Re: OK here goes first post... pt 4

[Benito]

I said to W it was starting to have a bad impact upon the kids and this was her choice.

I said I realise that she is probably too afraid to discus her point of view

I said that she used to be lovely and that I now felt sorry for her as I thought she was better than what she has been doing

Please Please Please.. tell me you didn't say those things.. that is one of the worst thing you could of done.

The only person you are fooling is yourself here. You do things that are completely wrong and then try and justify them because it suits your narrative. You are adding to much pressure and come across very desperate.

If you were fearless about losing W as you claim - then you wouldnt be saying to her what you are saying - you are completely contradicting yourself. Say one thing - then act the complete opposite.

You are not an expert in this - otherwise you would be in this situation. What is the point in coming here for people to advise you - and then you do the opposite because you feel desperate and scared?

[DavidUK]

My dilemma is whether to:

A) Give it more time because I want my kids to have a complete family with their proper parents. I've started to feel a bit impatient because the split is starting to have a bad impact upon them. A risk is that I may lose out financially if I wait too long and then W files for D.

B) D W and start a new life possibly far away.

[Benito]

A family starts with a healthy relationship between husband and wife.

You don’t have that because she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

You constantly talk about how you would be willing to work at it, while ignoring the fact that if someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you then its over. No amount of work you do will change that. Relationships end all the time. People change. You keep looking at it as a package i.e family, home, kids… its all IRRELEVANT if one partner wants out. Which she does. You need to understand that and move on. You say you do, but then speak about giving her more time - as if she is going to wake up one morning and change her mind. It’s a fantasy. Its not happening.

There is no dilemma. The only dilemma is you thinking you can change things.

Take control of your life and stop basing your decisions on her because you are desperate to keep your family together. That family unit is gone unfortunately for you, because she doesn’t want to be a family with you. Its harsh but that simple. Accept it and do what you were advised to do months ago.

[MoveFrwd]

I've probably done everything wrong today... did the kids exchange which is now in a public place. W looked very tried, older and made no effort to look nice. W said that she'd given youngest kid a phone. I said that she had told youngest that we would both discuss it beforehand. W denied that conversation and then she twisted it. I said that it was typical of her to be dishonest, rewrite and twist everything.

One of the kids was upset being passed between us. I suggested going to a cafe to do it and W agreed.

So you and W had a conversation about a phone, she went against her word in that discussion, and you reward her behavior by going out to lunch together? I dont really understand? Do you think the kids are more upset by the simple act of the handoff or by the inconsistency the two of you are showing such that they dont know what to expect? If your relationship is strained enough that you need to meet in public, then I feel like spending a "family afternoon" together is silly.

I said to W it was starting to have a bad impact upon the kids and this was her choice.

I dont understand this? Are you saying the breakdown of your marriage is all her fault? Sure, she is the one that is pushing for separation now, but what about the issues that you had before the start of that? I went back and read some of your earlier posts, and I guess you dont really get into your side of the street. You paint a very "good vs evil" picture of you vs your wife. What about you? You say you are "better" now, but what kinds of things have you worked at? How would your R be different?

Basically, blaming her is a waste of your breath. It isnt going to make her attracted to you or the idea of being with you. So what is your goal in saying this? It just comes across as passive-aggressive.

I then suggested that we went to a restaurant and W agreed.

Again, why? You seem very inconsistent here. You are angry at her for being dishonest. You say this whole thing is her fault.....and then you ask her out to lunch?! What are your boundaries? What kinds of things are important to you in a partner?

W denies taking money despite me saying that I have the evidence. I had mentioned it in a humorous way when it was time to pay the bill.

So...shes still lying right to your face....and yet you are treating her to lunch? I just.....dont understand.

I said that she used to be lovely and that I now felt sorry for her as I thought she was better than what she has been doing.

What was your goal in saying this? It just comes off as rude. So Im trying to see why someone would say that to any person....let alone someone he was trying to attract.

I said that I tried to understand what she is going through and I had looked on the internet to search for rewriting martial history and a lot of it made sense and that what she is going through is a known predicatable thing.

I dont think it's your place or job to 'diagnose' her. Im not sure what the goal/benefit is.

