Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6

[SteveLW]

Nothing wrong with caring about her. I think we should care about all of our fellow humans! The problem is caring too much about what she says and does. To the point where it is affects your emotions and mood.

See this is where so many get DBing wrong.

DB FOR YOU! Not for her. When you DB with the expectation that it is going to save your marriage, then you will invariably fail. You need to DB so that you are OK no matter what happens. If you are still too attached at this point then likely you have been DBing with one eye on her to see how she reacts. If she reacts positively your hopes go up and you think you are saving it. If she reacts negatively then you spiral and ask "what's the point".

Here are what your daily goals should be:

1) Did I get through the day without worrying about what she says and does, and without attaching any expectations to your DBing efforts.
2) That no one filed for D (unless this is what you want, and you can always decide to pull the plug at any moment).
3) That you didn't engage in any pressure or pursuit. In word or deed. That you didn't engage her in a R talk. That you didn't snoop. Etc.
4) That the rest of your family's needs were met! (If she isn't willing to meet a need, then step in and do it.)

There are others that others might be able to add, but the point is notice this is all about you. What you can do. What you should do.

I know you've struggled with patience, that is why you should concentrate on EACH day. Not the past, not what might happen in the future. But simply striving each day to achieve the above.