I am not sleeping again. 4 hours last night, 2 the two nights previous and not at all kn Friday night - the night I found out about other woman. I have not really eaten kn that time. It ia starting again - not eating, not sleeping and obsessing over him. I cant stop crying.
So, right now, at nearly 4 in the morning I am losing hope. Tomorrow is a new day though amd I will try and pick myself up and carry on. I have made an appointment at the doctors to get sleeping pills - if I cant sleep I cant function and if I cant function I cant work and i need to work, both for the money and for the distraction. I am going to try and force myself to eat even if every mouthful makes me want to vomit. I dont know how to fix the obsessing. I know it is wrong but he is al i think about.
So, I am going to write.
He had the children last night and after school today. He was supposed to drop them off at netball and i would pick them up after. But I had booked an appointment at the doctors to get a prescription for sleeping pills after work and asked him bring the girls home. When i got home told him i was taking the morning off work as i had an appointment. quick moment of panic on his face and the. he asked what for, i calmly said i needed to get sleeping pills as have not been sleeping. I wasnt trying to make him feel guilty. I just dont want to lie and play games. I think he was relieved tbh - when i said an appointment in town he prob thought i meant solicitor.
There was at least a few triggers this evening which a year ago would normally lead to him huffing at ne, berating ne or storming off. But tonight he made an effort to keep it in check.
- D12 asked what had happened to the family photo collage. I said I had taken down as I no longer like it - Queue lecture on my lack of sentimentality but nothing.
- he asked me how the pre boxed food is going (where u pick recipes from a catalogue and the company sends you the ingredients for a single serving)on - Queue lecture on wasting money - but nothing. Minor interest and then switch to next topic.
- We discussed the cost of D12 school trip (email came today) - normally discussion on any shared costs leads to huffing and eye rolling - but nothing.
At least when he was emotional it showed he was vested. When he would lecture me on wasting money (which i hated because it was my money to waste) it was because he saw it as our money. When he called me cold, it was because he wanted me to care about the same things he cared about. Now - i am just another person in his life. I know i am being irrational. He too is consciously detaching. I detach to save myself from the pain. He detaches to save me from the pain. But it stil hurts. I dont think, short of saying he wanted to come home, that there ia anything he could do that wouldnt hurt me. Be nice - it hurts me, be mean - it hurts me.
Enough wallowing: to practical matters. I drafted the separation order the other night, I just need to put the spreadsheet together with the numbers. I am wavering on whether to send it to a solicitor so that we can start the process. On the one hand he is seeing someone else and on the other I dont want to do anything rash (and obviously, reading the above, not in the right frame of nind) and I committed to standing. Deep down i dont want to separate and i know i would be doing it in the hopes it shocks him into realizing what he is giving up,
