Thank you Blue, yes my motherly instincts want me to protect my babies but I have no control even there and I am struggling with that. I have slid back in the past few days, I have learnt it in the last 7 months that this is a cyclical healing process but it is still so hard on the days that you dont feel so strong. I dont like WH the way he is now and he is absolutely unacceptable but I still want him back, I want him to feel remorse at what he has done, how he has destroyed and burnt everything to the ground. I want to show the changes I am consciously making, I want a chance to fix what is bent, I am unwilling still to accept it is completely broken, I want to save their family for my children. I know none of this is in my control, this is just what I feel from inside. We had a bitter mediation appointment and if a friend of mine would say this about her own life I would feel sorry and pathetic for her but here I am, despite knowing it all. D3.5 cries and misses him so much, while she is with me. I hate him all those times, I can handle the pain but he is doing this to my children. I am slowly moving forward with my life, I meditate, sleep and eat better, GAL when I can and invest myself with anything that piques my interest. I have found an immense amount of peace by leaning into spirituality, helps me feel better if I can just lean on the higher power. WH has gone super silent since the last mediation meeting, it feels like the calm before the storm, at this point he will either serve me papers or come back with his newer terms for the mediation. I know I will rise up to either of those options, in a way it is my duty to do so for the precious children I have. Recently someone at work unexpectedly offered me their support telling me they heard what has transpired. I was shocked, I did not know people were beginning to know. Its a small world when you work for the same company, that might be the next storm I have to bear. It might rain pity and judgement for both of us, I am not feeding the fire but how do I stop people from gossiping? It really cannot be good for any chance of future R. WH is going to think I am spreading the rumors, I think he is talking, either way we both are losing yet again. How bad are relationships hurt when such news becomes common knowledge? Any guidance for me on this? On a positive note, I recently go to observe D3.5 at her school, she is so smart for her age. I have such a huge task to nourish her intellectual capabilities and I am thrilled about it. I have started a gratitude journal, it is quite helpful, I realize I have so much to be thankful for. 6 months ago I wouldnt be able to write a word in it, now I can fill a page. I am still on NC/minimal contact, I let him initiate and there are no convos to validate or be open from his side either. I wish I felt stronger, more healed but it takes as long as it takes I suppose.
