a lot of people say don't tell anyone about your sitch. I agree, with a caveat. You have to tell someone. My sister and mom know quite a bit, and that's maybe not a good thing if my W ever comes home for good. The rest of my friends are there for my GAL. In the beginning I wanted to whine and complain, and now I just want to enjoy myself.
I only told one friend locally about the affairs (7 years ago and January). Did not get into detail. She knows the woman, but only met her once, which I did not divulge. I did express my reluctance to share this with her in case we are able to R because her and her H are good friends of ours. Well, we used to socialize a lot. Obviously not now. I just felt an overwhelming need to share with somebody so I could have the support I needed in person. I trust her discretion. No one else in our circle of friends know he even moved out.
So I've decided to visit the kids and spend the entire day with them. I plan to tell them. I asked H to go, gave him a few dates, and he basically said he can't see doing that because his stress level is just simply too high. And that we can talk about the kids more but right now he's in a very very bad place mentally. I informed him that I am going to tell the kids this weekend and if he wanted to talk about the kids that's fine. He said o.k. and informed me he would be coming over to pick up a few things while I'm at work (which is fine with me), and taking care of the yard on Sunday. I plan to be gone.
I'm a bit ticked off that he can't bring himself to address this together with the kids, but I have no control over that and will just do what I think is best. Pretty anxious about it though.
Day #5. After a good week with activities each night, feeling anxious tonight. Wondering way too much what H is up to. He came over today while I was at work to pick up some things while I was at work. I don't know what. Except his mail was missing.
Feeling anxious. Telling the kids tomorrow. I feel H is such a coward for not "being to handle it". I'm assuming the obsessive thoughts of what he is up to will abate after a while, but they are intense now.
I am strong.
Getting stronger every day.
I'm determined to have a fulfilling life. With or without H.
Spent a mostly enjoyable day with my kids, except for the moment I explained to the kids we've separated. My son said he wish I hadn't told him. My daughter cried. But, I answered their questions, mostly from my son, and we managed to have a nice day together. No messages from H to inquire about them or how it went. S said he messaged him and told him he was worry we were having troubles, and said H never messaged back. He told me that dad is always very bad about answering his text messages. How sad. Why wouldn't a father want to know how the kids are doing after receiving such news? Well, I am there for them and they certainly know that.
H is coming over to take care of the yard tomorrow. Should I be here? Not sure what to do. This is all so tough to navigate.
Spent a mostly enjoyable day with my kids, except for the moment I explained to the kids we've separated. My son said he wish I hadn't told him. My daughter cried. But, I answered their questions, mostly from my son, and we managed to have a nice day together. No messages from H to inquire about them or how it went. S said he messaged him and told him he was worry we were having troubles, and said H never messaged back. He told me that dad is always very bad about answering his text messages. How sad. Why wouldn't a father want to know how the kids are doing after receiving such news? Well, I am there for them and they certainly know that.
H is coming over to take care of the yard tomorrow. Should I be here? Not sure what to do. This is all so tough to navigate.
I'm a newbie when it comes to DBing but I feel, it would be best if you weren't there.
So a whole day has passed and H hasn't asked how it went with the kids or anything about my discussion with them. My S has messaged me a few times today about it. I know H and S messaged back and forth a few times. Seems to me we should have a discussion about how much to say? Or is this one more thing I'm trying to control that I have no control over. I'd appreciate a few perspectives. He messaged me today that he was coming over to do the lawn. I just responded yes. I didn't see him as I was at church. I only messaged him about the status of his mom (I visited her today in the nursing home) and told him the lawn looked nice. Maybe I should have left that part out. That's been it for 2 days.
I find myself obsessing a lot about him today...what he's doing, thinking, etc. Is he true to his word that he's not pursuing a relationship, or at least open to one if the chance arises? I'm trying to keep busy to help. It's tough today, though. After today, one week down.
Do you think in time WAH's start to crave the deeper emotional/family bond again? My H just seems to have gone from failing (failed?) A onto dating...
I cannot speak to your sitch, Toots.
However, I read somewhere that men seek out sex as a way to connect with his wife emotionally whereas women need to feel emotionally connected with their man in order to enjoy sex.
For you male posters, is that ^^ sex part about right?
No wonder problems arise! crazy
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I read this on another old thread. This hit me big time because this is exactly what I think is likely to happen to my H. Although he is not in an A now, he is out of the house to figure out if he has it in him to work on the M. How long can he last before the itch will take over? We haven't had sex since his affair was exposed last January. Although we slept in the same bed, spooned, etc. until the day he moved out last week. He didn't want sex "just to do it". He said he wanted a deep emotional connection, and it wasn't there. Maybe we would have had it if he didn't put all his energy into a honey?
We agreed we would not date during this trial separation. I certainly have NO desire to, but really wonder if he has it in him. He thrives on external validation. Well, one more thing I have no control over.
Are there any threads on here specifically for a LBW that may have a different slant on how to deal with WAH? It's ready Sandi's rules for the WAW. Thanks.
Havent much advice to give but wanted to say sounds like you're doing great. Detaching is hard, not wondering ehat theyre doing all the time is hard, but I think in time we will be able to go through a day without thinking of them. .
Like you, I have no intention to date. Cant see myself doing it for a long time. And like you mine wasnt dating when he left. Just depressed and angry. But then they realise they are alone - so to fill that space they date. I am not saying yours will stay dating, im just saying that if he did, it would be because he feels so alone.
But then they realise they are alone - so to fill that space they date. I am not saying yours will stay dating, im just saying that if he did, it would be because he feels so alone.
I agree with this 100%. This is exactly what I think could very well occur. They feel so terrible that they want that quick fix that a new exciting relationship brings. What I've been mulling over is if this does happen, is that completely it for me for good. I pray daily that H is working on his unhappiness, not trying to continue to put a band-aid on it.
I caught up with an old friend today. He us a WAH of two years now. He has gone back once, started to feel the pressures (nothing had changed) and then called it quits. He still sees his kids though so still interacts with his wife. He validated much of what they say here about pursuit and pressure. I sat next to him at work when he first split up. I dont remember the exact details as we weren't really close then. I do remember he signed up on dating apps a few weeks after the split. I thought it wad callous at the time but not my place to say.
I asked him today how he could do it so easily. He said i didnt know what else to do. It seemed like the next step. He had his fun. Met a few girls (nothing lasted longer than a month or two) and now he is off the apps (too much hassle). I asked him if he still loved his wife. He said yes. I asked him why he wasnt willing to make a go of their marriage. He said, and i quote "the weight of our history is too much". I dont know if they will reconcile. I find It strange that he could talk with such honesty to me(someone he meets for coffee every few months) and not his wife.
Anyway, an insight into why the start dating. And a reminder that when they do, it is nor about the OW. It is about how low their own self esteem is.
As to whether that is your tipping point. Only you can answer that. For me, I thought it would be, but I am still standing. I am stronger now and more determined to detach. He sees it too.
