Thank you Twofeet. I really appreciate your encouragement and advice. I was beating myself up for issuing that invitation. I think mostly because I fell into the trap of thinking that he was enjoying his time with me and that he might be open to coming along with us. I knew he would probably say no and I was mad at myself for daring to hope he would come - as much for my sake as for our kids who have not had much time with him this past week. Today he is coming over to work in the yard. I would love to think it is because he feels some attachment and responsibility for “our” home but I think, more likely, it is guilt. It’s funny... I read about Kech’s sitch and how angry her husband is. Is it strange that I wish my husband would be angry? I guess because anger is a really intense emotion and implies that underneath it all, he still cares about his wife? My husband hasn’t been angry for a long time - irritation is the closest he gets but for the most part, he is just checked out...numb...detached. That feels worse to me than anger. Two weeks ago he was intensely ashamed and scared so I thought there was hope. But I think he has used the last two weeks to runaway from those feelings and to convince himself he is doing the right thing to walk away and that all of us will be better off in the long run.
I think I have always been an introspective, level-headed person so TLR fits with my personality. It is very hard though. I have four years of loneliness and sadness built up inside of me and given the revelations of the past few weeks, those feelings, when I allow myself to feel them, also have a lot of anger attached. My H has gotten off very easy in that respect because the love for my children is greater than the anger I have at their dad. To let all that out would be jeopardizing their relationship with him and I can’t have that. Honestly...what really floors me about this is that, despite everything he has done and continues to do, I still want him back. What is wrong with me? Why am I not the person running away?
