Husband cheated, left, trying to DB 5

[ovrrnbw]

Steve, Thanks. I will wait to see action for sure.

LITB, I am no longer afraid of his anger. What causes me such anxiety is thinking his relationship with OW is getting deeper with time, and that is enough to literally make me vomit everyday. And it has.

That doesn't mean things are great there, or that you don't measure up. I read texts in my W's phone last month between her and her sister talking about the OM, how he spends too much money, I know from other people that he isn't a very motivated person and has no real career, I know from everyone and myself that he is a momma's boy. He literally told me I was lucky his dad wasn't home when I confronted him back in April. He said that standing behind his mother, with his brother standing next to them.

The OM/OW is not worth worrying about. They are POS's, and usually a step down, as evidenced in most situations. They are chosen as someone who is controllable by the WS.

[kech]

Thanks all. May have had a backstep tonight. H was late tonight bc of “work”, he texted me and asked if he could still come. I said yes. An hour and a half later he still wasn’t there. When he showed up he was not in his work clothes, and I asked him if he had been drinking. He immediately got mad and said he hadn’t been and that he had been working all day and I said ok well you obviously stopped and changed. He said he did and was basically just telling me he had been working all day and then drove an hour and a half home and he can’t believe I’m giving him a hard time. And I said “it’s your night!”

Basically we got into an argument and when I went to leave he was saying how he had to cancel plans next weekend to watch her on my night and how now I’m going to have fun and he’s just been working all day. And I said “I’m not going to have fun!” And he said “where are you going?” And I just shut the door and left. I was about to cry so I just had to leave.

I shouldn’t have accused him of drinking because he clearly wasn’t. But I was just upset he was so late and my mind makes up a million reasons why and he’s just so unreliable and he doesn’t see it.

But now he’s definitely going to have a bad taste in his mouth because this is the kind of stuff I used to get on him about all the time, but almost 2 hours later is a lot! Especially on top of already being late 2 hours earlier. So now I have to go back home soon and I’m sure we won’t speak and he will leave which is fine. He texted me earlier (prior to argument) and said he would like to come over and watch her both Friday and Saturday night this weekend. I said ok.

I just don’t like that we argued and then he goes off to OW. Us arguing just justifies in his head everything he’s doing, and I shouldn’t have let my mind go there and I should have just left the minute he walked in. We haven’t actively argued like that in person in a pretty long time. Ugh.

[Ready2Change]

but almost 2 hours later is a lot! Especially on top of already being late 2 hours earlier.

Just keep track...Address it later when it is a pattern

He texted me earlier (prior to argument) and said he would like to come over and watch her both Friday and Saturday night this weekend. I said ok.

Perfect. Give him all the parenting time he wants.


Right before you walk in the door, Remember he is to be treated like a cashier.


If he brings up R talk, listen. (NO R TALKING FROM YOU).


"mmm"
"I am sorry feel that way"
"I understand"


if needed:

"I am tired, goodnight", walk to the door and open it for him.

[Ready2Change]

If you do not want to go home yet, Play his game and show up several hours later. Or text him you will be late.

[kech]

I got home and said nothing and went into the bedroom and he left. He then texted me and said “if you have plans from now on you need to let me know. Otherwise I expect us to be a little more negotiable. I didn’t make it a big deal when you came home an hour after you said you would the other night”

I waited a while to respond and then I validated by saying, “I see what you’re saying, I’ll be more up front when I have plans”.... because I do tend to have places to go and not tell him and then when he’s late I get upset. So from now on I will be more firm on my times with him. I could have easily texted him back saying “when you say you’ll be here at a certain time you need to be here”. But I validated and left it at that. He texted back saying “I swear I was working”

I didn’t respond. Should I? I’m thinking probably not.

[Ready2Change]

These are the times where having set times helps reduce confusion.

These are when the exceptions need to be negotiated and you can be flexible. Exceptions should be RARE.

[Ready2Change]

W "H, I understand that work is important. I also understand time with daughter is also important. Is X:00 going to be a repeating issue?

[Ready2Change]

He used the word negotiation. You are now negotiating the exchange time.


I am sure he ment flexible. but use his words.


I also use the "reduce confusion" and clarification words.

[Ready2Change]

Another option:

"H, just expect me to have plans. I do not want to interrupt your time with D"

[SteveLW]

I swear I was working?? Lol Dude it's lying.