I'm sure I will get rail roaded here but here it goes anyway...
KECH - first off your H's A is not appropriate but it is a sign that your M is broken. The A is a symptom not the problem.
Second - you can eye roll all you want to the line of "if you loved me like I wanted" all you want. Maybe its true, maybe its not... BUT - IT IS HOW YOUR H FEELS. So its his truth. Whatever happened in your M your H has felt pushed aside with his needs NOT being met as how he needed them. This happen so much in M because communication gets lost especially when life spins in with jobs/kids/etc. You need to understand its not an accusation but an honest line of his feelings.
Third - I totally feel that the line at the Dr office was his way of acknowledging your feelings. I think he has been seeing enough "positive" things that got him thinking about his role in all this and his choices. But, rather than you simply stating that it was something you had hoped for or how the kids will benefit from him being home more you snapped at him. Sending him to vividly back to the woman he chose to leave.
Yes - they get angry. They get angry because the start to see the person that they loved and they needed. You are capable of being the support system they needed and desired... so why weren't you all along???
I can't tell you how angry my H was with me. He point blank said "I could have been this way all along but I chose not to... my choosing not to was a direct slap in his face... and now that I am he is more confused than ever... he doesn't know what to believe." This anger/confusion stage can take awhile for them to sort through.
I can tel you my best male friend gave me that exact perspective when he finally walked out of his trouble M. He said it took him a long time to get over his anger about her ability to make more effort now that he was gone rather than in all the months he stayed and begged for things to be different.
I am also of the working theory that A's happen because a spouse is seriously lacking in have needs met in the M. Yes of course there are serial cheaters out there because they can't do monogamy but most A's happen because some connection isn't being met by their partner. That doesn't make it right but I treat it as a symptom and not the reason.
Stop pouring gasoline.
Give yourself a time out. You've made your statements to your H 1) he feels your resentment for choosing not to travel after he has left, and 2) you do'n't believe him in regards to the A.
Now, stop engaging with additional texts. Take some time to focus on what your H's truth is - what did he mean by his words, love me like I wanted? I show my H I love him by keeping a clean house and doing all his laundry... I do those things because I love him but he doesn't feel my love by things that I do... he needs physical touch - hand holding, shoulder massage, hugs, etc. In the past how did you and your H communicate love? What is your H's love language? Have you ever read The Five Love Languages?
I'm not discrediting anybody's advice because non of us are experts here but I feel you would be foolish not to investigate your H's feelings from his statement.
I just feel like he is just going to keep going just as things were. He will come over tomorrow on his time, I will leave, I will come back and he will leave, he will go to OW's house, and it will all just continue as it has been. And I am just not ok with it. I cant live everyday knowing he is off with another woman. I feel like I will have to tell him I am going to file. I dont want to. I just cannot keep going everyday like it has been with him just pretending he isnt doing something wrong when I know he is. It is killing me too much.
He seems like he just wants to keep me hooked incase he wants me again one day, and thats just so wrong. Like he isnt completely ready to let go but he doesnt want to work on us either. And I dont think I can stick around in the middle anymore. You guys are obviously stronger than me. If I felt hope, I might be able to wait it out and see if his A fizzles and he comes back, but I dont think I can do that.
Let me know where you guys stand on this, thanks!
You and me both are dealing with this. I haven't filed, I don't want a divorce. That's just the reality. So I am stuck (kinda). But, only file if that is what you want, like Steve said.
B/c maybe it wakes him up, maybe it depresses him, maybe it sends him deeper with the OW, or all of the above plus 100 other things.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
The bottom line KC is we all agree in not engaging and additional texts. The reasons behind that advice is less important. I think her H is more than the typical WAS based on their history and his past actions. But none of that matters as much as the fact that she should be limiting contact, not initiating contact, and concentrate on GAL, detaching, and 180ing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I do agree with a lot of what youve said, but I am not really in a position to show my H love. I know the comment at the doctors office was petty of me, I just have stayed so quiet all along, yesterday was the first time Ive ever really said to him what youre doing is not ok.
But you are right, he is extremely mad at me that Ive made changes now that hes gone. He has told me repeatedly how much this bothers him and hurts his feelings. And I do understand this, but to go and have a relationship with someone else is not okay. He is steadily building something with someone else. So I dont really know what to do in that regard.
I of course want him to know I love him, im here for him, I would do anything for him. But what he is doing with another woman is so wrong, and it is breaking me more and more everyday. He has felt no loss from this. I have been nice all the way through. Somethings gotta give
Ill jump in as well and say I filed for D 6 weeks after I found out about OM, then 10 days later withdrew. Yeah it woke her up for a second but she was ready to move forward because she thought that was what I wanted, which it wasn't. It was a hassle and I lost a lot of respect because she now knew it wasn't what I wanted.
