I think part of my desire to date is also born out of a lack of patience. I actually pulled back and didn't respond to any of the women who wrote me on the one site. I don't know that I will definitely not date in the near term but at the very least I want to take some time to reflect on the intersection of my desires and values.
It's good self-reflection to realize that you're being impatient. There seems to be an adage here that wait at least 12 months before you start dating. I generally agree with that. It may take longer to feel ready, but everyone is on their timeline and the context of their sitch and its impact.
Yeh, take time to figure out the intersection between desires and your values. I can at least guarantee you that if you're acting based on your values - actively knowing that you are - you won't have regret. I mean that in anything that you do. With my communications now with W, I really don't care how she perceives it or reads it. I know that I am not pursuing and that I am communicating to her with respect and civility. I have also shut down communications from her when she overstepped my boundaries - not in a mean way, but I won't put up with nonsense. I feel 100% good about it. I don't obsess whether or not I should've done something else or said something else.
At the end of the day, if I am good with myself and what's transpired, I know I am living on my terms.
Long time no write. I just realized that it has been the better part of three weeks since I updated my sitch. There isn't all that much to report, but I figured it might be helpful for newcomers to see what it can look like 6 months in. I haven't had any communication with the W in the past week or two, and just a couple of emails before that. The weather has finally turned cold here (35 degrees this morning) and I imagine that she is going to feel the need to get a car which will necessitate a conversation. We had agreed on a budget for that earlier at the beginning of the summer but she decided to try and go without for the time being. Generally I am not bothered too often by thoughts of her, nothing like in the first few months post BD. When I do think of the MR it is more with resentment than with longing.
I have held off on the dating thus far, though I am still passively looking around on some OLD sites. I feel like that is a step that I want to take at some point, but I want to be deliberate about it. I am also finishing up the process of signing up for a head-hunting agency for teaching jobs abroad. It's another step that I want to take in order to be more proactive about my future.
My GAL is much the same as it has been ever since BD -- lots of exercise, commuting by bike, yoga, rock climbing, walking with my dog. I have even learned to tend to the herb/vegetable garden and I have been exploring more and more with my cooking as well. Between work and GAL I feel like I have a busy life, full of activities that I value and people that I want to be around. I'm a big basketball fan and am enjoying the start of a new season as well. I'm also calmer, more centered, more content with what I have, and able to live in the moment to a greater extent than before.
The weekends are the time that I most feel the absence of being in a relationship. One of the signs that my W was checking out on the relationship even prior to BD was that she started bailing on our Saturday night dinner dates to spend more time with her friends. At the time I had lots of unspoken expectations and it ended up deeply wounding me. So, going out to eat by myself on weekends is still harder than it should be for me because of the memories it triggers. That said, this weekend was fun as I went up to the state capital a few hours away to see an art exhibit with some friends. We explored the city for a bit, ate some ramen and even went to a bug festival where we tried eating some insect delicacies. Yesterday I mowed the lawn, cleaned up the house, and then went to the gym for the afternoon. A couple of climbers there invited me out to see a climbing documentary that just came out so I joined them for that. The only downside was that I thought my W was coming by in the afternoon (we had agreed on that) to walk the dog, and she never showed.
I'm also reading "The Subtle Art of not Giving a F$#k" which I have found surprisingly helpful as well as being entertaining. I was struck last night by the section in which the author talks about taking complete responsibility for our lives and all the attendant circumstances, even if we aren't to blame for them. I definitely have (hopefully had!) a tendency to slip into a victim mindset in which I ceded control and abdicated responsibility far too often. He acknowledges that we often can't control what happens to us but we always control our reactions, our thoughts, our perspective on them. It's nothing that I haven't heard/read before but the way the message was written really resonated with me. It's okay to blame my W for walking away but I am still responsible for my own positivity and thoughts and emotions regardless of what she did.
This weekend I am flying out of town to visit family for a wedding and I will also have the chance to see good old friends from my hometown. It should be a nice break from the routine. In a couple of weeks I will be celebrating my first birthday alone in 9 years. My W was never one to overly celebrate birthdays, normally we just went out to dinner together, which was fine by me. But this year I would like to use it as an excuse to invite friends over to my house which has been virtually empty for the past 3 months, maybe do a bonfire or a barbecue. Hopefully, it doesn't become an emotional trigger.
So, if there are any newbies reading this, things do improve. I still have my down moments, and even some down days, but they are fewer and further in between. I'm certainly not out of this process, or even completely detached, not by a long shot, but I am making slow and steady progress and riding out the waves of highs and lows. No longer are waves of emotion crashing down on me to the point I can no longer function. They are still there just muted, not as violent.
