I think its actually a good sign of healing that things feel like they were a lifetime away!
Hopefully. It's such a strange experience, the whole thing. I can't seem to find the right words to describe it. Maybe double edged? While it totally broke me, it also made me. But it all feels finely balanced, on a knife edge. Depending on my state of mind, chance or random things that might happen during the course of a day, the time of year etc, it can feel more like it broke me some days. And then some days it feels like it made me.
Originally Posted by JujuB
But i do remember he could not handle discomfort of any type. He needed instant gratification.
Yes to this. XH hated emotional discomfort in particular (his or other people's). And he really couldn't talk about his feelings - even his closest friends said so. He'd be practically writhing in discomfort with them if things came up. With me he just stonewalled me (I now have a word for what he did to me for many, many years. I didn't understand it at the time). There was no dialogue there, no listening, taking on board and mulling things over, maybe talking about them at a later date. Just stonewalling on his part.
Feelings (especially about major life events, like grief or loss) change with the passing of time. Sometimes the changes are subtle and gradual, sometimes not. How could I have talked to him about any of this when he was so uncomfortable and I felt like he gave nothing back? I'm talking about any of the normal life stuff that happens to people, in the course of a lifetime, as well as the stuff I had to deal with about my dad.
I know the feeling of someone that just listens, does not judge, but is by your side and is on your side. I've had that experience, so I know what that feels like.
Looking back, it didn't feel like he was a companion to me. It felt more like he was living a parallel life, alongside me.
Originally Posted by JujuB
Like we were going to a expensive restaurant that was far away and he was hungry, so we actually stopped so he could grab a slice of pizza before we went to the restaurant. Or back when you rented movies... if the movies he wanted to watch were not available because someone else had rented it, he would actually buy the movie for 20 bucks instead of just waiting a week to watch it. I remember way back then, how i thought what a waste of money.
Was your ex like this?
Kind of. More like, if he wanted to go out, he would. And it would be a big night out, until 5.00/6.00/7.00 in the morning, irrespective of whether he had to get up to go to work the next morning.
I didn't ever feel like there was a sort of 'I'd really like to go out tonight, but I'm going to work tomorrow morning to work on a big project, so I'll maybe wait until the weekend, and then go out', sort of dialogue going on in his head. Or even something like 'I'd really like to go out tonight, but I'm going to work tomorrow morning to work on a big project, so I'll maybe go out but make sure I'm home by 11.00pm'. It was very much what he wanted to do there and then, and in that moment, and tomorrow was going to happen at some point in the future, but he wouldn't worry about that in the moment.
I guess that made me feel like I couldn't make big plans for the future together? We didn't really ever talk about 'the future'. Like how do you picture our life together, where would you like to live, how can we achieve this together....those sorts of questions. There wasn't anything of that, ever.
Actually, thinking about it, I've had more conversations about the future and what we would like it to look like with the wonderful man I'm with in the now almost two years that we've been together, than I ever did in the whole 18 years of having been with my XH. And we haven't even talked about it that much. Maybe because we're older, we live further apart (2 hours drive in his car, or two train journeys for me) so things take a little more organising, he's had conversations like that in the past as he was M and has 2 grown up children. It all feels much more considered, gentle and stable.
Was that immaturity on XH's part? A little on my part, certainly, because I didn't initiate any of those conversations. And on XH's part? Thinking about it, he just seemed to 'go along with things' quite a bit at times. Especially when the EAs/PAs started. There was a woman that was totally **obsessed** with him. She was verging on stalker territory. It maybe started in April/May 2009 and went on for almost a year. I got what she was about straight away, even before I met her (I'm one of those people that are super sensitive to other people's vibes), and I explained how I felt to him about her and the situation. I even pointed out some very specific things she'd said and done that I didn't feel were right, so it wasn't just touchy feely stuff I was talking to him about. Anyway, it was his reaction that upset me more than anything: he did nothing. Ignored me, and did nothing, so it all started to snowball. Over the course of the next year she became more obsessed, and I gradually became more upset. It got to the point where it made me ill and he had to come and collect me from work. And it was my boss (who was very experienced in dealing with stalkers and that sort of behaviour, because of the line of work we were both in) that managed to finally get through to him and make him understand what was happening and how dangerous the situation could be. That's when he finally took some action. It was all stuff I had said over and over during the course of the year. I guess that's when the serious stonewalling started? And maybe that was the first EA he had as well?
2009...if that was the first EA, then I put up with that behaviour for 6 years. And it became increasingly disrespectful on his part, with more serious EAs and PAs, with more serious consequences.
2009 was also the year before my 40th birthday. And it was maybe a year after my gran had died as well? I know I was going through a grief thing at that point and sorting some major family stuff out as part of it. What crappy behaviour on his part. At the point where I needed him to just be there and be alongside me while I was going through this, he started behaving like that...like a spoilt child who wasn't getting enough attention.
Thinking all of that, I feel disillusioned with the choices he made, how he behaved and the person that he showed himself to be. And I also feel that I deserve so much better than any of that.
Anyway, I don't know if any of that rings any bells with you or not. I wasn't sure what I was going to say when I started answering, but I seem to have said quite a lot.
