I hear you loud and clear about using others to fill a void in our lives, and I agree to an extent. However, I do question how it is that different from going out and GALing by building new friendships and extending our social circles. Getting out and meeting people while climbing, deepening the friendships I have with the people I bike with - these things have help kept me sane and feel more and more normal. Am I simply using them? Am I building those relationships at least in part to fill a social void in my life - without a doubt, yes. Is that wrong? I don't know. I'd like to think that I am offering as much as I am taking.
That's a really good point and thanks for adding more nuance to this issue. I think in friendships the boundaries and rules are pretty clear. And when we rely on the or build upon them, I agree with you that there is a give and take to the matter. I don't think it's using a friend, unless you're just constantly negatively dumping on them and they feel they're not getting much out of the friendship for them. All these relationships require balancing and nurturing. You spend time with your friends and doing activities to heal and move forward, and even if it's to fill a void for the time being, you know that you can give back in that type of relationship at some point. There is absolutely something like using a friend for their support and unless there's some reciprocity, it's not going to last, or actually damage that friendship. We've all had friends who are takers and co-dependent on us and that feels terrible as we're not getting anything else out of that friendship for ourselves. It can also be toxic.
The romantic aspect is slightly different IMHO. Here the boundaries have shifted and that there is potential for more than just a friendship. And when you enter into a date, you enter with that possibility open. Now if you're not ready for that, then you're absolutely using up that other person's good faith and goodwill. I just don't want to be in a place to do that. I want to go into these things with good faith and hoping that other person also is doing so out of good faith.
And again, bring it down to your values. Mine are: being kind; being authentic; being assertive; having healthy boundaries; being patient and exercise empathy; giving and receiving respect; not being controlling.
If I was to engage in dating, it would have to hit some of my values. If it doesn't, I am not ready. So, bring it to the core about who you are and what you want and what you want to give to the world. If it doesn't align to that, then it's not working. For example, I believe that when I get out into the dating world, I am most likely going to want to have some sexual encounters rather than a relationship or companionship. I am going to be pretty transparent about that and so I know that I am operating through my value of authenticity and transparency.
Bring it all back to you and you'll know the answers.