Best of luck to all. And I would love to hear any feedback.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Great update! Yeh, that book is good and fun. Check out his website for articles. There's some good ones in there. In relation to his point about taking complete responsibility, look up Jocko Willink and his philosophy of 'extreme ownership'. You can pretty much get his perspective on it by listening to some of podcast episodes. The early episodes is where he talks about it in detail. He has books too if you want to check it out. I dunno if I mentioned this earlier, but one person that totally drives me to do better everyday is David Goggins. Check out his interview on Impact Theory and the Joe Rogan podcast. Dude is unreal!
Thank you for the update D. Very good advices here. Going your way and controlling yourself and not falling on victim´s mindsets. Your teaching abilities surge from your post man, you have writen an useful post for newcomers. Thank you.
Davide, good to read your post. Just even updating us on how you have been holding up is good because we all share a bond here at the end of the day, the friendships we share albeit anonymous, are very open and honest showing all our weaknesses and dark sides. I think having friends over for your birthday is a great idea, it is your home, especially since you plan to move out and probably teach abroad, I think it would be great to make some new pleasant memories in your own home. Years down the lane when you look back you want these fond memories. And of course all your DB friends will be celebrating with you in spirit
Maika and Davide, thanks for the books and podcast suggestions, it is going on my list, lol, the list is so long by now I hope I can finish them all within a year.
It's good to read about your progress. That's really exciting to look into teaching jobs abroad! That'll be the experience of a lifetime to do that. Starting over in a faraway place with new people and new surroundings would be perfect for your circumstances.
Maika, I will check out that stuff when I get a chance. I want to reread the book again first, and I also have The Happiness Advantage on my shelf to get through as well. Thanks for the recommendations.
Sia, isn't it strange how connected we can feel with anonymous strangers on the internet? You are right, it is all about the honesty and vulnerability that so many people show here that encourages such strong bonds to form.
Nicole, the openness of the future is exciting. I already spent 4 years living abroad, so I know what it is like. Honestly, at this point I am not sure if that is the direction I will be going, it really depends on the options available to me, but I want to explore as many possibilities as I can.
Neffer, thanks for the advice, and I can say that if I had the chance to return to the land of mate, I'd be there in a heartbeat.
As a quick aside, I am pretty sure that I ran into my W last night as I was biking to dinner with friends. She was on a bike going the other direction. I didn't see her til the last second and wasn't 100% sure it was her, but she was looking at me pretty intently. I just kept on going. Maybe I could have said hi, but whatever. I had a nice dinner with friends and for a while forgot that it even happened.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
My trip home for the wedding was both fun and lonely if that makes sense. I was able to spend time with my parents and my brother and his partner as well as extended family (a big Catholic family) as well as friends who go all the way back to high school. It really was a pleasure to be with them and sharing in new experiences. The wedding itself was very whimsical and touching, and the party afterwards was great fun. I'm not much of a dancer, but I got out there and made a fool of myself, found a ping-pong table at the bar afterward to play against my brother, met a bunch of new, interesting people, and caught up with family I hadn't seen in ages. At the same time the trip took me out of my routine, and I had lots of time to walk, alone, through the city. It was cold and wet, and it was hard not to feel a bit lonely. I didn't drink to excess at all, maybe 3-4 drinks each evening, but even that was enough to throw my body off.
I have recently been having more trouble with feelings of resentment and anger towards my W. The majority of my day is passed at work, or exercising, or GALing with the dog or friends and these thoughts rarely intrude in those times. I am genuinely present and content in those activities. However, when I do, inevitably, think about her or the relationship, I find myself caught up in resentment - it's not as strong as anger. I recently saw a group picture on social media and she was in it (trust me, I actively avoid anything that might include her.) I resent the choices she made when she checked out of the relationship and chose to give in to an infatuation with OM. I resent the lack of patience she showed and the lack of conviction in the importance in the relationship. I was not a great or even particularly good husband for a couple of years at the end as I struggled with depression, but I had stood by her for years, holding her as she cried, enduring the knowledge that I couldn't heal her own depression. I chose to stand by her because, as much of a drag as it was to be married to a depressed person, it was the way I could express my love and conviction that this relationship was important to me.
I understand that I need to let these resentments go. More than that, I actively want to let them go. Holding on to this bitterness will only embitter me and turn me into a person that I don't want to be. It's also impossible to detach if I am still grasping on to these feelings - I am giving them control over me that they don't deserve. It has been 3 months since we have spoken and I feel stronger and more confident in myself in most ways. However, I think the trip and the wedding, and my upcoming birthday next week are triggering some of these feelings. In yoga class earlier this week, I chose forgiveness as my intention and mantra for the class, and I did the same while meditating the next day. At this point I am capable of releasing the thoughts and letting them go to clear my mind to the present moment, but I'd still like to work past the resentment all together. Perhaps it is just a question of time and patience. However, if there are any other ideas out there I'd love to hear them.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
