Hi, I've been lurking for a while now, read DR, had a session with a coach and have read lots of posts and links. What a fantastic set of supportive people you all are on here.

Married 27 years, 3 fantastic sons. Looking back, I was 'smug' that we had been married so long without any problems, but in doing so we both neglected to nurture the marriage.

H left end of June this year when I discovered his 17 month affair. Came back, went again, came back, went again and has now been gone properly since end of July. OW has been on and off numerous times in that period. We agreed that we would attempt to save the marriage and I heard all the right things from him about remorse.

I did everything wrong; too much trying to get him to see how contradictory he was being, crying, begging, angry and unsurprisingly he couldn't cope with it.

Wedding anniversary 14/9 and we spent a nice day together and he began the relationship talk; talked about buying a new house and retirement plans etc. He volunteered that he realised when he left in June that he chose his marriage and family over the other woman Unfortunately he forgot that when she rang him 4 days later and they met up and she spent the night. I therefore announced that I wasn't prepared to play this game with them anymore and was opting out of the circus.

I listened to the advice that Chuck gave me about GAL and feel that I have entered a healthy phase of detachment and have been able to take a step outside of the marriage to truly see the situation. But this has led me to have doubts about what I am actually trying to save. I'm worried that I'm actually trying to save 'face' rather than the marriage. Now, I've stopped checking in with him all the time, stopped trying to fix him and make sure he's all right, I don't actually miss him. If anything I'm relieved when I don't see him or have contact. 2-3 weeks ago I was so sure that I would do whatever to save this marriage. Now, I seem to feel that if he can't show that he wants to be in the marriage (and completely ditch the OW) then I'm better off out of it. I'm enjoying a new sense of self awareness and self growth.

Is this normal so soon in the process? Is it a phase and can I expect a return of previous emotions?

He was a good man and a good father. A stressful career and an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Some classic symptoms of MLC such as wondering if this was all there was to life, that he felt nothing about anything in his life except for OW who made him feel alive. I try to remember what Chuck told me - that the primary emotion behind his actions is pure fear and that the more I cross examine him, the more humiliating it is for him. Nobody came back to a marriage through humiliation.

Our 1st grandson was born yesterday. Two weeks ago I asked him what we were going to do when he was born. He suggested that when we heard, he would ring me and we would go and visit together. I agreed because his relationship with his sons has been strained. I waited for the call until 6pm this evening and then went by myself. I feel very disheartened that despite me taking all the pressure off him, he couldn't do this one thing for our eldest son and new grandson.

With this and my new feelings, I just wonder if the writing is on the wall. I know I will be fine, but would always wonder what might have happened if we'd at least tried.