Wow. So where do I begin? My story actually starts four years ago when my husband went through his “first MLC”. He woke up one morning and out of the blue, announced to me that he wasn’t living the life he was supposed to be living, loved me but not in love with me, etc... you know the drill. Once I had gotten over the shock, I made the decision to stand (didn’t know then what it was called) and told him that divorce was not an option (financially it was impossible), that I felt he was clinically depressed (and out of his mind) and that it was his responsibility to do what he needed to do to get his head on straight. And then I stepped back and that is what he did. What followed was six months of self exploration - some counselling, joined a men’s group, went on a couple of men’s retreats, and spent one month living in his friend’s garage. I did my best to support everything but also to take care of my own needs. Three months after his declaration, I even forced myself to go on a planned trip to Hawaii by myself while he stayed home with the kids. Hardest thing I ever did but I was determined. Long story short, he returned home of his own accord a month after moving out claiming to be back to “normal” and “in love” with me again. When asked about the previous months of confusion, he would tell me that everything was “fuzzy” and he felt like he had been in a fog and not thinking clearly. Two months after his return, he developed Shingles which became somewhat chronic and necessitated a lot of treatment that had him staying away nights in a local hospital. Unbeknownst to me, at some point during that time, the treatment slowed down but he went back to his MLC ways only this time, he was camping out at various places pretending to be at the hospital and avoiding me and his “life”. Looking back, I recall that he seemed quite depressed but I chalked it up to the Shingles. Fast forward to 2017 with this strange life of being home for short periods of time and gone for long periods of time but all the while working full-time save for one month in 2016 when he took a medical leave. It seems like a long period of time to live like that and honestly, I think there were many times when I questioned things but he would always have an answer that seemed plausible and there was a part of me that was just too tired dealing with everything and really didn’t want to know. In 2017, my mom was dying of cancer and I got the idea that we should move closer to my family which was in a much less expensive area to live. I found a job posting within my organization that I felt I would get and approached him with the idea of moving. I kind of expected him to balk at the idea but to my surprise, he was super enthusiastic and within three months, I got the job, he found one too, we sold our house for a ridiculous amount of money, paid off every debt we had and bought a beautiful ocean view dream home for cash in the new community. I thought we were home free as many of our stresses just went away. For the first eight months we were here, he was like a different person. Happy, engaged, present, pain well-managed, future-oriented, and satisfied with his life. We bought a boat (he had always wanted one), spent time fishing and boating together and just basically enjoyed our new reality. We even took our family on a trip to Mexico which is something we hadn’t been able to do since our kids were 7 months old... they are almost 11.
Then...without warning... his pain returned in March 2018 and he announced to me that he had to go back to the hospital. And he did this... for awhile... and, like before, when the treatment regimen stopped being every night, he continued to act as if it was still continuing and spent almost every night away from home... but continued to work and come home until around 5 or 6 when he would leave. I know now that he wasn’t going to the hospital but was spending alone time on our boat (my key went “missing” around then so I would have to borrow his if I wanted to go down there) and then in June he sold his beloved car that he had been restoring and told me he was going to use the money to restore a different vehicle. I later found out that he has been using the money to rent a suite for himself where he continued to spend his evenings isolating from the world. All of this eventually came to a head almost a month ago after my suspicious brother-in-law decided to put a tracker on his car and found out where he was going. Of course, everyone assumed it was an affair and I confronted him on it but he swore up and down that it was not (“just a really messed up guy”} and the next morning (he stayed the night in our home), he took me there so I could see where he had been living. Sure enough... tiny little depressing place with many items from our home that I hadn’t yet realized were missing and no sign of anyone else... and I looked very carefully. When I asked him “why”, all he could tell me is that he “couldn’t stand living with me anymore” [huh? I had barely seen him and when I did, we didn’t fight, I supported him in everything he wanted to do, I was literally killing myself to not stress him out as I thought it would just make his pain worse]. He later backtracked on that and said that as crazy as it sounded, it was the only place he could go where the noise in his head would go away and he could just concentrate on one thing. He also laughed when I suggested he might still be lying about an affair and said that he has lost all interest in sex with anyone and has become almost asexual... definitely depressed because this was not him. He then proceeded to stay home for three days straight listening to me toss “truth darts” in his direction and breaking down at various points saying that he didn’t deserve me, that he used to be a good person, etc... a lot of shame and guilt. Finally after three days, he asked me if he could return to his place in the evenings to think and process and when he was able to do that, he said it helped him. He also went to our local crisis clinic (crying the whole way there apparently)and got a counsellor and signed up for group therapy to help him deal with his depression and anxiety. He has attended those weekly for the past three weeks. Sounds like a good step, right? Only one hitch... a week ago last Sunday, he announced to me that he felt like he wasn’t ready to return home and although he didn’t use those words, he intimated that he was thinking about divorce and had not given notice at his place like he said. He then left and I had a horrible six hours of emotional pain which I had to hide from our children. Why six hours? Because, six hours after he left, he texted me to say that I had been right... that he had run away and hadn’t tried to make things work with us. He said he was ashamed and sorry and didn’t know how he could ever recover or face anyone but that he wanted to come home and try to regain my trust. The next day he texted me random ideas about what he thought might help and we even met for coffee. I, of course, supported him and told him that we would work it out. In hindsight, I might have been too enthusiastic because he stayed at his place “packing and processing” and I agreed to it because he told me he would be returning that Sunday with all of his stuff. For the remainder of the time, he was around helping with house stuff and seeing the kids and having lots of good talks but always running off to his place to sleep and ‘think”.
