Quote: So if I really wanted to end it all, how do you do it? .
Pam, it took me a second to figure out what you might be saying. You better no be thinking what it sounds like!
It's time to create a new LIFE for yourself!!!!!! Life, okay? You may need to end ANY R with David to get on with your life, but perhaps that is a good idea at this point.
Pam, what you feel now is NOT how you will feel later. Trust me! I was contemplating suicide and was in a deep depression 5 years ago. When I moved out of ex-b's' apt., I had my moments - but I really fought to not get back to that place and I won.
This may be the very worst you feel, EVER. Things WILL get better. I know how it feels to only exist, but you have to do what it takes to find joy in your life. It WILL happen if you let it. You may need to go back to the doctor for new meds, or hell - go to a hospital for a few weeks and let them help. OR, take a vacation. I don't know what is right for you, but you need a change and you need it soon. I remember when I was suicidal, I did think of committing myself, I thought that might be the only way I wouldnt' harm myself. Well, I didn't hurt myself, and last year when all hell broke loose in my life again, I struggled and it was HARD, and I did feel I was only existing sometimes - but it got BETTER.
It WILL get better Pam. It will. Do whatever it takes to live, because we all will die someday. There is no reason to hasten it - I have a friend who died this year who was amazing, had gone through 2 divorces and was REALLY happy with her 3rd husband. She had everything to live for, including her kids. She had NO choice in whether she lived or died. You DO. A relative of mine last year killed herself and another family member. She had a choice too and she made the one that left behind a lot of devestation.
Suicide should NOT be an option. Okay? You are really sounding depressed today and you need help. Once you get through the worst part, your life WILL get better.
I have to say that I'm really disappointed to read your posts today. For many reasons.
Some of you guys know that I found my brother hanging from a noose in our basement when I was 22 years old (he was 16). He is alive because I found him. His scars are deep, but I can promise you that mine are just as deep and scary.
However, I was constantly subjected to his incessant musings about commiting suicide--well after his thwarted attempt. It made me very angry. Why? Because there was nothing I could do or say to change that thought process, and quite frankly, finding his body once was enough for me.
My sister finally initiated a 3 way call to him with me on the line and said to him, "Brother, Betsey and I, as well as a host of other people who will remain nameless, have had to hear your threats for way too long. And we will no longer stand for it. If you choose to end your life in such a cowardly fashion, we will be sorry and miss you. However, if this is some sort of pathetic attempt to get attention from us in the hopes that you will get us to beg you not to, it will no longer work. We are no longer willing to have conversations with you under this sort of mental subterfuge."
Pam, that is exactly what I'm going to say to you now. It is not fair of you to expect BB posters who cannot be with you to talk you out of something as drastic as terminating your life. I empathize with your pain, and find compassion toward you. But if your life is painful enough to consider ending it, then I must ask you to call a suicide prevention line. THEY are the ones who can assist you best.
I'm sorry to speak strongly, but I do not feel it is fair to the friends you have made here on the BB to invoke the sort of cyber guilt that this invokes.
I wish you well.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I support Betsy's position on this. Your frequent hints at suicide are an abuse of your friends on this board.
While each and every one of us feels great compassion for your emotional turmoil, NONE of us deserve to be controlled by threats of terminating your life.
You're STUCK because you CHOOSE to be stuck. If your life revolves SOLELY around CHL and your R with him, then YOU and YOU ALONE are responsible for that.
Suicide is not only cowardly it is the ultimate act of selfishness. It's NOT an escape from pain...it's a persons final act to control those around them.
I for one am greatly bothered by your musing about taking your life, because I lost my son to violence a few years ago and would give absolutely ANYTHING to have him here with me today, you have no idea how painful death is for those left behind to deal with it and my beloved son didn't choose it for himself, some thug chose it for him.
YOU need to get counseling, check yourself into a hospital or whatever it will take to get your life back on track.
EVERYONE HERE, AND I MEAN ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE, wants you to be happy again, to enjoy life again...but YOU AND ONLY YOU are capable of making the decision to do that, because HAPPINESS is a decision, it just doesn't happen through osmosis. T2
I am sorry for you to have something like that happen.
I agree it is not fair to have the bb talk me out of anything and I wasn't asking them too. I actually swore I would never do that to my bb friends again. I just was so swamped this morning that I didn't know where to turn and should have just asked for some support this morning instead of dwelling on trying to figure out a way to end it all.
This was more a how in the world do you accomplish something like that. Which is not really a question you can ask someone.
I actually believe that deep down I don't want to do it or I would have found a way by now.
This past week I worked through a lot of emotions and thought I was past this ultimate in my black/white thinking.
This morning I was doing pretty well.
It all came crashing down right before I got your e-mail this morning.
Bottom line is I have no direction, I still don't know what I can do. I don't know how I am supposed to interact with David. He acts the same as before. But I'm not sure I can do that either.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
EVERYONE HERE, AND I MEAN ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE, wants you to be happy again, to enjoy life again...but YOU AND ONLY YOU are capable of making the decision to do that, because HAPPINESS is a decision, it just doesn't happen through osmosis. T2
Absolutely. I am choosing to be happy in whatever situation I find myself in. And when I read what you wrote today, it was like "not again". It is rather controlling, I think we all have had controlling behaviors with those we love and it turns them and it turns others off.
Pam, you do need to empower yourself. We can't do that, we can only support you.
Pam, if you wanted to kill yourself, you WOULD have figured out a way. I could have. It's not like something that is difficult to do.
Accept that that is NOT what you want. If you are having a bad day, that is fine - we all do. But it's time to decide that you will change the direction of your life.
ah, the sounds of experience. i have to back up both betsey and t2 on this one. and quite frankly anything i say will not compare to the two of them because i have not had the awful 'death' experiences each one of them have had to deal with
but i had to add my 2 cents here pam. i have told you time and time again that you get the most attention that i have ever seen on this board ever since i first came here. you have gotten the best advice from some of the best advisors that would have costed you tens of thousands of dollars to get, yet you still CHOOSE this route of self-deprication - and quite honestly, i for one am at a loss as to how to help you anymore
it's all up to you now pam. it has been for quite a while - but really - from now on your are on your own. if it had not been for betsey and t2 posting, i would not have posted because i was just dumbfounded. and my first thought was, she is doing this again. AGAIN pam - this is not the first, and probably will not be the last.
you have to get some help. help that we here are all not qualified to deal with. we all love you pam and have put in countless hours to try to help ease your pain
I just was so swamped this morning that I didn't know where to turn and should have just asked for some support this morning instead of dwelling on trying to figure out a way to end it all.