Re: OK here goes first post... pt 4

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I've probably done everything wrong today... did the kids exchange which is now in a public place. W looked very tried, older and made no effort to look nice. W said that she'd given youngest kid a phone. I said that she had told youngest that we would both discuss it beforehand. W denied that conversation and then she twisted it. I said that it was typical of her to be dishonest, rewrite and twist everything.

One of the kids was upset being passed between us. I suggested going to a cafe to do it and W agreed.

So you and W had a conversation about a phone, she went against her word in that discussion, and you reward her behavior by going out to lunch together? I dont really understand? Do you think the kids are more upset by the simple act of the handoff or by the inconsistency the two of you are showing such that they dont know what to expect? If your relationship is strained enough that you need to meet in public, then I feel like spending a "family afternoon" together is silly.

I said to W it was starting to have a bad impact upon the kids and this was her choice.

I dont understand this? Are you saying the breakdown of your marriage is all her fault? Sure, she is the one that is pushing for separation now, but what about the issues that you had before the start of that? I went back and read some of your earlier posts, and I guess you dont really get into your side of the street. You paint a very "good vs evil" picture of you vs your wife. What about you? You say you are "better" now, but what kinds of things have you worked at? How would your R be different?

Basically, blaming her is a waste of your breath. It isnt going to make her attracted to you or the idea of being with you. So what is your goal in saying this? It just comes across as passive-aggressive.

I then suggested that we went to a restaurant and W agreed.

Again, why? You seem very inconsistent here. You are angry at her for being dishonest. You say this whole thing is her fault.....and then you ask her out to lunch?! What are your boundaries? What kinds of things are important to you in a partner?

W denies taking money despite me saying that I have the evidence. I had mentioned it in a humorous way when it was time to pay the bill.

So...shes still lying right to your face....and yet you are treating her to lunch? I just.....dont understand.

I said that she used to be lovely and that I now felt sorry for her as I thought she was better than what she has been doing.

What was your goal in saying this? It just comes off as rude. So Im trying to see why someone would say that to any person....let alone someone he was trying to attract.

I said that I tried to understand what she is going through and I had looked on the internet to search for rewriting martial history and a lot of it made sense and that what she is going through is a known predicatable thing.

I dont think it's your place or job to 'diagnose' her. Im not sure what the goal/benefit is.

I said I just had to get some things off my chest

AH. Now it all makes sense. The proverbial "say some things" strategy. Sandi asks a question often that really resonates with me. Would you rather be right or married? To me, all of the things you said set you back if your goal is to recreate your family. If you just want to have said things to be seen as "right" or "good" or whatever, then I think you succeeded in that.

I guess there was some progress

I....dont think the progress was towards reconciling...

There's no chance of R whilst she is still in that cunning, truth bending, alien state of mind that is a long way below the person I thought she used to be.

You say this like it's your choice at the moment. But, What makes you think she's at all interested in that right now? Why are you focused on that? And again, if that IS Your goal, then I dont think this outing was progress towards it...