Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this.

[ovrrnbw]

That is fine to have that as a goal. DB'ing is probably your best chance of saving the marriage.

If you don't want to accept that you "sometimes" save it and "sometimes" don't, you're just delusional.

There is no magic potion. It takes two people for the R to work, and you only get to control yourself. You aren't beyond saving it either, so relax. You are in panic mode, I get that. Now you need to try to think rationally and get a hold of yourself, for your marriage's sake if you won't do it for yourself.