I am in a world of hurt. I have been married for 38 years to a wonderful man. We have two grown children. Here is the thing--I am pretty conflict avoidant, and he can get angry, which causes me to withdraw completely. This has been going on for the last two years. I mistakenly thought that if I withdrew, he wouldn't have the opportunity to be angry, which feels like it is about everything. His main complaint is that I hide behind the computer, working at home, which of course just makes him even more angry. So, this is definitely my doing.
This summer, I discovered that he has a "friend" who he made out with, while on a trip out of state. She is married, and they text and talk on the phone every day. She has sent packages of goodies to us for our grandsons. I am hurt beyond belief, and don't know if our marriage will recover. My husband says that the make-out session was a mistake, that they did not have sex, and that I have nothing to worry about with her--that the problem is between he and I. He states that he no longer loves me romantically as a result of being emotionally abandoned by me, but is willing to wait to see if the feeling returns (if it ever does). I know that I am responsible for the bulk of this, and I am beside myself that I have hurt the person that I love the most. I am really feeling worthless.
Can anyone help? I am not sure that there is much reason to go on, since I have pretty much ruined my life.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
this is not all your fault. I'm sure you can provide more details as well, but don't blame yourself. 38 years of marriage is great. You obviously did something right and can provide us with great advice too.
Avoiding conflict is obviously not the best thing to do. It's how we address our differences that really matters. That doesn't justify him cheating. Worse even, there is very clearly an emotional affair (EA) and who knows if there has been more.
It sounds like he is looking for some 'Words of Affirmation' or 'Quality Time' with you when he is angry and venting. Michele has a scenario like this in Divorce Remedy, and the wife ended up listening, validating, and then jumping on the her husband's "side" of the argument, almost more passionately than her husband. That may be a good 180 for you.
You are not worthless. You are a human being with real thoughts and emotions. Your husband is not without blame too. What he did and is doing with the other woman (OM) is just plain wrong. All those times he was talking to her, he should have been talking to you.
Continue to read other threads and post in yours, more details would be great.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
My husband says that the make-out session was a mistake, that they did not have sex, and that I have nothing to worry about with her--that the problem is between he and I. He states that he no longer loves me romantically as a result of being emotionally abandoned by me, but is willing to wait to see if the feeling returns (if it ever does).
What he is saying is this: OW is not ready to leave her husband and commit to your husband, therefore he wants you to wait in the wings as plan B until Plan A solidifies.
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I know that I am responsible for the bulk of this, and I am beside myself that I have hurt the person that I love the most. I am really feeling worthless.
This is hogwash. In what universe does someone retreating from someone else irrational anger give the angry one a right to go start an emotional connection with someone else, and make out with them (IF that is all that they have done).
You aren't perfect. You've made mistakes. But nothing justifies cheating. NOTHING. (Short of physical abuse.)
So read cadet's response, do all of that homework. And then continue to provide details and context of your sitch.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Let me just say this...you have not ruined your life. If you are working from home and using a computer, I don't consider that hiding behind a computer...you are making a living. His comment about this is nothing more than a bunch of BS and an excuse for what he's doing.
Your h is looking for any excuse to brow beat you down and make you feel guilty for whatever he says or does. Your h is the only one who is responsible for making himself happy...that's not your job.
As for the ow, she's been in the picture quite some time and that could explain all of his behavior and comments. I want you to know that you are not alone...we all have been down this road and some are just starting out. Do not allow this man's behavior and comments get to you. Continue as you have been and know that you are the prize and you can hold your head up high because you are still honoring your vows. Can't say the same about your h. Please, please do not react to his comments...they are just poor excuses for bad behavior.
Come back here and post, i.e., vent, ask questions, etc....but thinking about possible suicide is not the answer for anyone. There is always a solution to every problem...we just have to be patient and find the solution.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I should have added "whiplash" to this title. My husband is so back and forth right now. Last week he asked for a divorce. This week he wants to work on the marriage and hopes that we can go to counseling together. A lot of this was precipitated by my discovery that he paid to have OW fly out out to our state, and planned to stay in a hotel with her while scheduled for a vocational training. Ultimately, that didn't happen (I hope!) I have read Michelle's books and, while not perfect, I have successfully (temporarily) employed the 180. After finishing the book, I have to say that I believe that my husband is in the throes of a MLC--I hope that I have the patience to do this.
Sorry you are here Banjohe. Take your time to read Cadet’s first post. Then all the rest. You need to give your life the value that it has. Positive attitude.
Today was a very lonely day, with a lot of emotional pain. I really never had much self-worth to begin with, so simply saying GAL doesn't do much for me. What tips can you give me? I also find myself wishing that someone would simply hold me so that I would not feel so alone.
