Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[Davide]

Ballast,

For sure, I know that for me at least, dating is about my own readiness more than anything else. No one can tell me when that is, but it is helpful to hear opinions and experiences from those that have been there.

In terms of needing self-reflection and growth, I think that was a major need for me. Obviously my W has her own issues and more than anything else it is her actions that led to my sitch. However, like a lot (maybe most?) people here I was not in a good place emotionally. I was codependent and not nearly self-sufficient enough. I relied far too much on my W to fill my emotional needs and provide me happiness. I think that I have been pretty upfront and honest about that here, and more importantly with myself, since I started BDing. That is something that I am working on and plan on working on probably for the rest of my life.

The thing is for me right now it feels natural to reach out and start exploring in a way that doesn't have any expectations. To put myself out there and meet new people. That feels right, but I am hesitant because I know I have blind spots.

Maika,

Good to hear from you again! I feel like you and certain others are like wise older Jedi's who appear suddenly to help me and others to find our internal "force."

I hear you loud and clear about using others to fill a void in our lives, and I agree to an extent. However, I do question how it is that different from going out and GALing by building new friendships and extending our social circles. Getting out and meeting people while climbing, deepening the friendships I have with the people I bike with - these things have help kept me sane and feel more and more normal. Am I simply using them? Am I building those relationships at least in part to fill a social void in my life - without a doubt, yes. Is that wrong? I don't know. I'd like to think that I am offering as much as I am taking.

A question that I ask myself every day when I am dealing with things at work, in life, or in communications with W - How do I manage this so that it aligns with my own values? This completely stops me from being reactive and I listen to my inner voice and find the answer. Just asking myself that question allows me to respond in a way that I am comfortable with because it come from my value system.

This is absolutely great advice. I am trying to live up to that standard as much as I can. I have tried to apply it to my classes at school which are extremely stressful and hard not to be reactive in. I don't always succeed, but I am improving. In terms of relationships I value honesty, open communication and am trying to practice that. I can see that emotional stability, equilibrium as you put it, is important as well. I need to take care of my own emotional baggage and not rely on anyone else, and I need to see that in the other person as well. I feel like I am getting there, but I don't know how far along I need to be.

Obviously I will be making all decisions based on what I feel is right for me, but hearing the data and the perspectives from so many people here is invaluable.

Thanks to all for reaching out.