Unsure what's next, what to do.....

[Wanted1]

I've been reading on this forum quite a bit over the last 10 days.....

Not sure how much information I should provide and a bit hesitant to put this on a public forum but I'm in the last resort/nowhere to turn phase.

One wrinkle to our relationship is we work together. Have ever since graduating (met in grad school and married right after graduation). So, we have essentially been around each other day in and day out since we've been married.

W has had infidelity issues. First one started with one of my best friends from high school after about 2 years of marriage. It lasted quite awhile behind my back. OM's wife found emails between the two of them so we had a confrontation, all of us, and they admitted to it. We live in a very small town, my hometown, so there is always a constant reminder of what took place. Small town settings are very hard - everyone knows everyone and everything it seems. At the time, we had our first D and our second D was about 4 weeks old. I obviously wanted to forgive and move on but at the time (ignorantly now that I look back) I felt like it was none of my doing/fault and that she needed the help.

Moving forward, things were ok I guess I would say. We had our S, built our business, etc. Until this year....

Another wrinkle in my sitch, my wife was sexually abused, along with all of her siblings, by her biological father back when she was 3-4 yrs. old. Her mom and future adoptive father NEVER spoke about what happened, never got the kids counseling, etc. They sort of swept it under the rug and tried to move forward as if things never happened. In March, my W got curious about what all took place and so she received all of the case filing documents and went through them along with case filings of victims of her father's afterwards. He's been incarcerated ever since and she found out he is set to be released sometime this year. Unfortunately, I knew she was looking into this, but I didn't ask her what she found, how she was feeling and she never opened up to me about it either. I can clearly point to communication as the ultimate crux of our problems from Day 1.

In May, while I was away on a trip, I find out that my best friend from college's W found my W and my best friend on the couch doing an act I do not even want to explain. It wasn't sex but was more than kissing. She pleaded with me that she had been retraumatized by her findings about her past and that she doesn't have the control to say No, especially when she's been drinking (which they both admit to being pretty drunk when the incident took place). By the time I got home from the trip it had been a week since this incident took place (happened the first night I was gone) and so I had some time to reflect and decided that I was willing to, once again, forgive her and try to move past it. I felt like this situation was different that the previous and her recollection of what took place was more or less him sort of forcing himself on her. He told me he initiated the contact so I trusted what she told me. She told me she always viewed him as more of a brother. They were pretty close because they both likes to run, workout and the like. I told her I am willing to try to move past this but this is the last time.

Her IC sort of confirmed the retraumatzing effect it had on her and that she's never really been able to associate sex as something other than a secret in her life. She was also sexually abused as teen while on a church retreat/trip.

Over the last couple years, I've tried to be more communicative with her. We both read the 5 Love Languages book a couple years ago and found that mine was physical touch. We have had sex regularly but I wouldn't say it is 'intimate'. She almost never initiates any physical affection or intimacy with me and I'll get frustrated by it until finally I'll confront her and tell her how I feel. Never in an argumentative or 'blow up' type conversation but more from a 'this is what I need to feel loved.' type of a way She will make random attempts after each of these conversations but it eventually falls by the wayside after a few days or week.

That brings us to now. Earlier in Sept she told me it was one of her New Year's Resolutions to hike a mountain in Colorado with her brother and that she wants to do this for "her." I was in favor of it so she went out there on Sept 16, was going to hike it with her Brother on Sept 17 and come home. I received a text from her on Sept 17 that said it the hike took a lot longer than expected, was way harder than she expected but she was probably going to miss her flight that was scheduled to depart later that day. I was sort of 'miffed' but was OK with it. She got home the morning of Sept 18 and it was business as usual until I was on her work computer right after lunch on Sept 19 and found pictures of her and OM on this hike together. There were screen shots of messages between the two of them and a picture of him kissing her on the neck. I flipped out and text her to pack her @#$% and get the hell out of my house. She asked where she was suppose to go and I said "you should have thought about that beforehand."

