Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you FS. Thank-you for taking the time to respond to my pleas for help. And thank-you for such a thoughtful and heartfelt response. I will read it over and over again and borrrow your mantra, if I may. Another thing I’ve been doing a lot lately is listening to certain songs every day (sometimes multiple times) to get me in the right mindset. Sara Evans’ Stronger and Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway and Since You’ve Been Gone are my three favourites.
My mind is still spinning as I try to make sense of that last seven months...all the times when I started to suspect something was up and so I would ask him...and he would always have an answer. Even when I discovered the place he was going, he had so many stories about why it wasn’t what it looked like. One night, about three weeks ago and a week post-discovery, I couldn’t sleep because my mind was nagging me about some things that didn’t add up. I wrote out everything...sent a few texts “damn you for keeping me up at night”, we need to talk, etc... He came home the next morning telling me that the night before he had been thinking about some things I had said (we were talking a lot prior to last Sunday) and that he had woken up feeling really good and then he saw my texts. I read him what I wrote word for word...all of the signs that I had noticed and facts that didn’t add up...that indicated to me he was having an affair. He just calmly smiled and said he would go over the entire list point by point with me...which he did...had an answer for everything...and then swore up and down “on our children’s lives” that he wasn’t having an affair. I have asked him to tell me...numerous times...he will just never, ever admit it. Even tonight when I texted him a bunch of angry texts that he is a miserable excuse for a human being and how disgusting it was that he would take our kids there and make them a party to his deceit...and when I called him to yell at him and to “own up to it” and called him a piece of s#*t...even then he did not admit it. Just said we will talk tomorrow. What is that about? It’s like he just can’t say the words.
So I am currently working really hard to put things into perspective (now 3:00 a.m.) and to understand that even though I KNOW about the OW now...nothing has changed. My H is gone...he is not coming back anytime soon. And truth be told, this is not the man that I married and my grief is not over the loss of him, this confused and broken man, but more over the loss of who I thought he was, the relationship I thought we had and what I thought would be a long and happy life together. All of these, it seems, have just been illusions created by my hopeful and trusting heart. Heart-on-her-sleeve girl (my mom used to call me that) has to go away for awhile and be replaced by someone a bit stronger, more realistic and more courageous. I’m not sure if that HOS girl will ever return... if she does, it will be a slow process, that is for sure. My trust will need to be earned.
So exceedingly grateful for this forum and for the wonderful, beautiful people who are here. I am pretty sure I would be a complete basket case if it were not for you. Much love to you all!
