It has been a while and I guess that's because things were going well. Not we are getting back together well but I had implemented the rules as well as I could and we seemed to be moving in a positive direction. I was getting on with my life in a positive, non destructive way and I felt that, although he felt further away, it would still work out. Little things - offers to drive me places, asking questions about what i was doing.
Well, that's ended now - I saw him with someone else. I was at dinner with a few of the mums and we decided to go to a club for a quick drink before going home. He was there and he admitted he is seeing her. I dont think its been going on for that long but you never know. I admit I didnt react well. I called him all sorts of names. I called her all sorts of names. He looked sad (normally he gets defensive and goes on the attack over the littlest things) and said "what do you want me to say". Eventually he walked out. I am not proud. I was shocked and i know that my behaviour was beneath me. After holding it in all these weeks - pretending all the time that im fine wheb inside i am an emotional wreck, it all came pouring out. When i got home I threw out and ripped every photo of us from before the children - holidays together, nights out with friends and every photo with just the two of us after the kids. I wanted to rip every memory of him out from our home. I drafted our seperation order.
That was two days ago. Yesterday he called to see if he could come around and see the children and I said we had plans - we did have plans but it was raining so we changed them and stayed indoors instead. He asked if he could come walk the dog. I said no, I would do it. When he called in the evening to speak to the girls and D8 asked if he needed to speak to me, he said no, I dont need to speak to mummy.
Two days later I am still hurting. I dont know if i can face him tomorrow when he comes to get the children.
Do i initiate the seperation order or do I make clear that, without any pressure, that I am still here and the door is still open. I know that our arrangements are to his advantage. He doesnt really give me much money - he covers about 20% of the costs - but if i force him down the legal route and he has to pay what he should, then am i just moving us one step closer to divorce?
