Mostly good day. But I'm clearly not detached yet.
W asked me if I was mad at her or if I was ok. I replied that I was fine. She was concerned because I did not have any exclamation points in my texts. So...huh. Told her I did not know that was a thing and that I will work on sending texts that end in exclamation points (or something). Went home from church, had a mostly quiet evening. We send D4 to her room and we started to talk about our friend who is in a bad R for about 30 minutes, then went into the sitch regarding our S. She talked about how after she contracted the HPV virus she had the "aha" moment and decided to work actively on making herself happy. She did imply that she may have contracted it when she was drunk and taken advantage of. But the hidden implication was that she has been sexually active (presumably with OM, I don't know) at other times when we separated. So that hurt and clearly indicated to me that I still have work to do. I was reeling inside. But on the outside, I listened and did not not ask any more questions.
Talked about how S saved our lives. I told her that when I let her go, I finally was able to work on myself and be happy. She then continued to talk about how we ended up in this spot and how our separation is better than others. Which I agree. We're sharing a house, our D is good with both of us, etc. Continued to talk about plans for Thanksgiving. No dinner plans, so that means we're going to part like we are now. That part also bothered me but I also know that at this point in our lives and our sitch that there is not going to be any R talk anytime soon.
We then talked about plans for the weekend after next. I'm doing a fall photoshoot of the W and D4. She was talking about what she is going to wear and for D4.
The conversation lasted for an hour and a half (maybe two hours). Lots of soul bearing. Kind of hinted that we're still in limbo and that I don't know what is going to happen next month, next week, or even tomorrow. I almost told her that this limbo cannot last forever, but I also know that would just introduce problems and the potential for an argument.
If this was looked at objectively, especially from MWD and/or my DB coach, they would (probably) say that this is another small but significant step towards R. I hate to keep hoping, but I cannot help the fact that there is something special in the works in regards to me and W.
I know I have to be very patient. And I have been for the most part, but it's nights like these that make be want it to end sooner rather than later. That being said, I'm saying that out of emotion.
I know logically that moving too quick will only lead to more trouble.
And I don't want to compromise any good progress with us.
