Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

Thank you KML - and Ginger and Joseph as well - but I more often than not very much connect with what you say KML. As for Uncle M - while he was my favorite in that family, I've not spoken to the man in nearly 10 years, heck it might be more than that. So right or wrong, it's not any major trauma for me that he has passed. It's sad but it's not like when my guitar player friend died of the exact same thing last January. It's really a bigger deal that I'm going to walk in there and it's going to clearly be - OMG, Don is here!!!!!! I've not seen any of them in 10 plus years, or at least close to it, other than the kids.

I'm just in a funk. It's been one of those periods where everything seems to be going wrong where for June, July and August I felt better than I've felt in many years. I thought my life really was finally getting back to full on good. Guess again. Perhaps I'm just seeing the bad but it just keeps happening. I got a call to play sax on a new CD for someone I really am thrilled to play for. Again, these are not people like Billy Joel or something but she has won a Grammy (in a non-televised category), been on the Tonight Show with Leno, etc. So I'm doing the parts and that's a done deal. However, it looked like I might have the chance to meet up with all of them at really famous recording studio that I'd kill to record at. I'm a studio owner since the 1980s so for me this is a HUGE Deal. Of course, my schedule just won't allow it. I am soooooo bummed as this is what being semi-retired is all about - doing things like this. Soooooo bummed. The dates I was first given by a mutual friend would have worked but when I got the real info, they just don't. Instead I'll just do the parts in my own studio and ship off the tracks - which is very common these days. I just so would have loved to attend and be part of the full session, hang out with a small group of fun people (including another FWB that I've not seen in 8 months and not had benefits with in nearly two years) - almost as exciting as going on a week long cruise - I'm not kidding. But oh well, it's not June anymore so of course it's not going to work out.

As for Wild Girl, I think you are hitting it on the head KML. I don't take it personally, at least I'm trying not to. It's even odd because why would I care if she's not someone I really see myself falling in love with. Yet, I really, really was enjoying it. The thing is, KML you are describing her very well - right from the beginning. Early on, like within the first month I remember setting up a Sunday/Monday date with her and by Tuesday before she was hedging on it. I then stopped at her house that Thursday and she was back to hedging. Thing is, she could not even tell me why. I was like, what's up? She struggled but just could not say why she was not sure. She finally just said "I'm just tired and I get like this when I'm tired" So I left it at that, she gave me an amazing kiss goodbye, and seemed normal. Sunday came, she said she was still debating on what she wanted to do. I just said look I'm not going to beg you and this is starting to not be fun if you don't want to come out then don't. Of course she immediately then said she was and also of course we had an amazing time - really, really, really a lot of fun. So odd that it was major anxiety for her leading up to it but after she did, she was so glad and happy.

She's clearly had walls up from the start. I have to wonder if she has EVER had a regular/traditional relationship. I really don't think she has. She married her husband when she was about 25. That sounds like it was a train wreck from the start and she now says she only married him because she didn't think anyone else would want her and she didn't have selfesteam. She finally got herself out of that and a year or so later started dating the guy who recently had the baby. But even that seemed "off." I don't think he was ever referred to as her boyfriend. Perhaps I'm wrong. He then dumped her saying she was mean to him or just not nice to him. Everyone else seems to be a casual hookup thing or guys around the county. She had one in the Midwest, one that would fly her out for New Years or her birthday. She calls one of them her "besti". However, she's not seen any of them or done any of those things for over 4 years.

Remember my first words here... saying she's broken. This is what I mean. Ginger may be correct in that she's doing a slow fade but then why be so nice? That part makes no sense. Like I call once, don't even leave a VM and she's texting me back saying "sorry I missed your call, maybe we can catch up later..." etc. Why not just ignore me? Even her texts, I can tell when she's annoyed or doesn't want to talk from how she texts and this is not it - lots of "!" and lots of emjois and her typical excitement with wordy texts. So she's clearly not done with me - just not at the level she was a month or two ago.

So what would I do if I didn't have the cruise? I'd just let it go and not contact her. That's just not an option now. In fact, October 1 was the end of the promotion and the start of the 50% refund period for anyone who cancels. The flights were purchased as non-refundable - which only makes sense as we are the band and we are contracted to be there. Why purchase a higher class fare when they don't have to. So if she pulls out now, it will be a huge deal - even if I had someone just as fun to slide in her place - it would still be a huge deal to get done and I'm sure costly.

The thing is, I really deep down do think this is just her. This is how she rolls. If she was not wanting to continue she'd either say so or go no contact at all. I really can't imagine she's planning on not going in January. I think at this point she just sees me like these other guys who she will not see or talk with for months and then just start right back up. Even three weeks ago when I could tell things changed, even though she was not texting or calling, she ran right up and gave me a hug and kiss. I think to her, this is all "normal." I've had other girls like this over the years. Now Wild Girl might be an over-the-top case but, I've seen and experienced it before. I guess I mostly would just like to know where things stand. However, I don't think she knows herself - so how can she tell me? In fact, I've exhibited similar behavior myself where feelings come and go.

In many ways someone like Wild Girl is what I'd rather have - just not like this. Hope that made sense. I mean, I'm fine with casual just don't leave me guessing. Pushing or pursuing won't get me anywhere. All I can really do is just go about my life, assume we are good for January and then after that I'm guessing we'll just become friends that occasionally get together and do things but not a lot more.

Finally, KML, I have done a lot of reading on love avoidant and I fit many parts but not all. Specifically I did not have parents that exhibited the behavior that is part of this syndrome. And who knows, if someone was pursuing me heavily I might be doing exactly what Wild Girl is. I don't know how much of meeting her and having someone to date regularly, talk for hours on the phone with, etc. had to do with providing me with an awesome summer. All I do know is now that I've had a taste of that life again, I'm disappointed it's no longer happening. Right/wrong or screwed up as it might be, I just don't often connect with someone at the level that I did Wild Girl. I feel dysfunctional just saying that but it's the truth - don't as me why - it just is.

As an aside, I found out a little bit more about the friend of a friend who is recently D'd. Wow, doctorate, associate or assistant dean of a nursing program at a very prestigious private Catholic college. Sort of the opposite of Wild Girl. LOL. I get the feeling she might be a little too snooty for me, but totally just a guess. I'm not easily intimidated, but with her. hmmmmmm. No clue when or even if we'll end up meeting but from outward appearances she seems like a real qualify woman.