Met W at the kids change-over. She seemed more normal than at any other time since DB. W asked me questions. I mentioned that I had been going to a library and reading books. W gave me a double-take because that's such a 180 for me. It's now a regular part of my GAL on one day per week. I enjoy it and have talked with some interesting people and looked at subjects I hadn't thought about before. I said it's going well looking after the kids on my own and it's now really well organised at home and nice and calm. W joked that was because she wasn't there. I was surprised by that self-depreciating comment because she never admits that she's wrong. I didn't comment. I also said that I'd been getting counselling (another 180). She's looking after the child of a friend tonight because her friend is now seeing someone. W social life can't be much whereas I'm getting out and improving myself.
I still dont understand why you are having these 5-10 or whatever minute chats (or more) with her at seemingly every drop off. She lies to you and is rude and so on and yet you still want to have these little pleasant exchanges? For my ex and I, I used to drop the kids off at her door and come up and have these "status update" meetings, but even then, it was only about the kids. Eventually, we started communicating only electronically. I dont understand why you are having these regular personal discussion with her. I again urge you next time to have somewhere to be so you arent having these chats.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
I'm thinking of sending a message to W. Basically, it's to say how I went through a bad time when a parent died and I can understand how I wasn't attractive during that period. I can therefore understand why she bought a house with her parents 2 years ago in prep to leave. That W was then distant and I hadn't known why so I became frustrated and feeling more depressed. She confided in others instead of me. If she had been supportive and honest then I'd have been out of depression a long time ago. I can understand why she lied about her hiding money in prep to leave.
I'm looking to ease the way for her to stop being in denial of what she has done by her realising that I know the truth so there's no point in her telling lies anymore.
No....dont send this. It just puts all of the pressure on her. Right now, she is what she is and she is who she is. There is no rewinding the clock. You dont see how she would read that as this situation is all her fault? You take zero responsibility for your actions, blame your feelings on her, and now you want HER to change? If you want her to stop lying, then next time she lies to your face, just hold your hand up and say something like "we both know thats a lie. Im not going to continue this conversation if you arent being truthful.". It isnt your fault that she lies to your and it isnt her fault that you became depressed.
Again, this isnt just something she is going to "snap out of". If she is going to want to reconcile with you, it's because you are attracting her back by being the best you that you can be consistently and for a long period of time. The best things for you to do include: 1) Focus on becoming the man you want to be. The best version of you. 2) Give her a chance to wonder about you and miss you. Do 180s. GAL. Try new things. 3) Establish and enforce your boundaries. If that is her lying or stealing or whatever. Pick the behaviors you will accept in your life and dont allow the negative behaviors in. These actions are much more powerful than ANYTHING you could write.SAYING you arent depressed anymore is a lot less meaning ful than NOT BEING depressed anymore.
