Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[Davide]

Vapo,

There's the 2x4 I was awaiting! If I weren't ready for it, it would have stung a good bit as that is some harsh language. "Wrecking havoc on another human being" "false promises" "broken attracts broken." Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I agree that I definitely need to keep working on myself and getting myself into a better place for me. I just wonder. Isn't that the work of a lifetime? Isn't that something that all of us need to do constantly in order to keep growing? It just makes me think that there will never be a single point in my life where I think to myself "Hey, I'm in good shape now. I'm ready to date," and waiting for that moment might become counterproductive. All of us are fundamentally flawed, imperfect beings even at our best. You still may very well be right that I'm not there yet. I can certainly see where my desire to move towards a new and different future could cloud my vision and make it harder to clearly see my own state.

Do you really think that someone in this situation is only capable of "false promises" and "wrecking havoc on another human being?" I am trying to approach this, as well as most everything else, from a place of honesty and openness. I certainly would hope not to ever make false promises. I suppose the counter to that is that I am lying to myself and therefore can't be honest with anyone else.

As to your last point, I really don't feel that way at all. I know some posters here have been open about missing the sexual element. Since BD I have lost almost all sexual desire. Dating is not appealing in order to get physical satisfaction, it is more about taking the steps to imagine a new future. Obviously in a future R there would be intimacy and sexuality involved, but that doesn't drive my thinking.

The loneliness factor is more relevant. I have become much more comfortable in my own skin over the previous months. Spending 2 months driving across the country, mainly in a car by myself was a sort of crash-course in learning to sit with myself and be okay with it. Meditation has also helped me get in a better headspace where I can be mindful, present, and happy in the moment. All of that is to say that I feel as if I have made significant progress in not feeling lonely when I am alone, but still there are many moments I would prefer to be able to share.

I remember a decade ago, before I was married I had just broken up with a girlfriend and was living in a foreign country where I had very few friends. I was training pretty seriously at the time and ran a half-marathon. It was the race of my life, conditions were perfect, I was in great shape, and mentally I attacked it just perfectly - settling in just under the red line and barely holding it to the finish. I used up every ounce of my energy and was rewarded with an amazing time (by my standards). Afterwards, I remember being saddened by the fact that I had no one to share my joy with, I was so happy but had no one to talk to about it. It wasn't exactly loneliness, but as humans we have a natural instinct to share our stories. We are social creatures.

In any case, Vapo thanks for making me think. I appreciate your time and perspective.