Thank you Ovrrnbw. Tonight was way tougher than I had imagined it would be. I had pictured my daughter and I going to TKD and him being there waiting for us. I had my exit planned. Of course... what is they say about the best laid plans? My H showed up at the house an hour before the test. Just breezed in with a smile on his face like he doesn’t have a care in the world and then launched into a 30 minutes worth of saved up news from the week of us not talking except for “business”. It was so normal I got sucked right in and listened to him talk about his week and his work frustrations, etc. I couldn’t help myself. I’m sure I just looked so happy to see him because, the truth is, I was. It was so good to see his face and hear his voice and for that half hour, I just forgot that everything is so crazy. When it was time to go, he suggested we drive to TKD together and I just went along with it. We ran into our neighbour and chatted with him like everything is normal. Then he sat with me while we watched our daughter and both of us just beamed with pride and I found myself looking into his eyes and sharing that with him... the way we always did before an alien invaded his body.
Afterwards, driving back home, I prepared myself for him to get out of my car and into his as soon as we returned but then he didn’t. He came into the house to help our daughter tie on her new belt. I told her I was going to take her and her brother (who we had to pick up) for celebratory sundae and then i did it... set myself back... I opened up my mouth and I heard myself ask him if he wanted to join us. He looked uncomfortable, for the first time, and paused like he was thinking about it and then said, “no, I don’t think I will” and looked at me apologetically. I tried to recover with a nonchalant “ok” but it was too late... I have the world’s most expressive face and even with my smile, I’m sure he could see disappointment in my eyes. So then he went to hug our daughter good-bye and i quickly went into the kitchen to busy myself with dishes and put some space between us but then he came over to where I was and, for a second, it looked like he might try to hug me as that would be his instinct but he stopped himself and walked past me and said something inane about how he misses his friends and colleagues he left behind in our old community. I just stood there... frankly I don’t care... you miss your work friends but you just walk out on your wife and it’s no big deal!! Get the hell out of my house you a**hole!!!! Okay... so I didn’t say that... but I wanted to. Anyway... he left shortly after telling me he would text me tomorrow to let me know when he would be around to take care of the trees we need removed from the front yard. And off he went... I almost texted him to tell him not to bother with the trees... that I would figure something out but honestly, it’s about time he did something around here. At this point, as much as part of me wants to see him, I think it will be better if I just go somewhere while he is there working. I need some distance.
So... two steps forward and one step back. I know that GAL and working on my PMA is the way to go. I know it is. I am working really hard to let him go. I have to work on the cordial but not too friendly. He just [censored] me in and I don’t want to be angry with him when he is around. But I also don’t want to give him the impression that I am just A-OK with this arrangement either. I feel like I’ve just made things sooo easy for him and he’s always had this delusion that divorce is a great idea if one person isn’t happy and the kids will just be fine. I know that my kids will be as good as they an be because I’m a damn good mom and I will make sure they are. But... I also know that they would be much better if they had both their parents together full-time. My mindset about marriage and kids is that you give it 110% and try EVERYTHING you can to make it work unless there is abuse involved. And we haven’t done that. This whole time I have thought his behaviour was due to chronic pain and medical issues so I’ve been enduring this absentee husband thinking we could work on our relationship once he was better only to find out he has CHOSEN to be away from me and our children day in and day out fort the better part of three years!!!. The eight month break in between is a bit confusing but my H says that he thought it would be a fresh start and he would TRY to be happy. If you had seen him, you would have thought he was doing a great job of it because he seemed very happy. But...looking back on it... there was still a bit of a distance between us.. like a wall between us that I couldn’t get through. We got along great but it was like there was just an inner layer to him that I could no longer access and really, when I think about it, have not been able to access since about a year after our kids were born.
Anyway... an hour ago i felt like i was spinning but writing this has really helped me to put things into perspective. I feel like i can breathe again. Thank you all for being here. It helps a lot to know that i am not alone. Bless.
