A couple things to note about my husband. He is essentially an only child although he has two half siblings who were born when he was an adult. His dad left his mom for a younger woman when she was 8 months pregnant with my H so he has never lived with both of his parents. His dad and he have a very distant, conflictual relationship. Throughout our marriage there have been periods of time when they haven’t spoken to one another - usually when my H does something that offends his dad. The not speaking thing has been a pattern with his dad his entire life. At this time, they have not spoken to each other since August 2017. His mom lives in a basement suite in our home and is a huge support to me. She is what I would call avoidant. She is a fantastic person but cannot stand conflict...as if anyone likes it. Just as an example - she found out what my H was doing on the same night that I did (I told her) which meant that he has been lying to her for as long as he has been lying to me. It’s been over three weeks and they have seen each other plenty of times but they have not said one word to each other about what has happened. They just carry on as if everything is normal. It is bizarre.
I come from the exact opposite situation. I have an identical twin who is my best friend and a younger brother who is very supportive of me but lives far away. We grew up in a two-parent home with parents who had their arguments but always, always worked things through and stayed married and devoted to each other until death. In my family, if you were upset with someone, you told them and you worked it out and forgave each other. The silent treatment did not exist in our home. Grudges did not exist either. So my H’s sitch is completely foreign to me and I realize now that while I was forgiving him on a daily basis for his faults and shortcomings, he was keeping a list of mine and holding on to them as a way of distancing himself from me. In hindsight, I definitely could feel the distancing and detaching but I wrongly chalked it up to his medical issues and just kept telling myself to be patient and that we could work on our marriage once he was better. How wrong I was.
Anyway... just wanted to add those details. I would appreciate people’s feedback and advice. Reading the posts on here has been very helpful and they have given me some hope and increased my resolve. I know there is a really good person inside my H. He comes out when he is with our kids who are thankfully somewhat oblivious to what is happening as they are so used to him being away. This doesn’t feel any different to them.