I have gotten much better results DB'ing and as hard as it has been to ignore the A, my WW and OM have had their share of fights so WW does see that the grass is not necessarily greener. Let him go, I highly doubt that the OW is the answer to all his problems and reality will hit them. It stinks it stink it stinks, it is the worst feeling in the world I know. But you have to try to push through, think of things that you have always wanted to do and do them. Not to get your mind off of H but to prepare for what a life would be like if D does happen.
Everyone keeps saying this limbo is a blessing to give you the opportunity to find yourself again while H is there financially and as a father to help with your D. If you file for D you will still have to get to this point and move on with your life with old H still in the picture because of your child.
I have been in this for 5+ months and I will say that any brief conversations initiated by my W and the R have taken small steps in the right direction because I have given her this space and have been GAL and detaching. She sees me moving away slowly and it makes her very uncomfortable.
I'll say it again, it hurts, it hurts bad especially if I try and dwell on it but you have to look forward, stop looking back.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Okay - I'm not saying show your love for your H now...
I'm saying take a step back to see your H's viewpoint. I'm not asking you to engage in a conversation with him about it. I'm asking your to delve deeper into yourself. What is your love language? Are you sure? What is your H's? What in the past made you feel really loved by your H and vice versa? Why would he feel that you weren't showing love they way he needed it??? This is your homework.
Also - anger is good. Of course you feel "why would he be so angry if I'm doing something he wants?" Please refer to earlier paragraph. The fact that he is angry means he notices... it means he still has some investment left.
Don't get me wrong - A is inappropriate for sure. Can you take your H back after an A? IDK? Have you done your homework on that? It sounds like you desperately want your M but have you worked through what that means? That you both will have to deal with this A? For some its a deal breaker... for others it can be forgivable. Where are you on that homework?
Again - I know many on here have a different opinion but you should really look into How to Affair Proof Your Marriage/His Needs, Her Needs. It might help you work through if you want your M after the A. I think your H has been unhappy about somethings in your M for some time...to the point he fooled himself into the grass is greener scenario. I also think your H has true connections with you and even though it feels to you that he out playing with his A and not missing you at all you might be surprised how much he has been trying to reconcile his feelings with you and your M.
Of course like Steve says you still need to GAL and 180 and honestly those should be lifetime endeavors here forth even during recon. I think there is real opportunity to save your M but step away from the center of the boxing ring and go back to your corner for a bit. You need to solidly regroup!!! Continue texting at this point will be nothing but pouring raw heated emotion at the other person when right now a clear head is needed.
I treated my marriage like it was already over......So what I did was work on me. I treated her civilly -- like a co-worker, or a roommate. I was considerate, and polite, and friend-LY, but I was NOT her friend, much less her BEST friend (which we had always been). I lived my life, and I let her know what I would and would not tolerate (like no texting OM in front of me or our kids, for instance). And I moved on down the path.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You may be stronger than me. I have found that the stage of waiting and knowing he is with someone else is near impossible for me. Maybe it is my pride getting in the way. It has been 1 year since BD, we have tried many times to make it work since then and he just has never seemed really fully in it IMO. Something has kept him coming back, but this is the first time ive made him leave that he hasnt come right back. Things with this new OW just feel different to me. He still seems on the fence but nothing is making him take any action. Its all just words to try to keep me hanging on, no action behind it whatsoever.
I am not ready to file so I wont, I just dont know what else to do at this point. And doing nothing feels SO awful. It feels like I am just constantly losing my dignity, knowing he is sleeping in bed with someone else and it is so wrong. I guess in the meantime I just have to keep strong in my boundaries. There is work around the house he has started and has not completed, and the materials just lay in the head of our driveway. Since March. I think it is time for me to tell him to just get all that stuff out of there. Get all of his tools out of there. Really make the house my own inside and out.
I dont know. I felt better yesterday saying what I said because I felt like I finally stuck up for myself and I dont think he expected it and I finally felt like I was showing myself some self respect. But I just already see how hes going to handle it. He is just mad and is trying to flip it on me. I am not saying how he feels isnt valid. He is just angry now and will take my silence as me backing down, as I have each and every time he gets angry like this and I go silent on him. I just almost feel like a 180 for me would be to put my foot down about the things I CAN control and tell him im done tolerating this bullsh*t. I wont be his friend, I wont pretend to be ok with this like I have been.
Im not going to initiate any contact. I keep thinking about what R2C said, woman fall in love with men in their presence, men fall in love with a woman in her absence. I pray thats true. I would love to find a way to not see him at all, but currently that isnt possible. But we do only see one another for about 2 minutes in and out of the house. It just seems like he takes my GAL as me just being ok with all this. I dont know. I know that doesnt change that I have to GAL for myself. I just am SO angry with him right now and hate how everytime i show my anger, instead of accepting responsibility, he has to become angry too.
