LW, I've been thinking about your sitch and my last post this morning and I want to express some frustration as well as point out a few things that I feel you may be missing. Sometimes it helps to know the WHY in order to accept and best execute some of these DB techniques.
I think you are a good guy. When I decided to follow your thread, I did it because, in giving back, I felt it best to go deep with a few people since it's impossible to keep up with all people's sitch. So you won or lost depending on how you look at it.
We all vent. Most share our feelings even if they are not what we are supposed to be feeling for proper DBing. When we share our stories they are from one person's perspective. So, when an interaction sounds counterproductive to what your supposed goal is, it only stands that helpful people will call you out. We are all here because we want to save our marriages. No? I for one, am not here for unconditional support. I don't offer it either. It's not productive. I am here for results, not to just feel good regardless of what I'm doing in my sitch.
So, I want to say something about the reasons behind "Validation". Forgive me if you think you know this. When I read about your interactions with your W, I wonder if you grasp the why.
Validation is IMO, is a way to:
[*]Lower or remove pressure for WW/WAW [*]End any Fight or Flight dynamic, which hinders any rational thinking on their part. [*]Let's W know that you are emotionally there for them. The cause of most MR problems in the first place. [*]Helps W feel like you are listening and that their feelings are understood and are a priority to you. [*]Helps better prepare us to respond and not react when we hear threatening stuff.
It's not just something to check off the list, yet at first, it needs to be intentional.
LW, Make this woman believe that if she were to explore coming back, that the waters are friendly. That her thoughts and feelings mater. That you care about her happiness. That you have changed.
Otherwise, just be done with it.
Your conditions will have to be covered latter during recon. Hope this helps.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
