Wife is not who I married ... Pt6 pls help!

[LoneWlf]

mtb, equalzr, -It is a new job but I am up for the challenge! thank you for your kind words I hope you both are doing well, sorry I have not posted in your threads lately but I do check sporadically. Know that I share your journey and pray that you both find peace.

I'm curious about your son's request that you not contact his mom about the awards ceremony.

Rose I'm always thankful for you giving me a females perspective. S used the first statement and mentioned not to tell mom. The conversation ended there. I do wish she were there because it was such a PROUD moment -after seeing him so broken after DB - missing school and almost failing a class and to be able to stand among all these wonderful students overcoming adversity.

And we all have a right to be angry. But holding on to anger is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to suffer. Are you still angry?

RR- First and foremost-THANK YOU! I often feel you come at me hard. It is these 2X4s that really make me look deep within trying to sift through the substance of my being. It allows me challenge my actions, words and values. Am I still angry? Yes- at times I am. Sometimes these feelings come and go. Sometimes the stay and fester. It is these extended periods where I feel she has hurt me to the core. Where I feel that she betrayed me - on a level farther than I can explain. I feel she use the bait and switch technique- coming to my church then persuing me and then all of a sudden she is some one I don't know. I don't know if she still goes to church but I think she is still tied up in this new age religion BS. I know- let her go and remove her from my head space but I feel as if I gave her the best years of my life. Now I know I sound like I'm playing the victim card and I know it is not healthy. I too am well aware that after BD- this could very well be the BEST years of my life but is it up to me to make that happen.

The phrase the you gave earlier about swallowing poison and anger is the same phrase that I used early in my thread about FORGIVENESS. Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. This is the essence of my belief and value system. It is said in my daily prayer. It is by following in the footsteps of Christ we not only become happy but even better we become more holy ( whole-ly). It is almost a year since BD and I still cycle between good and bad days. My IC said to read the book - The art of Forgiveness. He also said I will be hard pressed to find or nurture love in my heart if anger lives there. He says it is OK to be angry it is one of the steps to healing but you must try to positively channel that energy. This is what I use at the gym or when I am cycling. RR- you are absolutely right that I must let go of my anger and fully forgive. I am not there yet but will try to steadily work towards it. And maybe once attained I will be able to find PEACE.

Again- I am amazed by the love and support from the vast amount of strangers that come and read and offer advice. And as an act of Love - You leave some kind words, offer support and create an internal bond -leave a lasting impression.( You guys know who you are). I feel it is like I am in a hospital bed and out of the kindness of your heart - you poke your head into my room- sit at my bedside and offer me Love, Hope and Support without judgement or knowing who I am. For this I am truly grateful.

With you in Love and prayers- Blessings!