SHE was being clingy to them? Who cares? What matters is what is right for the kids. Not her. Everything is about her her her.
W was creating a scene upsetting the kids saying goodbye so I suggested walking into the cafe to get a drink so to calm the kids.
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you were going to look at houses far away and your kids changed your mind as they liked family time?
I looked at houses online near to where I used to live because I feel the need to explore all options about where I might live in the future if I lose the home and kids which seems likely in a D. I've been very close to filing because I feel done but the kids want their home and parents together so I've tried to give it some time as I put them first.
I've been very close to filing because I feel done but the kids want their home and parents together so I've tried to give it some time as I put them first.
David, you have probably thought about it - but what does being close mean? The fact is you haven't. You are looking for excuses not to make a strong decisive move - hoping for a miracle that will mean you don't have to do it.
No child wants their parents to split up. Your situation isn't unique. But children can normally adjust to change i.e. with mum weekdays and dads at weekends for example - the problem here is that your actions are NOT helping the kids. It is NOT putting them first. You have no boundaries and its affecting them. Going for afternoon lunches - and looking warmly at each other the table or whatever happened is playing with their emotions.
What sort of message are you sending to your children dealing with this situation this way?
You are teaching them to stay with someone who makes them unhappy because of the kids. No sane person would because that isn't the correct thing to do.
See, the crux of it is, you think by not filing divorce you are closer to reconciling and keeping your family together, however, your other actions are taking you farther away from that goal.
SHE was being clingy to them? Who cares? What matters is what is right for the kids. Not her. Everything is about her her her.
W was creating a scene upsetting the kids saying goodbye so I suggested walking into the cafe to get a drink so to calm the kids.
Again, I dont see how rewarding that behavior makes sense. What is to stop her from being clingy again next time? Would you do that if your daughter was acting that way? Next time, have plans prepared and tell W you have to go immediately at drop off.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
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you were going to look at houses far away and your kids changed your mind as they liked family time?
I looked at houses online near to where I used to live because I feel the need to explore all options about where I might live in the future if I lose the home and kids which seems likely in a D. I've been very close to filing because I feel done but the kids want their home and parents together so I've tried to give it some time as I put them first.
Knowledge is power. I think it's good to at least know what your options are and to be prepared to make a decision when the time comes. Thats why we all keep pushing you to be contacting lawyers or real estate agents, or bankers to really understand all of the options.
Originally Posted by Benito
You are teaching them to stay with someone who makes them unhappy because of the kids. No sane person would because that isn't the correct thing to do.
Benito, sometimes, I wonder if you have read DR...I dont understand this quote at all. I say by standing, he is teaching his children to honor his commitments. He is teaching them to stand for what they believe in. I think tucking and running just because his W is making him unhappy is kind of the opposite of what MWD writes about.
Ultimately, I think it comes down to your goals, which I still think are fuzzy. I cant tell what you are trying to accomplish, so I think we are all assuming that your goal still includes reconciling with this woman and having a successful marriage in the future. If so, then I wonder what kind of "progress" you are making as some of your actions dont really seem aligned with that....
You are teaching them to stay with someone who makes them unhappy because of the kids. No sane person would because that isn't the correct thing to do.
Benito, sometimes, I wonder if you have read DR...I dont understand this quote at all. I say by standing, he is teaching his children to honor his commitments. He is teaching them to stand for what they believe in. I think tucking and running just because his W is making him unhappy is kind of the opposite of what MWD writes about.
MWD isnt the rebirth of christ.. her work doesnt need to be followed to the word. In certain situations, other people might have more experience or real life experience of what works than she does. She is a women with an ability to sell her opinion..nothing more. Different strokes for different folks.
You dont need to wonder about me; I have read it, implemented it, and we purchase our second home together in a few weeks. So lets say I threw myself into it. And it worked.
This situation has not changed a single bit since it started. Its is the same chasing and desperate reactive behaviour it has been from the start. If someone comes to this board for help but then continues to do the same behaviour that is actually pushing her away - it tells me he knows what to do but is scared about the actual reality of moving away and actually coming to terms that this relationship is over and life is too ridiculously short to be trying to build trust with people who steal from you in your closet circle. If I knew one of my brothers or daughters were in a relationship like that I would not be happy.
A situation where one person is 100% certain the other person is stealing from them but continues to entertain her.
The same person that told us he has been caught out by this someone taking his money and treating him similar in the past.
I personally don't believe that we are getting the full story from David personally. We are told depression was involved - yet he also blames her for contributing to that bizarrely.
But some situations are not worth saving at one particular time because it isnt healthy. He is teaching them to be a door mat. Are you telling me their kids have never picked up on the dynamic in that home? how he is the one in pursuit mode? Of course they do. That isnt a good lesson to teach kids. You want to teach them kids that the commitment to himself as a person is less important than that of the person he is in a unhealthy relationship with?
I personally cant believe that you think that putting that behaviour in front of the your own pride and integrity is a lesson you should be teaching kids.
