So... did not see my H today because our boat flooded and he had to go deal with that instead of the trees... likely happening on Monday now. I am having some friends over for dinner tomorrow and he is picking up the kids at 10 and keeping them until around 8:00. That’s a long day for them. I hope he manages to pay some attention to them. Had a text from my stepdaughter, 18, who lives a couple hours away. She asked if she could come for a visit the first week of November. Of course, I said “yes”. I almost followed it up with a “you and I need to have a conversation first” but I thought better of it. Throughout our marriage, I have handled all communication with her mom because she and my H do not like each other very much and communications with her always caused my H so much stress that it was just easier if I did it. This was part of me “taking care” of him. Trust me... it was NOT easy. I hated talking to her almost as much as he did but I did it for him and ultimately, for my stepdaughter, who didn’t need to be witness to that level of animosity. Anyway... I digress... for the first time since we have been married, I decided to make him step up to the plate and take some responsibility. So... I texted H and advised him that his daughter would be coming for a visit the first week of November and that I expected him to talk to her about our situation before then. He texted back...”I will talk to her - thank you”. Thank you for what?? Anyway... that Angered me.... don’t know why... so I couldn’t help myself... I texted him back “I hope you can be more honest with her than you have been with me.” Radio silence.
Question: Even though my H has been an absentee husband for a very long time... he always managed to see our kids every day... he would just run away most nights before I got home. Since I asked him to leave, he has only seen our kids one night (last Monday) and our son for about an hour on Thursday and then went to our daughter’s belt test. Tomorrow he is taking them for the day but that is because I asked him, not because he asked me. So... my question is, should I be pushing for him to see them more? I was thinking about getting him to see them on Monday evenings (I play in a weekly league that night) and Wednesdays which could be my night to go out and GAL. And then maybe Saturday so they at least see him every other day? He hasn’t approached me for any kind of a schedule... is it pursuit if I push this?
My sister and I were talking about my H’s meltdown and 180 two weeks ago when he was offering to stay home for four months straight just to start to regain some of my trust... and his confessions of feeling so much shame that he doesn’t think he can come back from it, etc... She suggested that he might have, for a moment, actually gotten in touch with his true feelings but that he “doesn’t yet have the ego strength to manage those feelings so he just retreated into his protective shell.” Thoughts??
My H just left with our kids for the day. I told him I needed him to see the kids more. He was totally agreeable and even asked for a bit more time than what I suggested. We also had a brief conversation about the problem he is trying to fix on our boat. The whole time he is talking, I’m doing my best to listen and quell the emotions that are always close to the surface when I see him. I think I did a pretty good job. I also maintained eye contact with him...looking for signs of indecision or confusion but I didn’t see any. The truth is that he looks happy. How could he look that way in the face of such a mess... after 13 years...gone, like we were nothing...meant nothing. It absolutely breaks my heart to see him like that...looking so content without me. Detach...detach...detach...he is a master and he’s been doing it for four years now. Me, I have a long way to go... Oh, insult to injury, he says... on his way out the door... “You look good.” F^&* YOU!!! Sorry... you haven’t complimented me in years... don’t do me any favours now. Anyway...my wonderful sister is here and we are soon to be joined by an equally wonderful friend so we can cook dinner for their husbands. Preparing myself to be the fifth wheel in my own home.
Happy Canadian Thanksgiving. I would rather be the 5th will in my own home sharing a holiday with others, than having it alone.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I read your switch and it is so close to my own that it is scary.
After breakdown there was 6 weeks or so where he made me feel terrible. He was never home (he works away a lot ask could get away with it) and when he was home he was either ignoring me or criticizing me. Eventually i put the idea of moving out into his head. So, I totally get your feeling that by asking him to leave you escalated it. But your H would have got there eventually on his own.
The two things that hurt the most in the early days was him suddenly taking a huge interest in the children and him acting like we were friends and that everything was fine, better even. like it was perfectly normal to send me pictures of the three of them trying on facemasks (the first night he had them over). He said a week after moving out "I dont know what I want but I like my space" (punch in the stomach). That was a week in, all smiles on his side, heartache on mine. And he has kept this smiley, everything is better now attitude ever since, now 7 months. Other than when I challenge his plans or assert some control. This is normally met with anger and accusations. What I am trying to say is that your H is in all likelihood pretending that everything is fine. He has to, because otherwise he has caused all this pain to you, to your children and to himself, for nothing. It has to be better to validate the decision he made. He is appeasing his guilt. He has some, hidden under the fog of depression, anger and resentment.
