Wedding anniversary 14/9 and we spent a nice day together and he began the relationship talk; talked about buying a new house and retirement plans etc. He volunteered that he realised when he left in June that he chose his marriage and family over the other woman Unfortunately he forgot that when she rang him 4 days later and they met up and she spent the night. I therefore announced that I wasn't prepared to play this game with them anymore and was opting out of the circus.
GOOD! If there were problems in the M then there are ways to address that OTHER than an affair. You should cut him ZERO slack on that, so well done!
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I listened to the advice that Chuck gave me about GAL and feel that I have entered a healthy phase of detachment and have been able to take a step outside of the marriage to truly see the situation. But this has led me to have doubts about what I am actually trying to save. I'm worried that I'm actually trying to save 'face' rather than the marriage.
Well we all do go through that phase I think. Personally I think I was trying to save my M out of a sense of loyalty to my ex and my kids. But when I honestly take a hard look at the latter years of our M, I was not happy either. D had crossed my mind a few times. I had committed to sticking it out but while we loved each other like family (and still do) we weren't "in love" anymore. So yes, do some soul-searching there and decide for yourself why you are standing, or even if you are standing.
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Now, I've stopped checking in with him all the time, stopped trying to fix him and make sure he's all right, I don't actually miss him. If anything I'm relieved when I don't see him or have contact. 2-3 weeks ago I was so sure that I would do whatever to save this marriage. Now, I seem to feel that if he can't show that he wants to be in the marriage (and completely ditch the OW) then I'm better off out of it. I'm enjoying a new sense of self awareness and self growth.
Is this normal so soon in the process? Is it a phase and can I expect a return of previous emotions?
It's hard to say, you may have dropped the rope or you may have tricked yourself into thinking you've dropped the rope. I would say if after a month you still feel this way and have not wavered then you've dropped the rope. But usually it doesn't happen this quickly. I will say that after a few months I thought I had dropped the rope and moved on, but then out of nowhere I was slammed with depression and anxiety attacks, neither of which I had ever experienced before. It was the lowest point of my entire life, and there was nothing in particular to explain the timing. I went on A/D's for a few months and recovered, but I didn't well and truly drop the rope until about a year after BD.
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I try to remember what Chuck told me - that the primary emotion behind his actions is pure fear and that the more I cross examine him, the more humiliating it is for him. Nobody came back to a marriage through humiliation.
Quite right, excellent advice.
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I waited for the call until 6pm this evening and then went by myself. I feel very disheartened that despite me taking all the pressure off him, he couldn't do this one thing for our eldest son and new grandson.
Drop your expectations because he will disappoint you every time. You did the right thing in just going by yourself.
