Practice makes perfect. I wish I could have a “deceits gotta stop” convo with my H, but I’m not in the position to do that right now. Hopefully if we ever get there, I’ll rehearse it and not trip on my words like I do now.
I’m so nervous about seeing him tonight and I don’t know why. I think what I’m most nervous about is when I get home and he leaves, and I know he’s going to OW, and the way it feels for me is just absolutely awful every night. Every night when I walk in he’s laying on the couch, either asleep or just watching tv. And a year ago I would have laid down next to him and made a joke of some sort or told him how our Friday nights in are some of my favorite nights. I used to always say that to him bc id usually want to go out and he wouldn’t feel like it so we would stay in, and I’d always end up saying “these Friday nights in are my favorite” and he would smile. My how the tables have turned. Crazy how much life changes. I wonder if he even remembers things like that.
He sent me a song to listen to last Friday, and the song was saying how he’s stuck between “I love you and I’m leaving”. And in it the man is saying how he’s out every night burning the midnight oil, knowing the woman he loves is home alone, and he’s not sure what he wants to do. And it explained our sitch perfectly. I should have said to him “one day I won’t be home alone”.
I have a massage scheduled for 8pm tonight, so when he gets here I’ll head out and run a few errands before the massage and then after it maybe go wander the aisles of Target. Can’t go wrong there. I could go grab a drink with friends but that’s what I did last Saturday and I’ve decided drinking is just the worst idea for my emotional state.
Maybe it’s a good thing he wants to come Be with D both nights this weekend. I regret our argument last night. I wish I hadn’t said anything to him when he walked in. But nothing I can do now. Time to practice my “have fun with D tonight” smile. Thanks again