Anyway, I will follow your switch. Hang in there. His smiles arnt to hurt you, they are there to make him feel better.
Okay... I need help. DBing just went right out the window. My kids came back from a day with their dad and started talking about having Thanksgiving dinner with this family. Long story short... this is the person my husband said is living upstairs with her two kids but is on medical leave and was in the hospital with pancreatic cancer. Well... apparently she is alive and well... still in the home [he had told me she moved out last week]... and well enough to be cooking dinner. OMG... are you kidding me?!?! Steve... you were dead right. I couldn’t help myself... I texted him that I didn’t want our kids around his girlfriend and how dare he, they are confused enough. Then.... I called him because I was so angry... told him I knew. He said “okay”... he would just not admit it so I yelled at him to just own up to it... he then replied “we’ll talk about it tomorrow” and I called him a piece of S#*t and hung up on him. Later on I texted him that he better be here first thing in the morning or I was coming over there to have a conversation with his girlfriend. He immediately replies... “I’ll be there at 9.” I then texted back that even if he does come here at 9, I am still going to have a conversation with his gf so if he has been lying his a** off to her, he better come clean quick. Not really sure i will do that but I really just wanted to scare him. He texted back, “I understand... I will be there at 9.” Of course, when I figured this out, I had a house full of people so I went and hid at my mother-in-law’s. If he thinks he is going to bring this woman home to meet his mom and have his gf’s kids call her grandma, he is sadly mistaken. She is almost as mad as I am. He’s been lying to her and she has been helping me with the kids whenever he is away which is A LOT.
I am so confused right now. And angry!!! What am I supposed to do when he gets here tomorrow?? I mean... there is a part of me that is not surprised but he was literally texting me two weeks ago about coming home and wanting to make things work. And a week before that crying on my shoulder telling me he used to be a good person and that he doesn’t deserve me. He’s not wrong about that. What is wrong with him? Did he really think my kids wouldn’t tell me where they were and I wouldn’t put two and two together? Okay... out of control now. I just texted him to ask him if his girlfriend might be interested in seeing that text messages he was sending me two weeks ago and that I think she will definitely enjoy reading those. HELP!!! Anyone out there. What do I do tomorrow? What do I say???
I am so sorry. I completely get the confusion and anger you feel - I just shred 15 years of photos after i found out.
My advice, and you can take or leave it, is to not see him when you're angry. Take a day or two to calm down and get your head straight so that when you do face him it is with dignity and grace. Be the better person. Easy, and you've read my sitch so u know that I am better at giving advice than taking it. Dont make the same i did.
In response to why they keep switching personalities - it is because they live in a fog. Their heads are scattered. Sometimes they feel guilty (and resent you for it), sometimes they want to pretend all is well, and sometimes they want to come home, so they say nice things to test the waters. My favourite saying here is believe nothing they say and half of what they do.
Know what you want and stand firm with as much dignity and grace as you can muster.
Thank you FlySolo. I have calmed down quite a bit In an hour. I think I was mad but not surprised as i have been anticipating his day would come. It is just so unbelievable to me. One week ago today, he was supposed to be moving back home and was talking about just being away a couple more weeks when I told him to go and to only come back when he wanted to be here. And after processing for the last hour, I don’t know what I want. I thought I knew this man. I thought he was my forever person. Why do I want him in my life? Do I want him in my life? Divorce, single parenting... these are things I never, ever thought I would face. I am in my room looking around and he is still here. His clothes are here. HIs dirty laundry is still in his hamper. His life is here... our life is here. How could it end this way? The thing with my H is that I really don’t think he is the kind of person who will come back. He almost did two weeks ago but I think it was too much for him to face and he has made a career out of avoiding difficult feelings. He is also too weak to go it on his own which is why he has found this OW. I don’t want to fight with him. I don’t. I just feel so sad for our kids and strangely enough, for him. That he is so broken. And he is so good at hiding it. And this OW... the part that really bothers me is that she has two kids (14 & 16) and my H has been spending more time with them than he has with our kids. The worst part is... they are students at the school he teaches at. How brutal is that? What is he thinking?? Sigh...I just cannot understand how anyone could do this to the people who love him the most. It is beyond comprehension... something I am just not capable of doing myself. Probably why I am so trusting and he has fooled me for so long. I have no idea how tomorrow is going to go. My sister was here when I figured this out and I could see the look on her face... she thinks I should just kick him to the curb and not look back. She is probably right but she doesn’t have kids. Don’t know what tomorrow is going to be like. I’m not sure what to say. Mostly I will try to listen and not get angry.
