I called him to say i wanted to talk. He seemed reluctant at first but agreed we needed to clear the air. I know R talks are against the rules but i couldnt leave it the way it was. We agreed to meet at his flat before he came round to pick up the kids. Neither of us wanted to have the discussion in front of the children in case it turned angry or tearful.
I thought about what i wanted to say. I wanted to apologies for my behaviour. I wanted to tell him the door is still open even though i had no expectations of him coming back. And then i would go.
I made a pretense to the kids that I needed to pop to the shops and drove around to his flat. I said what I needed to say. He accepted the apology, said I was out of line but that he understood the reaction. He said that if the situation was reversed then he would have got upset and just left. He cant understand why i stayed and then tried to have a conversation. He said ok when I said I still loved him. I spoke to him a little about the journey that i am going through (there goes the mystery) and that it has been lonely but positive. He said ok again.
Then we held each other on the sofa. He said that he has been on a few dates with the girl and it is not serious and he hasnt slept with her. Apparently she came down on the train (an hour journey) and then went back kn the last train back. I dont know whether to believe him. I guess it doesnt matter. If he is telling the truth then, even if he is not serious about her, she is hoping for something serious from him. No-one travels an hour in and back for a few drinks unless you want something more.
Anyway, while he held me on the sofa we kissed. He pulled away and said that it was wrong and we shouldn't be doing things like that. Let me be clear - i have avoided physical contact (hugs, kisses) for months and months as well as any forms of familiarity (using pet names, banter). I have stuck to the rules and been all business. But i folded. I asked him if he still loved me "or course i do", i asked him if he still found me attractive "yes - does that make you feel better?", i asked him why he wouldnt kiss me "because it always leads to sex", i asked him of he remembered how much we loved each other and couldnt keep our hands off each other "yes, I've not suffered from memory loss. I remember all those things. Thats why i cant have casual sex with you". I pursued, i pleaded, i broke every rule.
My heart which was near mended ia broken all over again.
