I am a touch angry at the moment. More angry with myself for putting up with it for so long. For her, it is more of disgust knowing someone has thrown all of their moral codes out,
Frankly, I think it is high time that you feel anger. Maybe I am the last person on earth who should tell a LBH how he should feel, IDK, but sometimes a certain type of anger can place a firecracker under his a$$ to let go of her and all of her drama & issues......and leave her with it. Know what I mean? You can't be her caregiver (physically or emotionally). So, It's like you brush your hands of it. It may sound a little harsh to your ears b/c you have a gentle, caring soul...….but I'm telling you this is what you have to do.
As I've told you in the past, this is the only thing that makes any sense. And, I say this from knowing the mindset of the WW. Yes, she is very smart in knowing how to manipulate, but she is also a "user". I hate users, and at some point I think most WW's do use people......more especially the LBH. To allow yourself to feel anger, may help you break from her hold. You can't worry over how she'll make it without your assistance. She's smart, she'll figure it out. Just be prepared to see her pull out the emotional tools to use. I'd guess the main tools she'll use is "guilt" and "pity". Those two kind of mesh together. Although she may have said yada, yada, yada...…….she'll try to make you feel guilty or feel sorry for how hard things are for her. Plus, don't think she won't use her health as a tool to make you feel badly. I realize that sounds horrible, but I'm telling you there is no length or depth some WW's won't go. It may be for manipulative purposes, or just cause she can make you feel rotten. The LBH has to wear a protective amour at all times, or she'll catch him at his weakest and shoot those manipulative arrows right into his heart.
I think that will be the toughest part for you, b/c it has been so ingrained into your brain to be concerned for her welfare...….and holding the family unit together. It may be tough to change gears, but you have to keep your eyes on the road. I've watched some of my adult children, siblings, etc. go through unwanted divorces. The children, parents, grandparents, etc., adjusted. We have a close family and when there is a death or divorce......it is a loss for everyone. Now, the kids have two homes, and we work with the schedules and work to make the best of what we have. But the point I want to make is that you make those adjustments and life goes on. Listen, when my DIL divorced my S, I felt as if one of my kids had died. It affected our entire family (grandparents, etc.), but we had to move on with life and have birthday celebrations, etc., in spite of the absence of that person we loved. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. It's just me trying to put my arms around you and tell you that you and your kids will be okay. I do wish my grandchildren had seen a counselor when everything blew apart, b/c in that case, it was so fast and such a shock and the kids were so young. Everyone was in shock and torn up, we didn't know how to help the kids. So, I'd suggest to everyone to have your kids see a professional counselor, at least in the initial time when the spouses separate/divorce. They need someone who is emotionally detached from the family who can answer questions and explain things in an unbiased way.....and just let the kids feel like they can safely/freely express their feelings.
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Pity, looking ahead and seeing the very difficult road (I know imaginary, but somethings like work/kids require time that her health and probably her new social agenda will challenge. And yes, I will say it again, sadness. I am sad where we ended up. That she has chosen her path and it is without me. I can only drop the rope all the way and move forward.
That's okay to have those feelings. It's a sad situation, and divorce is not the answer to making it better. However, she apparently thinks otherwise. You've tried very hard for a long time, hoping she would see the value in what was there.....and what was possible. Whenever a woman feels "done" with the M, it is extremely difficult for the H to convince her things can be better. You see, when she feels done, she just doesn't care anymore. The H doesn't get it. He just doesn't get that she is really done, and he has the idea he can change her mind. That's why when we see a H doing all his 180's to show his WW how he can change and make things better, and it doesn't work. It's b/c she doesn't want a relationship with him, no matter how many self improvements he makes. She's done! It's over.
It's such a waste and so unnecessary, and you have every right to feel the way you do. It's okay to mourn. Feeling anger is often a stage of mourning.
You are a good person, JS. Your children are so blessed to have you as their dad. Training yourself to take your focus off your W may take some time, b/c you've taken care of her for a long time. Once you physically separate from her, I think the burden of taking care of her and doing all the things to take up the slack, will lighten...….if you'll let it. I hope you follow what I mean. I can see you enjoying life, and doing things with your kids that are so freeing from the current situation.
(((hugs)))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Plus, don't think she won't use her health as a tool to make you feel badly. I realize that sounds horrible, but I'm telling you there is no length or depth some WW's won't go. It may be for manipulative purposes, or just cause she can make you feel rotten. The LBH has to wear a protective amour at all times, or she'll catch him at his weakest and shoot those manipulative arrows right into his heart. 