It is 1;00 a.m. and my H will be here in 8 hours to “talk”. I am really struggling to come to terms with all of this and get some sleep. All of the lies he told me just keep siwirling around in my head. The betrayal, the selfishness,.. almost too much to comprehend. Who is this person that I pledged my life to? Who i had children with and planned to grow old with. Who said he loved me more than he has ever loved anyone? Where did he go and who is this poor excuse of a human being in his place? My poor beautiful innocent daughter... when I offered her pumpkin pie, innocently told me she had already had one at her dad’s friend’s place and then proceeded to tell me who that was. She didn’t know that she was confirming what I had suspected all along. “At daddy’s place?” I asked her. She looks confused and says, “Doesn’t Daddy live here?” Our eyes meet and I know that she knows. She doesn’t quite know exactly what she knows... her ten year-old mind can’t quite put two and two together... but she knows... Gawd I wanted to shoot him in that moment. “Are you okay, Mommy?” “I’m fine,” I say with a smile. “Are you sure?’ “Yes, I am sure.” The truth is, I”m not fine... but I know I will be...one day. Once I am through this pain and living life for me and for them. My H? I really don’t know anymore. When I was just considering this as a possibility, I imagined that I could come to terms with it somehow, GAL and wait patiently for him to return... maybe. But who is it that would be returning if he did come home? And can I truly move on AND stay hopeful? If I do stay hopeful... am I really going to be able to move on? I don’t know how I’m going to do this. And if my future H could talk to me now, would he tell me to hang on and to be patient? Or would he tell me to run far and run fast? That is certainly what my siblings are going to want me to do. They could understand him running away and wanting to be on his own... but an affair? That’s a deal breaker in their books and to tell you the truth, if I were in their shoes, I would feel the same way. But it is just not that black and white when there are kids involved. I am not just fighting for me, but for them too. Really needing some thoughts and advice from the vets who have been there, done that. Anyone out there who has been in my shoes and reconnected with their WAS?
Reading the words you write is like seeing my own thoughts put down on paper. I will try and give you the advise that on my good days i am able to put into practice.
Pack his things and ask him to take them. If he doesnt, then put them somewhere you cant see them. Any photos you have of him in frames with the kids put in the childrens room so they know that he is still a part of their lives. It hurts like hell as he has been such an absent father but he will miss them before he starts to miss you, and you will know that youve done the right thing by not playing the kids against him. He will try to put that on you too - dont give him ammunition.
Like you I dont think my H is the type of person to come back. He is proud and generally unwilling to say when he has made a mistake. Right now he is doing everything he can to prove he did not make a mistake. So, it will be hard for him to admit, when the fog lifts, that he wants to come home. I try not to think about whether that day ever happens and what I will do if it does. I try and live each day as fully as i can. I try and find beauty and pleasure in things. I try and be present. I try not to think about him. I try and not do anything i would be ashamed of or regret.
This will effect the kids. Maybe not the OW part specifically but everything. They will sense your anxiety, your fear, your anger. When it rises, leave the room. Take five minutes to breath. Get a mantra (mine are "dignity and grace" and "accept things as they are") and repeat it to yourself. I bought a crystal necklace with an unconditional love healing stone. I dont know id I put much stock in it but I touch it when the anger or the doubt rises. It is not just unconditional love for him, but also learning unconditional love for myself- be kinder to myself, accept my faults, and love myself anyway. It calms me down and reminds me that even if i lose him, I will have found me. The kids will be better for having a mother who is less anxious. you will show them that you are ok which will help them be ok.
And lastly, he will continue to jeckle and hyde on you. Be strong. Only you know how much you can take. Listen to friends but only take the advise that feels right to you. One day he may want to come back. One day you may not want him back. In either case, youre doing what you need to to heal and you can say hand on heart that you did everything to protect your children.
