It's funny how time passes in regards to sitches like these the days become blurred out and "good" days just keep on happening.
It's been over a month since my last major meltdown. I still feel like my life is improving daily. Both in regards to my sitch and without.
I have taken my DB coach's advice to heart and now establishing a friendship with W. I ask W if she wants to do family things and she usually agrees. If not the same day, then usually later. I do remember the part of not believing anything they say, so I'm not anticipating anything. If she follows through, great. Another step forward. If not, I take the rejection lightly and try again later. In the words of my DB coach, I am ready to elicit a positive response if W says "no". Further reinforcement that I am not the same H I used to be and further establishing myself as a person only a fool would leave.
W and I are still cordial and joke around quite a bit. We are becoming friendlier to each other. Something that hasn't been seen or felt in a long time. I asked W yesterday if she wanted to come home earlier this morning and we can have breakfast together. She said it is too early but we can do that this weekend. I agreed. Will it happen? I don't know. No expectations. I am ready whether she agrees or no. I just use that as fuel to better myself.
I am getting better of not caring of her whereabouts everytime she is away. That being said, I do not know if there is a BD2 waiting in the wings as time passes. I do know and she does as well that we both do not want to keep things as they are as a new normal. I am dropping major hints without being direct in the hopes that she comes out of her fog and makes her way back to R. I feel good now, but I still worry from time to time if some bad news regarding our sitch is on the horizon.
I am still lifting, still doing housework, still GAL, and now taking sex classes. As part of my journey of being a man, I also want to be a more confident lover. One who takes control (long been W's fantasy of her of being dominated by me, but I am not doing it for her. I'm genuinely curious and want to assert my sexual dominance in a healthy, safe, consensual manner). Sex has always been a problem in our R and I want to make sure that when I get my next chance I do not repeat the same mistakes I created before.
I yearn for some skin to skin contact. It's been 9 months and counting or no warm hugs, no kisses, none of that. Yeah, I'll get bro hugs every now and then, but it's obviously not the same. I can cheat and pay for it, but the feeling will just be empty and I do not want that. I just have to wait, which really stinks. But it is what it is.
My journal is now full of inspirational quotes, notes from my discussions with my counselors on dealing with my sitch, dealing with my life, and being a better person. It's also full of achievements, small and large for me to reflect and be thankful for. Achievements in family, work, self, even current status with W. All positive notes now.
I continue to look over my shoulder. Not in the hopes that W and I will R (though I still have high hopes for that as well), but more if something bad is following and is planning on taking me down, undoing all of the good progress I have made in the last few months. Objectively, I would say that my thought on that is a little ridiculous. But there have been times in which my hopes got dashed to bits. I know I don't control that. That's in the hands of the higher power. All I can do is control what I can control and pray that the higher power hears my pleas for my desired results.
I hope and pray the higher power sees my wish and grants it to me.
