Pam, what you feel now is NOT how you will feel later. Trust me! I was contemplating suicide and was in a deep depression 5 years ago. When I moved out of ex-b's' apt., I had my moments - but I really fought to not get back to that place and I won.
This may be the very worst you feel, EVER. Things WILL get better. I know how it feels to only exist, but you have to do what it takes to find joy in your life. It WILL happen if you let it. You may need to go back to the doctor for new meds, or hell - go to a hospital for a few weeks and let them help. OR, take a vacation. I don't know what is right for you, but you need a change and you need it soon. I remember when I was suicidal, I did think of committing myself, I thought that might be the only way I wouldnt' harm myself. Well, I didn't hurt myself, and last year when all hell broke loose in my life again, I struggled and it was HARD, and I did feel I was only existing sometimes - but it got BETTER.
It WILL get better Pam. It will. Do whatever it takes to live, because we all will die someday. There is no reason to hasten it - I have a friend who died this year who was amazing, had gone through 2 divorces and was REALLY happy with her 3rd husband. She had everything to live for, including her kids. She had NO choice in whether she lived or died. You DO. A relative of mine last year killed herself and another family member. She had a choice too and she made the one that left behind a lot of devestation.
Suicide should NOT be an option. Okay? You are really sounding depressed today and you need help. Once you get through the worst part, your life WILL get better.
