Davide, that's another eloquently written post. I find that moving past the emotional response and trying to avoid the bitterness is a major challenge. I think it's much easier to care less for someone who moves on right away to a new relationship but for those who stay single or married-on-paper while otherwise single it's extraordinarily difficult to view your spouse as doing what's best for them, with no regard to your wellbeing, without an emotional response.
Davide, very well written. Do you teach Literature btw, lol. I am in the same boat as you, there is no need to discuss the sitch anymore, no amount of talking or hashing the details is going to change the outcome. We are better off using the time to talk about the other wonderful things in life. And the beauty of having friends and family is that they are available to hear us out yet again whenever we feel like it, right. Great to see how you are moving forward and building an amazing life for yourself. I still vividly remember the times when you were on your summer trips and how I wished I could just get out and take a break from my sitch. Eventually we all move towards healing, one way or the other. Stay strong
For those of you more early on in your sitch, I want to say that GAL activities have been the key to whatever progress I have made. They have been so crucial in establishing my own life, apart from the MR, and breaking free of the codependency that I suffered. At first I was doing them while still constantly thinking about the W and the MR, but I forced myself to keep doing them anyway. Now, my thoughts will occasionally wander back to the sitch, but it is no longer the default state. Being active, being around friends, being in nature, sharing good food and conversation - those are the things that fill me up. Reclaim your own life, your own sense of self by going out in the world and being active and engaging with it.
Yes, very well said! GAL is so important, it can't be stressed enough. It's the hardest thing any of us have ever done at first, to make yourself leave when you just want to roll into a ball and rock in the corner while weeping. I read people here making all these excuses about why they can't GAL and I just think "oh yeah, I remember telling myself those things too." I would tell myself all of that, and then make myself go out and GAL anyway. Hated it at first, then was ambivalent about it, then started enjoying it, then embraced it. It truly is the path to recovery!
My parents flew into town for the weekend. I am sure they were a bit concerned about me since they know about the sitch and I wasn't in a great place when I visited them this summer. However, I am in much better shape now. I thoroughly cleaned up the house, washed the car, and otherwise got everything ready to show them that I am not falling apart.
It was good to have people in the house. I've been alone with the dog basically the entire last two months, a couple of friends have only popped by once, otherwise it has been completely solitary. The dog was thrilled to have more company! We went out to eat together, antique hunted (not my idea) in a small town nearby, we spent way too much time getting me a new cell phone. They also helped with my redecoration of the house - getting frames and hanging up a lot of the photography from my summer trip. It was a nice break from the norm, even if by the end I was itching to be more physically active, and I left them for a few hours to go to the gym. I'll see them again in a month at a cousin's wedding.
On Sunday as I rode to the gym I happened to run into/ see the W. She must have just gotten back into town, and she was out on a bike with the OM, watching a little mini-concert in the street. That stung a bit as it was the first time that I have run into them together. I literally just glanced them out of the side of my eye as I was passing down the street, but it definitely stirred up some emotions - resentment, rejection. She is getting on with her life, which I already knew. I guess having the visual is something I didn't really want. That said, I got to the gym and started climbing with some folks there and it completely left my mind until I was done and heading home again. Looking back I am happily surprised that I was able to enjoy my workout as much as I did. I think that this being my first exposure it will be the hardest one, and that I will get more used to it as it goes along.
Also, I am still waffling on the dating. I had signed up for some OLD sites and been perusing them for a while, but I never paid any money so there was no follow-up or conversation or anything. With my new phone I put on a different site in which women contact men, and I got involved in my first conversation yesterday (prior to the run-in with the W.) It was unexpected and most likely won't lead anywhere, but it still felt like a step. I am happy to be talking to someone new and there are no expectations so that is good. It also feels like another step towards building my own life and dropping the rope further. At the same time I don't want to lie or hurt anyone so I am hesitant and cautious. I want to say that I am ambivalent but I did engage in conversation when contacted, so I did move towards it myself.
I'd love to hear any thoughts on my reaction to seeing W and OM and/or the dating question. It was really hard not to bring either of those things up with my parents, but they don't know about OM and I was comfortable asking them about the dating either.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide, short and sweet...totally natural to feel what you felt seeing W and OM. while that for sure hurt, now that you have seen that, really what more can she do to hurt you? might not sound right, BUT i found W's actions did the most to move me forward on my healing path. did you deserve to be let go, NO..did you stand for your MR, YES...if she has moved on and you are a high value man, how long will you have to look in the mirror until you say enough is enough?
as for the dating...again your words on your feelings about getting into it show high moral values and respect for others. as long as you approach it from a place of non-malice, why not enjoy it? i would wager that even if it doesn't lead to anything, the attention from another, the thought of possibilities in the future...good stuff towards making huge strides forward i'd imagine.
live for you, breathe deeply in the thoughts of new possibilities.