On Sunday morning, he comes over without his things and asks if we can talk. He then stares at me in a forlorn way and I know... he doesn’t want to come home. He then tells me that he still does not feel ready to come home and starts talking about possibly staying a couple more weeks. At this point, I am not happy at all and I realize in that moment that if he comes home, he will be distracted by everything else going on and not focusing on himself. I also realized that I didn’t want to have to walk on eggshells around him and feeling like I was auditioning for my role as his wife. So...I found myself taking a deep breath and doing the exact opposite of what I wanted... I told him to go... not in anger, more like in resignation. I told him that I didn’t want him home until he really wanted to be there and wanted to work on our relationship. I didn’t talk with him about timelines or rules or anything... just asked him to leave and told him I would be taking a step back and giving him space to work things out. I made sure he knew the door was open for him to contact me if he needed to talk but that I would only be contacting him regarding the children and was going to use the time to figure out who I was as I think that has been lost in the last four years with me focusing solely on his needs.
And so it has been three days and I have been as quiet as I can be. It’s been tough. He came by yesterday morning to take our daughter to tutoring. I plastered a pleasant smile on my face and it was awkward. Luckily they had to rush off. Later that afternoon, I had to text him about parent-teacher interviews and it was a very pleasant exchange that went on longer than it needed to. He was actually writing quite a bit (unusual) and even complimented me on my parenting and offered to take our son shopping for clothing. I suggested he do that on Sunday as I was having guests for dinner (my attempt at GAL) and I knew our son would not like what was being served. Friday is the next day I know I will see him, our daughter has a belt test for her TKD and wants us both there. I am gearing myself up to look happy, calm and totally kid-focused, say goodbye as soon as it ends and then I will hold my head up high and walk away without looking back. Just have to make sure I sit closer to the door than he does.
Anyway...that’s my story thus far. Sorry for how wordy it is. Hard to sum up the last four years in a few paragraphs.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-64, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
A couple things to note about my husband. He is essentially an only child although he has two half siblings who were born when he was an adult. His dad left his mom for a younger woman when she was 8 months pregnant with my H so he has never lived with both of his parents. His dad and he have a very distant, conflictual relationship. Throughout our marriage there have been periods of time when they haven’t spoken to one another - usually when my H does something that offends his dad. The not speaking thing has been a pattern with his dad his entire life. At this time, they have not spoken to each other since August 2017. His mom lives in a basement suite in our home and is a huge support to me. She is what I would call avoidant. She is a fantastic person but cannot stand conflict...as if anyone likes it. Just as an example - she found out what my H was doing on the same night that I did (I told her) which meant that he has been lying to her for as long as he has been lying to me. It’s been over three weeks and they have seen each other plenty of times but they have not said one word to each other about what has happened. They just carry on as if everything is normal. It is bizarre.
I come from the exact opposite situation. I have an identical twin who is my best friend and a younger brother who is very supportive of me but lives far away. We grew up in a two-parent home with parents who had their arguments but always, always worked things through and stayed married and devoted to each other until death. In my family, if you were upset with someone, you told them and you worked it out and forgave each other. The silent treatment did not exist in our home. Grudges did not exist either. So my H’s sitch is completely foreign to me and I realize now that while I was forgiving him on a daily basis for his faults and shortcomings, he was keeping a list of mine and holding on to them as a way of distancing himself from me. In hindsight, I definitely could feel the distancing and detaching but I wrongly chalked it up to his medical issues and just kept telling myself to be patient and that we could work on our marriage once he was better. How wrong I was.
Anyway... just wanted to add those details. I would appreciate people’s feedback and advice. Reading the posts on here has been very helpful and they have given me some hope and increased my resolve. I know there is a really good person inside my H. He comes out when he is with our kids who are thankfully somewhat oblivious to what is happening as they are so used to him being away. This doesn’t feel any different to them.
So...at home with a sick daughter and reading as much as I can. Doorbell rang a while ago and it was a bylaw officer saying that trees the former home owners had planted around a bus stop in front of our house need to be removed. So I texted my H and he replied immediately (instead of the usual 30-60 minute delay) to say that he would come over tomorrow after work to take care of it. I just about fell out of my chair. This from a man who a few weeks ago told me he couldn’t give a crap about mowing our lawn? A man who hates to be bothered with anything that looks like home maintenance unless it is his idea? To say that I was surprised and pleased would be an understatement. Anyway...I stayed totally cool. Thanked him for his help and asked him to let me know if he needed me to do anything to help him. He responded “okay” with a smiley face attached. Odd what seems like a big deal in this new reality of mine. Makes things interesting, I suppose.
