That could be very true. I feel like if that is an OW, it is going to come out sooner or later and I am hoping I will be in a much stronger place to deal with it when it happens. I hope there is no OW but I am not naive enough to think my marriage is immune. For sure, it is very possible. But for now... I focus on me and working on my PMA.
Strange day today with my H. He came home to get our son and take him shopping for sweatpants... something I had jokingly suggested he could help me with in our text conversations yesterday. He then texted me a long account of how he had gone to three different stores and compared the length of a smaller size with the larger size so that he could find pants that would fit our tall but tiny waisted boy. He then asked some random question about why there is no such thing as an 8/9... as if I would know. He then texted me when he got back to our house to ask me if I would be home at the usual time and that he was thinking he might have forgotten to do something or drive someone somewhere. I said “no, not unless you are thinking about the tree issue I texted you about the day before.” He then texted that that was totally it and he feels better now that he knows what he was forgetting. It was close to his group time so he texted to say that he would be coming over after work tomorrow to take care of it. I then told him that his mom wanted something heavy moved that was in front of her door. Normally this would irritate him and instead he texted that he would “take care of it right away” and then five minutes later texted “done”. Normally it would have taken me three requests and four reminders to get him to do those things. I just replied “thank you” and left it at that.
I realized something in our exchange today. Keeping the rules in mind, pleasant, friendly, and business like, I realized that when he texted me about getting our son pants, my first instinct was to respond [as I would of prior to BD), “great but did you remember the tress?” I didn’t though because I realized that would negate the fact that he had just done something else that I had asked him to do. To me, the trees would have been a priority over the pants but I realized in that moment that it was not his and that was actually okay. I am so used to scheduling and prioritizing and reminding (my H has ADHD and relies on my reminders but, at the same time, resents them), that I think I have made him feel more like my child than my partner. The stupid thing is that I was, at some level, very much aware of this dynamic and I knew that it was eroding our relationship. For some reason, I just thought I would be able to fix it / change it “later”. Eleven years of marriage... when does later come?
I am rambling a bit now. I had a great day. Really good day at work (ironically, I’m a therapist), an appointment to get my nails done and a positive, surprising interaction with my H. Funny that as the sun goes down, my confidence and resolve does too and I start staring at my phone wishing it would ring or I could just text him my thoughts like I used to. But I know I can’t so here I sit journaling.
My DB book arrived today. Have read the Introduction and Chapter One. The part about how divorce affects children really got to me. I mean, I know it because I am a child therapist and I know how kids are impacted when their family structure changes - no matter how amicable it might be. It changes their world and I so do not want my kids to have to go through that. I want them to have what I had, not what my H had. Sadly my H never had his parents together so I think the really underestimates the importance of it.
It’s only been five days of this new reality (me asking him to leave) but it feels like five weeks. I miss him so much. Or maybe it is the idea of him that I miss given that he hasn’t really been here for the past seven months. I know I did the right thing. I am someone who has made a career out of doing the right thing. Why does the right thing have to be so darn hard?!? Okay... I’ve rambled long enough. Time to read some posts from others on this forum. Need some inspiration. Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps so much.