You are not nearly ready to date. You have a lot more of healing/growing to do and entangling yourself emotionally will only complicate things further for you. You are still broken, make no mistake about it. And broken attracts broken. Do you really want to be responsible for wrecking havoc on another human being, with false promises? So put the dating thing on the back burner. I understand you, you want to feel like a man again, you want to feel warm soft skin against you, you want to be desired sexually again. You might get laid, but the horrible feeling of loneliness will not go away.
I get your reaction to seeing her. I have been through all of those emotions too, seeing pictures and reading search histories of my WW that crushed me. But, they didn't crush me. I got stronger, and now, stuff like that is more like water off the duck's back. You are a better DB'er than me, and our situations started around the same time. Going to the gym and being able to be in the moment there was a sign of how far you have come. So I think you're doing great.
I don't know what your opinions are on dating while married. I think the whole "married, but separated" thing is a total crock of [censored]. You're married, you made a commitment for life - to forsake all others. But but but, aahhhhh, yessss, there's an asterisk. IF we are separated then the vows don't matter. Oh, great, now I feel better....*puke*.
My point is, for me, I see this behavior as disgusting and immoral. I have done enough stupid crap that caused my marriage to fail, I don't need to do any more. And if I did the dating or sleeping around thing, I'm just validating that behavior as OK under the right circumstances. You may have a different opinion on separation and marriage and divorce. I wish I could just file for divorce and drop the bomb on her, and maybe you do too. But that's a game, and I don't know if it would get us anywhere.
I think you need to be divorced before dating someone else. Just my opinion. And right now, it would likely be more of a distraction than a real thing. A lot of people "get over" and ex by just getting a new person, but I don't know how healthy that is.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Davide, its great that you got to spend time with your family. What I realize is the parent- children love is truly unconditional, no matter what our parents only want what is best for us and I understand that better now because of how I feel about my own children. Seeing WW with OM for the first time is the worst pain imaginable, I am sorry. But I am amazed of how well you handled it, you should be proud buddy. Thinking that she is happy and moving on is mind reading, you dont know that and you dont need to either. When we truly learn to forgive and detach may be we will just wish them well and move on but for now it is okay to not think about it even. Also it might hit you bad a few days later when your mind analyzes and it sinks in so just be prepared. You are doing so well, you have your whole beautiful life ahead of you, cherish it one day at a time.
There's the 2x4 I was awaiting! If I weren't ready for it, it would have stung a good bit as that is some harsh language. "Wrecking havoc on another human being" "false promises" "broken attracts broken." Thank you for taking the time to respond.
I agree that I definitely need to keep working on myself and getting myself into a better place for me. I just wonder. Isn't that the work of a lifetime? Isn't that something that all of us need to do constantly in order to keep growing? It just makes me think that there will never be a single point in my life where I think to myself "Hey, I'm in good shape now. I'm ready to date," and waiting for that moment might become counterproductive. All of us are fundamentally flawed, imperfect beings even at our best. You still may very well be right that I'm not there yet. I can certainly see where my desire to move towards a new and different future could cloud my vision and make it harder to clearly see my own state.
Do you really think that someone in this situation is only capable of "false promises" and "wrecking havoc on another human being?" I am trying to approach this, as well as most everything else, from a place of honesty and openness. I certainly would hope not to ever make false promises. I suppose the counter to that is that I am lying to myself and therefore can't be honest with anyone else.
As to your last point, I really don't feel that way at all. I know some posters here have been open about missing the sexual element. Since BD I have lost almost all sexual desire. Dating is not appealing in order to get physical satisfaction, it is more about taking the steps to imagine a new future. Obviously in a future R there would be intimacy and sexuality involved, but that doesn't drive my thinking.
The loneliness factor is more relevant. I have become much more comfortable in my own skin over the previous months. Spending 2 months driving across the country, mainly in a car by myself was a sort of crash-course in learning to sit with myself and be okay with it. Meditation has also helped me get in a better headspace where I can be mindful, present, and happy in the moment. All of that is to say that I feel as if I have made significant progress in not feeling lonely when I am alone, but still there are many moments I would prefer to be able to share.
I remember a decade ago, before I was married I had just broken up with a girlfriend and was living in a foreign country where I had very few friends. I was training pretty seriously at the time and ran a half-marathon. It was the race of my life, conditions were perfect, I was in great shape, and mentally I attacked it just perfectly - settling in just under the red line and barely holding it to the finish. I used up every ounce of my energy and was rewarded with an amazing time (by my standards). Afterwards, I remember being saddened by the fact that I had no one to share my joy with, I was so happy but had no one to talk to about it. It wasn't exactly loneliness, but as humans we have a natural instinct to share our stories. We are social creatures.
In any case, Vapo thanks for making me think. I appreciate your time and perspective.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
