Well CMM came home Friday, on oxygen. He had a rough weekend, he's struggling with severe pain from the surgery whenever he coughs versus the need to bring up these big balls of phlegm that are in his lungs. He didn't sleep well Saturday night and was pretty down Sunday.
Monday we met the oncologist who is clearly freaked that the tumor is progressing so rapidly and wants to schedule chemo asap. They think the entire left lung is now involved.
I have to be honest: although there is still some hope that he'll be a candidate for and responder to one of the newer immunotherapy drugs, his prognosis is dire. Odds are quite high he could die within 3-6 months.
And here's a dilemma I have: he is semi-estranged from his daughters, who blame him for the divorce and for not having "fixed" their alcoholic mother (who may, from his description of her, have some serious personality issues as well. ). Although I only have his side of the story, he seems to have been a very active caring father. I don't know if the girls are believing lies that their mother told or just still shocked at the disintegration of their family and venting to the "responsible" parent.
Anyway, in the past he has made multiple attempts to reach out to them and gets only intermittent response. I've pushed him to keep them apprised of his cancer diagnosis and only one has responded. They are all in their early 20's and I fear they don't actually realize how serious this is.
I know CMM would love to reconcile with them but seems to have given up. I think the rejection and disappointment has worn him down. But I worry about his daughters and the burden they will carry forward in their lives if he dies without them getting some kind of closure on the relationship.
(And yes, I'm sure you're wondering what kind of parent he was that his kids would abandon him like this. No, he didn't cheat on his wife. He didn't abuse his girls (he spanked one once and felt terrible and never did it again.) He took them to all their sports activities and maybe indulged them a bit too much materially, may have been a little bit strict but doesn't sound in a bad way.
He lived the last three years of his marriage with a wife who had moved out of the marital bedroom and was drinking heavily. I don't know how much was cause or effect as he made a decision to just stay until the last child was done with high school and then leave. This came about because he was unable to get his wife to curtail her spending despite a significant change in their finances. (And I suspect from other aspects of his story that she was an alcoholic many years before he realized it. )
Anyway - here's my dilemma. I've never met his girls but I'd like to do what I can to effect some kind of a reconciliation - and soon, as he may not have much time. I've worked on it by encouraging him to reach out but now am debating contacting them directly and saying something along the lines of "please don't tell your father I said this but things are very bad and you may want to come see him soon while you still can".