It’s the morning of Day 5 and I’m starting to wonder if I made a mistake in asking him to leave. I am fully onboard with GAL and acting “as if” but there is a part of me that is angry at myself for making the decision for him. I mean, I am pretty sure it was what he was humming and hawing about anyway and would have done it on his own but maybe I should have just waited for him to say it and not helped him out? And shpuld I have told him that I needed space cause it feels like I set myself up for him to go dark on me. Save for a couple of housekeeping texts, we’ve had no contact and when we have, it’s been super pleasant, like neither of us have a care in the world and this is totally normal. He hasn’t tried to contact the kids either and they are used to seeing him every day. I wonder if he is missing them or if he is just using this time away to detach and tell himself that it was my choice for him to leave? That thought keeps me up at night. . Anyway...just needed to get that off my chest. So wish I could just fast forward to the end of this story to see how it ends. Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst makes me feel like I am just treading water.
On the positive side, my weekend seems pretty full. My twin is coming over on Saturday for a sleepover as her husband is away. No way that H will drop by since he is avoiding my family like the plague. I’ve told him she supports both of us but her and her husband were the people who “outed” him and he is too ashamed to face her (he told me this a week ago - “too ashamed to face anyone”.) Sunday another friend is coming over and we are making Thanksgiving dinner (I live in Canada). H is taking the kids that day so he is aware of the dinner.
Would appreciate people’s thoughts on my questions? Did I jump the gun?
DV6, just be careful with these exchanges. Keep everything business like. No need to thank him, he hasn't done anything yet!
You: Trees by bus stop need to be removed. Him: I'll come over tomorrow after work to take care of it. You: Okay
Any pressure or pursuit you engage in will be felt. And yes, your over exuberance at his offer to help (assuming he follows through on it) comes across as pressure.
AS far as the decision to ask him to leave, I am not going to answer that. But read your own words:
Quote
Then...without warning... his pain returned in March 2018 and he announced to me that he had to go back to the hospital. And he did this... for awhile... and, like before, when the treatment regimen stopped being every night, he continued to act as if it was still continuing and spent almost every night away from home... but continued to work and come home until around 5 or 6 when he would leave. I know now that he wasn’t going to the hospital but was spending alone time on our boat (my key went “missing” around then so I would have to borrow his if I wanted to go down there) and then in June he sold his beloved car that he had been restoring and told me he was going to use the money to restore a different vehicle. I later found out that he has been using the money to rent a suite for himself where he continued to spend his evenings isolating from the world. All of this eventually came to a head almost a month ago after my suspicious brother-in-law decided to put a tracker on his car and found out where he was going.
...
On Sunday morning, he comes over without his things and asks if we can talk. He then stares at me in a forlorn way and I know... he doesn’t want to come home. He then tells me that he still does not feel ready to come home and starts talking about possibly staying a couple more weeks.
And then your question again:
Quote
It’s the morning of Day 5 and I’m starting to wonder if I made a mistake in asking him to leave. I am fully onboard with GAL and acting “as if” but there is a part of me that is angry at myself for making the decision for him. I mean, I am pretty sure it was what he was humming and hawing about anyway and would have done it on his own but maybe I should have just waited for him to say it and not helped him out? And shpuld I have told him that I needed space cause it feels like I set myself up for him to go dark on me. Save for a couple of housekeeping texts, we’ve had no contact and when we have, it’s been super pleasant, like neither of us have a care in the world and this is totally normal. He hasn’t tried to contact the kids either and they are used to seeing him every day. I wonder if he is missing them or if he is just using this time away to detach and tell himself that it was my choice for him to leave?
Okay now I get blunt. Only a complete moron could read that first paragraph, and then conclude that "that it was my (your) choice for him to leave". If he is telling himself that then he is a complete and utter moron.
He LEFT. You didn't ask him to leave, he had been gone already! All you did was " told him that I didn’t want him home until he really wanted to be there and wanted to work on our relationship." That was the RIGHT thing to tell him.
But you didn't ask him to leave, he was already gone, you just didn't allow him back until HE WAS REALLY RETURNING. You did the right thing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Try not to get too caught up in not having frequent convo with him. You agreed to give him space, now respect that and give him the space. You forcing conversations and interactions will not help, he will just feel the pressure even more. It [censored] for you, b/c this is your husband and you want more, but you need to stick to your guns and realize that if he doesn't want to be there, you can't make a person do anything. So he can be there when he really wants to be there.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
. Anyway...just needed to get that off my chest. So wish I could just fast forward to the end of this story to see how it ends. Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst makes me feel like I am just treading water.