Steve, Thanks. I will wait to see action for sure.
LITB, I am no longer afraid of his anger. What causes me such anxiety is thinking his relationship with OW is getting deeper with time, and that is enough to literally make me vomit everyday. And it has. I believe he stays with her every night, and it brings me back to when him and I first met and how we were and how we would stay together every night and just watch movies and talk and send fun texts. And I just picture him throughout the day wanting to talk to her, and I just feel like as the wife, I cant compete. He knows me better than anyone in the world. He seems so angry about these positive changes Ive made because it took all this for me to make them, but our life together changed SO much, its almost like I dont even think either of us has any idea what life would be like together right now. Feb 2017 we bought a house. June 2017 we got pregnant. July 2017 he left for a job 4 hours away, September 2017 BD, October 2017, he came back, we were working on things, December 2017, I found out about OW, Feb 2018, our D was born. So before BD we had bought a home and gotten pregnant within 4 months and then all of this happened. It was like we never got to experience that next stage of our lives truly TOGETHER because everything happened.
I will say I regret our decision to purchase the house. He says now it wasnt the house he wanted and he wishes he had spoken up, but I cant help but feel like if we had stayed 1 year longer in the house we were living in, so many things would be different. Everything in the new house feels completely off. He feels negatively about the house and in the old house we just had such great times and memories. Just something I think about.
I do also beat myself up over certain things i wish I had handled differently in our recent interactions. I wish I asked him certain questions after he said certain statements, things like that. I wish I wasnt so concerned ALL the time with DBing the right way and said more. When I said the things I said to him the other day it was the first time I felt like ME in a long time, and I thought I would come on here and get 2x4s for it, and everyone said how I handled it so great. So i think I need to trust myself a little more and have a little more confidence in myself and what I bring to the table. Before DBing and even during DBing, I was being so nice. I was trying to appear nice as if I was detached and what he was doing wasnt affecting me, but that is so far from the case. It was all just eating me up inside, and everyone told me to stop being so nice, but I felt like I needed to be. But What he is doing isnt right. I dont need to keep thinking about how he will react or how he will feel if I say certain things. I am a human being, of course im not ok with what hes doing. And for some reason it was like I was pretending I was. As if I just accept it. Thats how i was making it, and I dont accept it.
Im falling apart at the seams and I am keeping that away from him, And thats how it has to be for now. But I have SUCH a hard time being around him and saying nothing, or just leaving the minute he walks in because I feel like its a failed chance to interact with him. It feels like with time we see less and less of one another. Just a week ago he was coming everyday we would talk, interact, now we have a schedule in place and he comes 4 times a week and I say pretty much nothing to him. I just dont know if me saying the things I said to him the other day are going to make him feel like "well, I might as well keep seeing OW bc W doesnt want me anyways", or if I could be scaring him away, or if it could be making him see he is losing me, or what. Im just an emotional mess honestly but im still breathing. Im still alive. im still getting through my days. I just am missing him every second of the day and I hope that starts to get less and less