I've been very close to filing because I feel done but the kids want their home and parents together so I've tried to give it some time as I put them first.
David, you have probably thought about it - but what does being close mean?
I'm starting to get prepared for a worst-case scenario whereby I'd lose the house and kids in a D.
After the meal on Sunday, on Monday I was feeling totally done and wanting to call my solicitor to file but I had the kids with me and I looked at them and couldn't do it.
My solicitor is now doing prep work to be completed this week for the next custody date and then getting back to me about finance. Next week, I plan to ask W if she has sent the financial info (she hasn't done yet) that I requested over a week ago. If she doesn't then my solicitor has already composed a letter formally asking W for financial info for a D but it hasn't been sent yet due to the custody case.
The financial info should reveal what W has done. Perhaps that proof of what W has done might wake her from her BS immature alien fog, and it should show how long I can leave it before filing to protect myself financially.
You are teaching them to stay with someone who makes them unhappy because of the kids. No sane person would because that isn't the correct thing to do.
Benito, sometimes, I wonder if you have read DR...I dont understand this quote at all. I say by standing, he is teaching his children to honor his commitments. He is teaching them to stand for what they believe in. I think tucking and running just because his W is making him unhappy is kind of the opposite of what MWD writes about.
Originally Posted by Benito
You dont need to wonder about me; I have read it, implemented it, and we purchase our second home together in a few weeks. So lets say I threw myself into it. And it worked.
I know. I was there helping you through it. Probably though one of my previous usernames
Originally Posted by Benito
This situation has not changed a single bit since it started. Its is the same chasing and desperate reactive behaviour it has been from the start. If someone comes to this board for help but then continues to do the same behaviour that is actually pushing her away - it tells me he knows what to do but is scared about the actual reality of moving away and actually coming to terms that this relationship is over and life is too ridiculously short to be trying to build trust with people who steal from you in your closet circle. If I knew one of my brothers or daughters were in a relationship like that I would not be happy.
Im confused. I one hundred percent agree with the bolded. I think that David should continue to post and learn and grow. What I dont understand is the latter part and what that has to do with the first part. I never have said that the objective right now should be to build trust or try to repair a relationship with someone that is clearly "out". I said that now is a time to focus on personal growth and focus on being the best man and dad and friend and person he can be. Basically, to take the relationship with W and put it completely to the side. To set appropriate boundaries for what he will accept and what he wont. If the stealing or the lying is enough to make it so that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with her ever again, then, sure, fine, get divorced. i dont think it's any place of ours to judge his desire to want to make the marriage work at some point in the future. I dont think simply running is the only solution, because until he has the skills to enforce boundaries and to GAL and to become AMOAFWL, then it doesnt really matter with which woman he is in a relationship.
Originally Posted by Benito
A situation where one person is 100% certain the other person is stealing from them but continues to entertain her.
The same person that told us he has been caught out by this someone taking his money and treating him similar in the past.
For me, that would possibly be a deal breaker as well. But that isnt my place to project my opinions on what is acceptable or not onto David's life and marriage. For many people a PA is a deal breaker...for others it isnt. I say each person can draw their own line. I believe our job is to help people to define that line and help them enforce it....not to project our own lines onto them.
Originally Posted by Benito
But some situations are not worth saving at one particular time because it isnt healthy. He is teaching them to be a door mat. Are you telling me their kids have never picked up on the dynamic in that home? how he is the one in pursuit mode? Of course they do. That isnt a good lesson to teach kids. You want to teach them kids that the commitment to himself as a person is less important than that of the person he is in a unhealthy relationship with?
Youre right, he is absolutely teaching that. But not because he is sticking around and hoping to save his marriage. It's in not enforcing boundaries, it's in not discussing things like the phone with her, it's in taking her to lunch when she whines about the kids leaving.
David - Im sorry for the hijack. I think we all want you to succeed in whatever your goals are. I know it doesnt do you any good to hear a bunch of different viewpoints. I think that Benito and I certainly agree that you need to figure out what your "line in the sand" is. You need to figure out what behaviors from you you can and what behaviors you cannot accept. And what your response(s) is when she acts in ways that you wont accept. And then you need to stick to those so that they arent moving targets for her. It's not an easy job, but I think it will benefit both you and your kids.
I personally cant believe that you think that putting that behaviour in front of the your own pride and integrity is a lesson you should be teaching kids.
I don't know that anyone is saying that. No one wants that, but isn't that what marriage is about? The commitment to stick it out when it gets hard? A vow that is only kept when it is easy, and not when it is hardest to keep, is no vow at all.
I get your overall point but really don't agree with bailing out on marriage because the person isn't making you happy. Don't we always say around here that you are responsible for your own happiness?
You made some strong points too:
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David, you have probably thought about it - but what does being close mean? The fact is you haven't. You are looking for excuses not to make a strong decisive move - hoping for a miracle that will mean you don't have to do it.
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David, you have probably thought about it - but what does being close mean? The fact is you haven't. You are looking for excuses not to make a strong decisive move - hoping for a miracle that will mean you don't have to do it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
