You are teaching them to stay with someone who makes them unhappy because of the kids. No sane person would because that isn't the correct thing to do.
Benito, sometimes, I wonder if you have read DR...I dont understand this quote at all. I say by standing, he is teaching his children to honor his commitments. He is teaching them to stand for what they believe in. I think tucking and running just because his W is making him unhappy is kind of the opposite of what MWD writes about.
Originally Posted by Benito
You dont need to wonder about me; I have read it, implemented it, and we purchase our second home together in a few weeks. So lets say I threw myself into it. And it worked.
I know. I was there helping you through it. Probably though one of my previous usernames
Originally Posted by Benito
This situation has not changed a single bit since it started. Its is the same chasing and desperate reactive behaviour it has been from the start. If someone comes to this board for help but then continues to do the same behaviour that is actually pushing her away - it tells me he knows what to do but is scared about the actual reality of moving away and actually coming to terms that this relationship is over and life is too ridiculously short to be trying to build trust with people who steal from you in your closet circle. If I knew one of my brothers or daughters were in a relationship like that I would not be happy.
Im confused. I one hundred percent agree with the bolded. I think that David should continue to post and learn and grow. What I dont understand is the latter part and what that has to do with the first part. I never have said that the objective right now should be to build trust or try to repair a relationship with someone that is clearly "out". I said that now is a time to focus on personal growth and focus on being the best man and dad and friend and person he can be. Basically, to take the relationship with W and put it completely to the side. To set appropriate boundaries for what he will accept and what he wont. If the stealing or the lying is enough to make it so that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with her ever again, then, sure, fine, get divorced. i dont think it's any place of ours to judge his desire to want to make the marriage work at some point in the future. I dont think simply running is the only solution, because until he has the skills to enforce boundaries and to GAL and to become AMOAFWL, then it doesnt really matter with which woman he is in a relationship.
Originally Posted by Benito
A situation where one person is 100% certain the other person is stealing from them but continues to entertain her.
The same person that told us he has been caught out by this someone taking his money and treating him similar in the past.
For me, that would possibly be a deal breaker as well. But that isnt my place to project my opinions on what is acceptable or not onto David's life and marriage. For many people a PA is a deal breaker...for others it isnt. I say each person can draw their own line. I believe our job is to help people to define that line and help them enforce it....not to project our own lines onto them.
Originally Posted by Benito
But some situations are not worth saving at one particular time because it isnt healthy. He is teaching them to be a door mat. Are you telling me their kids have never picked up on the dynamic in that home? how he is the one in pursuit mode? Of course they do. That isnt a good lesson to teach kids. You want to teach them kids that the commitment to himself as a person is less important than that of the person he is in a unhealthy relationship with?
Youre right, he is absolutely teaching that. But not because he is sticking around and hoping to save his marriage. It's in not enforcing boundaries, it's in not discussing things like the phone with her, it's in taking her to lunch when she whines about the kids leaving.
David - Im sorry for the hijack. I think we all want you to succeed in whatever your goals are. I know it doesnt do you any good to hear a bunch of different viewpoints. I think that Benito and I certainly agree that you need to figure out what your "line in the sand" is. You need to figure out what behaviors from you you can and what behaviors you cannot accept. And what your response(s) is when she acts in ways that you wont accept. And then you need to stick to those so that they arent moving targets for her. It's not an easy job, but I think it will benefit both you and your kids.
