Did, have you been sexually intimate with the other lady? The way you and your W are going, I think it could be hazardous to date other people....and especially have sex with others. Although you've told the OW that you can't provide or aren't looking for the same things that she might currently desire...…..that's not enough. You need to stop seeing her until you get your relationship with W straighten out. I mean, you are playing with fire, if you are having sex with both women! And, here's the thing...….for some women, it becomes a competition with each other. Your W is not soft=hearted or cares a flip about the OW's feelings. Don't believe that for a second! She knows another woman wants her H, so that alone makes you more sexually appealing (butterflies included) to her. It's just like when the H is competing against OM for his W's favors. Your W is doing the same thing. She wants you available to her, but she doesn't want you getting too close. In other words, she wants what she can't have, and if she can have it.....then she loses interest and claims she feels smothered, feeling anxious....whatever. She wants everything on her terms, but she's too wishy-washy to even know what it is if she saw it. She seems to operate completely based on whatever her emotions dictate at any given moment. Her emotions are fickle, therefore, so is her needs and desire and how that plays out with you. One day, she's not, the next day she's cold. What's changed? Her emotional thermometer.

I have not commented on your stitch in some time, b/c frankly, I felt my words were falling on deaf ears. Not just my words, but everyone's. Not that you've been rude or said anything offensive, b/c you have been very nice. I just wonder if you truly believe what we say really works. Maybe you are listening to too many outside sources of advice, IDK. Sometimes it can get confusing when living under emotional stress and trying to grasp so much information. I just see a young man who has trouble staying balanced in his actions. And if I've ever seen a stitch that needs balance, this one does. Do you know what I mean? You jump from one extreme to the polar opposite. The sad thing is...….your W does the same thing! I really don't know if she needs therapy, or if she is one of these women who gets her kicks by manipulating the man with her "helplessness" and erratic emotions/behavior. Either way, she probably needs therapy. If I had to guess, I would take a stab at saying she worked her parents in similar fashion. Maybe that is her MO in most all of her relationships. All I can say is that it will make you an old man fast, if you try to keep her satisfied in a MR......and I'm not talking sexually, but that is a strong possibility, too.

I speak plain, but I'm not trying to hurt you more than you already are suffering. I see this relationship as being unhealthy and without both of you fully cooperating with a therapist, I don't know if it will get better. I think she needs individual therapy before having couples therapy. That's just my opinion.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!