Okay - I'm not saying show your love for your H now...
I'm saying take a step back to see your H's viewpoint. I'm not asking you to engage in a conversation with him about it. I'm asking your to delve deeper into yourself. What is your love language? Are you sure? What is your H's? What in the past made you feel really loved by your H and vice versa? Why would he feel that you weren't showing love they way he needed it??? This is your homework.
Also - anger is good. Of course you feel "why would he be so angry if I'm doing something he wants?" Please refer to earlier paragraph. The fact that he is angry means he notices... it means he still has some investment left.
Don't get me wrong - A is inappropriate for sure. Can you take your H back after an A? IDK? Have you done your homework on that? It sounds like you desperately want your M but have you worked through what that means? That you both will have to deal with this A? For some its a deal breaker... for others it can be forgivable. Where are you on that homework?
Again - I know many on here have a different opinion but you should really look into How to Affair Proof Your Marriage/His Needs, Her Needs. It might help you work through if you want your M after the A. I think your H has been unhappy about somethings in your M for some time...to the point he fooled himself into the grass is greener scenario. I also think your H has true connections with you and even though it feels to you that he out playing with his A and not missing you at all you might be surprised how much he has been trying to reconcile his feelings with you and your M.
Of course like Steve says you still need to GAL and 180 and honestly those should be lifetime endeavors here forth even during recon. I think there is real opportunity to save your M but step away from the center of the boxing ring and go back to your corner for a bit. You need to solidly regroup!!! Continue texting at this point will be nothing but pouring raw heated emotion at the other person when right now a clear head is needed.
HUGS
Thank you for this. This really helps me see what you were saying. While taking a step back, will he not be under the impression I am just content with him seeing her still?
we have tried many times to make it work since then and he just has never seemed really fully in it IMO
He won't be, until something changes. You. Want to hear about how "well" my 3 months of MC went, when W was still in her A? Hint: I'm still here fighting.
Originally Posted by kech
Things with this new OW just feel different to me.
I fall into this trap all the time. We project our emotions/thoughts onto reality and it colors how we see things. Could be 100% wrong.
Curious, and forgive me if I'm out of line, but have you thought about talking to your doctor about antidepressants? The reason I ask is because some of them also work really well for anxiety. But I'm not sure if you can take them while you're breastfeeding. There is a specific antidepressant that is known to work quite well for anxiety and isn't sedating/addictive but I don't know that I'm allowed to say anything about that here. That being said, psychotherapy has been shown to be as effective as medication to treat certain conditions like anxiety. And, if you can believe it, they did a head-to-head comparison of certain antidepressants compared to physical exercise, and it ended in a tie.
Just seems to me that some of the energy you're pointing at your H could be pointed at addressing this aspect of how your mind holds you back. My two cents.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Thank you for this. This really helps me see what you were saying. While taking a step back, will he not be under the impression I am just content with him seeing her still?
Don't be silly... now you are just way overthinking to the max. You've already made your statement. He knows your feelings on this other person. You don't have to flog a dead horse there.
Just as you need to time to regroup after the bally of texts so does he. Don't make up in your imagination how he is spending the day... you don't know!!! You have no idea what he is doing. You have to drop the thoughts of who he is with and why... etc.
Curious, and forgive me if I'm out of line, but have you thought about talking to your doctor about antidepressants? The reason I ask is because some of them also work really well for anxiety. But I'm not sure if you can take them while you're breastfeeding. There is a specific antidepressant that is known to work quite well for anxiety and isn't sedating/addictive but I don't know that I'm allowed to say anything about that here. That being said, psychotherapy has been shown to be as effective as medication to treat certain conditions like anxiety. And, if you can believe it, they did a head-to-head comparison of certain antidepressants compared to physical exercise, and it ended in a tie.
Just seems to me that some of the energy you're pointing at your H could be pointed at addressing this aspect of how your mind holds you back. My two cents.
You are absolutely right about this. The IC I went to see did suggest me look into medicine to help with the anxiety I am having. I have a call into my doctor. While I was pregnant after BD, they put me on something very mild that was allowed during pregnancy, and it was just to help me function through the days because I was not eating and it was very unhealthy for the baby. But when my husband came home 3 weeks later I felt so much better, so I dont know if the medicine helped or if it was just the circumstance.I didnt feel that awful again until we decided to separate in April when the baby was 6 weeks, because I knew he was still talking to first OW. We have been so on and off since April that its been hard to figure out my feelings honestly. This time has been the longest that he has been out of the house, and with us having a schedule now, and him now having this new OW, it is just the most REAL this has been, which is why I think I am having such a horrific emotional reaction to all of it.
Don't be silly... now you are just way overthinking to the max. You've already made your statement. He knows your feelings on this other person. You don't have to flog a dead horse there.
Just as you need to time to regroup after the bally of texts so does he. Don't make up in your imagination how he is spending the day... you don't know!!! You have no idea what he is doing. You have to drop the thoughts of who he is with and why... etc.
My imagination has run wild all night and all day. I wish I could drop the thoughts. I am trying. If I could be successful in this my days would be better
Im not going to initiate any contact. I keep thinking about what R2C said, woman fall in love with men in their presence, men fall in love with a woman in her absence. I pray thats true. I would love to find a way to not see him at all, but currently that isnt possible. But we do only see one another for about 2 minutes in and out of the house. It just seems like he takes my GAL as me just being ok with all this. I dont know. I know that doesnt change that I have to GAL for myself. I just am SO angry with him right now and hate how everytime i show my anger, instead of accepting responsibility, he has to become angry too.
kech, all valid points and concerns. I get it. But you have to remember,
GAL is for yourself. It's about improving yourself and making yourself happier, stronger, smarter, and more self-confident. Who gives a f*ck if your H is ok or not with this? You're not GAL for him.
I'll ask again ...what awesome GAL thing do you have planned today? What special thing do you have planned for kech?
...what awesome GAL thing do you have planned today? What special thing do you have planned for kech?