Not struggling quite as much

[Jim1234]

Keep those expectations nonexistent. Be prepared to listen, validate. Ask questions to understand her position. Don't get sucked in to R talk, don't get sucked in to an argument. Think before talking. Maybe think twice. Good luck

You say you are dating a nice girl who you relate to. I don't know your sitch, but if it resembles any of the many I have read on here wouldn't you be better off concentrating on her?

All good advice. I find myself in the enviable position, though, that I'm detached enough, and have enough else going on, that unless she is really willing to do the work to reconcile, I don't have much interest anymore.

it wasn't an act of desperation but one last attempt to do the honorable thing and save your M. So good for you. I think if nothing else it'll help you sleep better at night knowing that she knows your position.

Exactly right.

I can kind of relate to where he's coming from because he and I are close to the same age and were married around the same amount of time. I've had a GF for 3 years now, she is beautiful and sweet and thinks the world of me. We have so much more in common than I did with my ex. But still, there is this nagging in the back of my head, this wondering if I could have done more to save my M. I don't know where it is coming from, but I think the best way to put it into words is I was 100% loyal to my ex, I was in the R for life, no looking back. This whole thing blind-sided me, I never expected it from the woman who loved me so much before BD. So even though she was the one that ended the R and M and apparently never looked back, that loyal side of me STILL wants to leave the door open. It's crazy, and to your point in my case I would be much better off just focusing all my attention on GF but it's damned hard to turn 25 years worth of feelings off for good.

Again, this is exactly right.

I spent some time last night thinking about this talk she wants to have, and I can honestly say that I have undergone a lot of introspection over the years, understand many of my failings in our marriage, am open to hearing about the failings I'm unaware of, and am willing to do everything I can to change and do better. BUT I am also acutely aware of her failings, and I am NOT willing to reconcile unless she brings the same willingness to change and meet my needs.

AS, thanks for sharing this. It makes me feel a lot better about my situation to know someone understands it.