It is 1;00 a.m. and my H will be here in 8 hours to “talk”. I am really struggling to come to terms with all of this and get some sleep. All of the lies he told me just keep siwirling around in my head. The betrayal, the selfishness,.. almost too much to comprehend. Who is this person that I pledged my life to? Who i had children with and planned to grow old with. Who said he loved me more than he has ever loved anyone? Where did he go and who is this poor excuse of a human being in his place? My poor beautiful innocent daughter... when I offered her pumpkin pie, innocently told me she had already had one at her dad’s friend’s place and then proceeded to tell me who that was. She didn’t know that she was confirming what I had suspected all along. “At daddy’s place?” I asked her. She looks confused and says, “Doesn’t Daddy live here?” Our eyes meet and I know that she knows. She doesn’t quite know exactly what she knows... her ten year-old mind can’t quite put two and two together... but she knows... Gawd I wanted to shoot him in that moment. “Are you okay, Mommy?” “I’m fine,” I say with a smile. “Are you sure?’ “Yes, I am sure.” The truth is, I”m not fine... but I know I will be...one day. Once I am through this pain and living life for me and for them. My H? I really don’t know anymore. When I was just considering this as a possibility, I imagined that I could come to terms with it somehow, GAL and wait patiently for him to return... maybe. But who is it that would be returning if he did come home? And can I truly move on AND stay hopeful? If I do stay hopeful... am I really going to be able to move on? I don’t know how I’m going to do this. And if my future H could talk to me now, would he tell me to hang on and to be patient? Or would he tell me to run far and run fast? That is certainly what my siblings are going to want me to do. They could understand him running away and wanting to be on his own... but an affair? That’s a deal breaker in their books and to tell you the truth, if I were in their shoes, I would feel the same way. But it is just not that black and white when there are kids involved. I am not just fighting for me, but for them too. Really needing some thoughts and advice from the vets who have been there, done that. Anyone out there who has been in my shoes and reconnected with their WAS?
