I think I read somewhere on here that detachment is a process and we need to trust the process. I am trying to trust it, but I think we all find it hard. I think you handled it correctly by telling him you are giving him space, but you are available to talk if he wants to. The process is as much for us as them. I can testify, well until recently, that detaching was helping me to heal. I was able to watch my H get in the car with the kids to take them away for the night and not feel the tears welling up. I was starting to smile and laugh again. I was spending time on me and liking what I was (am) becoming. So, I don't know if it will help us to reconcile, but it was helping me move to acceptance. Although, the set back of finding out he is dating has thrown me right back to the early stages. I think I am back to grieving, with a pinch of bargaining (Ok more than a pinch - I told him I loved him and then threw myself at him).
The anger is gone, although I do not know if I ever went through anger. There were moments (him telling me he was going out NY eve two nights before, destroying all our photos the other night) but these are momentary and not typical of my experience.
It has also helped my H and I to at least function as parents to our girls. Cashier friendly (i.e. polite, but not emotionally invested in the conversation), even when it is forced, means that we do not get into tit for tats and do not delve into each others lives.
So, quick update.
He came to pick up D12 to take her out for the afternoon. Whilst he was here, he said he was talking to the builder (we are having some work done in the garden) and asked what type of stone I wanted. I said I didn't want to keep the costs down as we might not be here next year. This turned into a conversation about the house (he doesn't want to sell), which turned into a conversation about the separation order (he wants this), which turned into a conversation about a divorce (he doesn't want one).
Back to the detachment rules. Maybe they are onto something. If I hadn''t pursued (bared my soul), then maybe we wouldn't have had the D conversation. ILU = Pressure => I need to get away.
The conversation was very calm. No raised voices. Practical. Our nanny arrived and we stopped. He acted like nothing had happened, as if we had just been talking about the weather. He asked me if I wanted to join him and D12 for the afternoon. All whilst tears were forming in my eyes and the tightness in my chest was rising. I said "no, I don't think that's a good idea".
Some weird things about the conversation. Could be projecting but sounds like he doesn't really want things to change.
1. He didn't want me to sell the house. Redemption fees (he said 50 thousand, I know it's 12). Property values will go up quicker where the house is then anywhere else around here. You won't get anywhere around here. Unfair to move the girls further out of town. He wants to rent it out and then we rent separate places. He even suggested he move in and I move out and he will pay the mortgage.
2. I said I would take the bills and he can pay me set maintenance instead. He wants to keep the bills and pay 100% of our youngest school fees. He will not transfer the bills to my name and he will not officially move out. Something about credit rating going down as he will be living in a flat. When he left it was I don't want to change them all now only to change them again when I move back.
3. He does not want to get a D. He wants to wait the two years. I even said he could file on unreasonable and I would sign. He said don't be ridiculous.
H and D12 are back again. Sitting on the sofa watching one of D12's programmes together. It is Once Upon A Time - something he never would have done before. He would have told her to switch it to something he liked instead. Now, he cuddles her on the sofa and pretends to be interested.
I am supposed to be working from home today, but after the D conversation I sent a text asking for the day off. I mentioned this to H as I was in the middle of texting when he walked past. He said "Have you got the sleeping pills". I said yes, I am not thinking straight, that my brain was in a fog and that I need to sleep. That was my way of trying to say, I was too emotional and tired to have the conversation and maybe we took it a step too far, but he simply said "Ok, well make sure you take them" and then cheerfully left with D12.
Anyway, a long update.
I guess, I just wait until the next move. No R conversations, no talking about how sad I am. Concentrate on me and GAL as much as I can (even if I have to force myself).
