My story pt 2

[SteveLW]

lost8,

So I have thought a lot about the "i've already told these people" thing. As you know I am staunch against telling others. Especially anyone that the WAS would have to "make amends" with later. As you are experiencing, it can cause problems for R and piecing.

So I finally settled on this.

1) Reassure your W that once she is recommitted fully to R then SHE is the priority. That you will be willing to put anyone that isn't on board with you two getting back together on the back-burner. Even parents. After all, we took vows with our spouse. We had no say in who conceived and birthed us. I am not sure of exactly how to word it but something along the lines of "If they have a problem with us getting back together then they will have to learn to live without having me around too."

2) Sit your whomever it is (in your case your parents) down ahead of time and explain the progress and that you expect them to be fully supportive of the R with your WAS. "I realize this might be awkward for everyone at first, but we have decided to make this work. I need you to be supportive of that decision and not hold anything against them or me for this decision." Set that expectation in a way that they know that there is no alternative. Either they support the decision or they will be left on the outside looking in.

3) Be ready to leap to her defense if anyone says anything inappropriate or negative about or to her. Be ready to blow the popsicle stand if it continues and your boundaries aren't respected.

Let me tell you about a coworker I had years ago. We will call him Ray. His W we will call Phyllis.

Ray had a crack cocaine problem. This is a true story. Phyllis would call the office looking for him some mornings (when he was absent from work) because he hadn't come home all night. He was going to the city and spending all night and sometimes all day in crack houses. Our management worked with him. Tried to get him help. Told him if he went AWOL one more time he was fired.

A couple weeks later, same thing occurred. They cleaned out his desk. It was a very sad moment in my career, I remember (I shared an office with him) when they came in to pack his stuff.

Ray and Phyllis obviously had marital problems over all of this. They had two young boys. Phyllis confided in her family about Ray's struggle. Ray, of course, sought support from his family, spinning it that a lot of his problems were related to Phyllis as a W.

After separating a few times they resolved to make it work. Ray moved back home after the latest separation, they began to work on reconciling. Began planning the youngest's 5th birthday party. Both sides of the family were invited to the party. Should have been a joyous occasion. However, during the stress of hosting the party, Ray snapped at Phyllis. A small argument ensued, but quickly subsided. At least it subsided between the two of them. Someone in Ray's family made an off-handed comment about Phyllis, overheard by someone in Phyllis' family. That person responded in kind. Within minutes a full blown argument between Ray's and Phyllis' family broke out. Shouting, Accusations. Name-calling. At first Ray and Phyllis tried to quell it, but eventually they were drawn in. Ray and his family, shouting and yelling at Phyllis and her family, and vice-versa. Old, unhealed wounds completely reopened. Battle lines drawn, and crossed! Ray's family stormed out, and Ray packed his stuff and left again.

Needless to say this destroyed the R. Ray and Phyllis divorced and are divorced to this day (this was in the mid-90s).

Once the knowledge of your sitch is out, once you move to R you have to make sure that those in the know are fully on board with the big picture, and work for it, not against it.