Needless to say, I caved and allowed her to sleep in the basement that night while we sorted things out. It was a high anxiety and high emotional time for both of us. That next morning I couldn't handle it anymore so I went to see a IC for the very first time in my life. The counselor assured me that her characteristics can absolutely be traced back to what happened to her in her childhood and that reopening all those wounds when she did the research earlier this year only exasperated things. That at least felt somewhat good to hear. Over the next day or 2, we talked about how this was going to work. Remember, we work together and have ever since graduation, so she was going to have to get a different job, etc. We talked about those things, child arrangements moving forward, how assets and debts would be split, etc. She saw her IC the day after I saw mine and both of them told us we shouldn't be "signing" anything yet. Just take the time to calm down before making any rash decisions.

Side note: This OM was a guy that was her brother's friend who we had just met over the 4th of July this year. He stayed at our house night and spent the day with us. First time either of us had met him. After he left, she showed me a message he sent to her about how amazing our kids are and what wonderful parents we are and how he just enjoyed hanging out with our family for the day. I thought it was weird and sort of sleazy and she kind of "intimated" that she felt the same. Clearly, that wasn't the case. Looking back, I think what a freaking low-life POS to do that BS.

She explained to me that she had every intention of doing the hike with her brother but when she told the OM she was going to do it he suggested he come along. She then told her brother at the last minute that she felt like she needed to do it alone because her IC told her she needs to focus on her strengths.

In the 10 days or so since all of this, I've seen my IC twice and she's seen hers once. She says in her session after the incidence took place that they still mostly talked about her childhood events and haven't really delved into our M and those issues. She has another session scheduled for this Friday.

I have since prayed hard about this and am willing to try to work out our problems in a healthy manner -- getting MC, IC for the both of us, etc since we've never done that in the past. We've sort of just tried to moved past the incidents on our own and I have been too ignorant to realize that we both need help. She, needless to say, was not sharing with me her thoughts about any of this. Her excuse was "I need to see my IC one more time before I can talk with you about what to do." I finally got her to open up a tiny bit this last Sunday night that she is still leaning towards walking away.

I for the life of me do not understand why she wouldn't want to at least try to work on our M? I feel like I should be the one that is hesitant, not her. I know my sitch is only about 2 weeks along, but I've been trying to become a better version of myself. I've been working out, going to daily mass when I can, etc. I've told her numerous times that I am now in a place or have been awakened to the fact that I probably wasn't there for her emotionally in the beginning stages of our marriage and that is why she turned to my friends and became close with them, I told her I now emphasize with what went on in her childhood and how that screws a person up. I told her know I need to change but also that she needs to change and that our communication issues compounded the problems of her own personal demons she's going to have to work through. She hears it but is pretty much non-responsive. I finally, after about a week of sharing my thoughts and feelings and telling her we CAN work through this, decided to try the DB method. I've been pretty much silent and not reaching out to her unless in absolute necessity re: work, kids, etc. She has come to me with random questions about surface level stuff in the past 2 days but I'm going to continue my DB methods and see where that gets me. Clearly me sharing my thoughts and feelings without anything back didn't work so I might as well try this.

I just don't know if I need to treat her as a WW or a WAS given she has those demons from her childhood in her. At one point she said "I just I hurt everyone I'm around or close to and I'm tired of hurting you constantly." When she told me on Sunday night that she was leaning towards leaving she told me that "God has been present through all of this and that he is speaking to her to go in that direction." I'm not going to argue with her, but since we are both pretty strong Catholics, I think if she stepped away to assess what she said, she would know that God probably wouldn't be telling you to leave if things are able to be worked out. I told her the ironic thing about this is I was planning on talking with her the night I found the evidence and suggest we need to do some MC or something to get us back on track. Too late to the party on my part I guess.

The fact that she won't at least express to me any desire to at least try to work things out is the main struggle for me right now. She did agree to "start with" one MC session and that counseling "is a must" and she stated those things probably a week ago. I also have told her I want to go to Retrouvaille as well but she didn't respond to that.

Any pointers or insight would be greatly appreciated and I can try share more if asked/needed.