I said I just had to get some things off my chest

AH. Now it all makes sense. The proverbial "say some things" strategy. Sandi asks a question often that really resonates with me. Would you rather be right or married? To me, all of the things you said set you back if your goal is to recreate your family. If you just want to have said things to be seen as "right" or "good" or whatever, then I think you succeeded in that.

I guess there was some progress

I....dont think the progress was towards reconciling...

There's no chance of R whilst she is still in that cunning, truth bending, alien state of mind that is a long way below the person I thought she used to be.

You say this like it's your choice at the moment. But, What makes you think she's at all interested in that right now? Why are you focused on that? And again, if that IS Your goal, then I dont think this outing was progress towards it...

[Ginger1]

^^^^^ great post up there.

You are completely inconsistent. She tries to screw you over and you ask her out to lunch? You really just look more like a doormat who only reacts to her actions instead of getting some self respect and keeping boundaries for yourself.

This kind of action will only bring you farther away from your goal and stuck wherever your W wants you at that moment.

Also, I do think the inconcsistency is what is the main thing that is hard on your children. They are probably so confused as to what is going on with you two.

Time to make some boundaires and stick to them and display some more consistency rather than reacting your wife's moves.

[DavidUK]

but then speak about giving her more time - as if she is going to wake up one morning and change her mind. It’s a fantasy. Its not happening.

Lots of people get back together. A relative of mine was apart from her husband for 12 years but got back together again... but of course lots of people don't...

There is no dilemma. The only dilemma is you thinking you can change things.

The dilemma is what I decide to do. I was done with it a couple of days ago and ready to file and searched for houses a long way away but then my kids gave me lovely hugs, said they enjoyed our meal with W, and said they wanted our family together again.

W is distraught missing them so much when they are with me. W is an intelligent woman but her behaviour is all over the place. Maybe one day she will recover and realise her mistakes, or maybe not.

[Davide]

Lots of people get back together. A relative of mine was apart from her husband for 12 years but got back together again... but of course lots of people don't...

Do you really want to spend the next 12 years waiting for her to change her mind?

The point is that you need to get on with your own life as if she is gone and never coming back, because she is gone. What you want, or unfortunately even what your kids want, is irrelevant.

The sooner you let her go, the sooner you can start to heal.

[Ginger1]

[quote=DavidUK


The dilemma is what I decide to do. I was done with it a couple of days ago and ready to file and searched for houses a long way away but then my kids gave me lovely hugs, said they enjoyed our meal with W, and said they wanted our family together again.

W is distraught missing them so much when they are with me. W is an intelligent woman but her behaviour is all over the place. Maybe one day she will recover and realise her mistakes, or maybe not.
[/quote]

This is why your kids are having such a hard time. Because that is not your reality right now, and when your family time is over, it goes back to their reality.

You guys need to be living what your actual reality is right now. And that is your W not recommitting to the marriage and you are feeding her cake.

[DavidUK]

I thought it better going to the cafe for a drink to do the swap-over as W was being extremely clingy to them. W agreed. W bought the drinks. The kids wanted us all to go somewhere miles away. W said no, and then she suggested going elsewhere nearby for a meal. She didn't order anything for herself so I paid for the kids and I. That would have been a 180 because W had been paying most when gong out (prob due to her guilt at taking and hiding money).

"Are you saying the breakdown of your marriage is all her fault? Sure, she is the one that is pushing for separation now, but what about the issues that you had before the start of that?"

I'm out of depression (some was caused by her behaviour) looking after myself much better, feeling better about myself, getting out and doing more things, I'm very independant etc. much like when we first met.

About the finance, I joked about something she wouldn't have realised that I knew. It's one less thing for her to be afraid to admit to me. She now knows that I know about that.

About the kids, W and I are to go on a course (but not at the same time) to learn about the impact of S upon kids. It is something I asked to be added to the court order.

[Benito]

So you were going to look at houses far away and your kids changed your mind as they liked family time?

This constant chopping and changing is so unfair to the kids. You do realise when you spend time together they will think you are getting back together dont you? Especially as you claim she looked at you different, was warmer etc..

None of the way you are dealing with this is helping them. As others here have said thats the sad part what you are putting them through without realising it