whether you know it or not, you ARE a worthy person to walk the face of this earth. You deserve to be happy, but no one is going to give it to you. Go out and get the happiness that is yours. Its right around the corner.

Hugs to you Pam!

Triple J

[psluke]

Wow, what a lot in this post.

ok, I have been sitting and thinking. This is my first day back at work since everything was finalized and I did pretty well for half of it.

I absolutley LET my emotions have the reins. I KNOW I can't do that, that is what I have spent all of this time trying to train myself not to do.

THANK ALL OF YOU THAT REACHED OUT TO ME.

I thought I had progressed beyound those feelings. I believe dfb is absolutely correct. If that is what I wanted I would have figured it out by now.

Obviously since I haven't, it isn't what I want and I need to figure out what it is I want that is in my capability of doing.

It scares the h*ll out of me thinking of having to support myself. I don't have a college education, I don't have a good paying job and the future looks fairly bleak. Definitely no room for fun in it, at least if it costs anything.

But one thing I do have is friends. David really doesn't have friends. He is a loner so that probably isn't real important to him. J is also a loner and doesn't have hardly any friends either.

To me friends are VERY important.

I know I was very unfair to all of my friends here and they all mean so much to me, that I am very upset that I let the emotions gain control today.

I hope tomorrow is better. I KNEW this first day back at work would be rough and it is. But it has to get easier.

I should have posted this morning that I was concerned about getting through my first day back at work and maybe I would not have ended up so down.


Trust is an unconditional surrender to a knowing deep inside yourself that everything is all right, exactly as it is. The outcome is immaterial.

Sage

[sage]

I should have posted this morning that I was concerned about getting through my first day back at work and maybe I would not have ended up so down.

I think this is a key and important observation...sometimes it's about heading off trouble at the pass, right? Knowing (as best you can) that you are entering a rough stage and getting reinforcements lined up in advance seems very wise to me.

And it doesn't surprise me AT ALL that you figured that out.

SO...what's one thing you're going to do tonight to boost yourself up a bit?

A walk? A bath? Throw an aerobics tape in the VCR?

Sage

Trust is an unconditional surrender to a knowing deep inside yourself that everything is all right, exactly as it is. The outcome is immaterial.

Sage

---

[psluke]

Sooooo very tired now.

I hate how letting the emotions be in charge leaves me so exhausted.

Almost not thinking or performing tasks.

[psluke]

Maybe I'll hunt out a candle and have a nice bubble bath. Sounds very relaxing right now.

[love_endures4ever]

I find TV is an escape for me, a mindless activity. Do you watch Vegas or Raymond? Monday nights I just like to relax and do nothing and watch mindless TV.

Just relax and feel good if you can..feel the peace, your happiness is all right there with you.

Cathy